Confused now. I went to see the new therapist, he's also psychiatrist, many years of experience, doing couples therapy/workshops together with his wife - who is also therapist, successful in saving marriages etc.... Went alone. H never responded to my offer to join, most likely because, as he let me know on Monday morning, he was away for work Mon & Tue. Or he simply doesn't care.
I spent almost 2 hours there. He told me he doesn't believe in MLC! Similarly to the previous therapist. He strongly recommended me to run. He said that some marriages are not savable & that my H is very insecure man, unable to truly love, has a motor in him that forces him to selfdustruct & he destroys everyone around him. He said I have responsibility for myself and my life & I should end the marriage while I'm still young.
He said I seem to be a strong woman who doesn't need his help, it's my husband who does but he wouldn't like to work with him as based on what I said about what he did during the joint session with previous therapist H doesn't seem to be fully committed to working on himself to get better.
Well, I'm not sure I can do that - to "run"... Still care too much for him, for our family. Though I'm much better than I was right after he left I still have difficult days, like last Saturday when I could not stop crying during the night. We had really nice afternoon/evening with kids, just the 3 of us. When I went to bed I got so sad that H was not part of it. I still feel like sharing those happy moments with him.
So, not ready to give up but not sure what to do either. I haven't seen H since last joint therapy. We sms-ed a few times. It seems that he still plans to go for the long trip with us. I didn't ask but he bought last remaining tickets we needed for the 4 of us. It's terrible we cannot even discuss his plans, nothing. I guess I continue keeping distance till the trip and will think what to do when back.
Btw, Job, I did consider forwarding the e-mail of the previous therapist to his board but didn't do it yet. Maybe I should...
This is the first time I'm posting on your thread, so I apologise if I'm not 100% up to speed with your situatation.
I think different therapists (or scientists, researchers, doctors etc) tend to have different theories, and you just need to find one that you morally and intellectually agree with. Before discovering Michelle's work and this forum all the advice I came across was that H would have to do all the work, that he would have to beg, that it is his fault that was (he might have been) unfaithful, that I should snoop around etc etc etc. I didn't agree with it, and it made me feel like I was being a pushover. However, since broadening my reading I found out that there are different schools of thought, and you just subscribe to the one that you agree the most with. I'm with DB, I believe that he is going through a MLC, and that there is a case of ILYB (I love you but I'm not in love with you) syndrome. We have other issues too, but I don't think now is the right time to deal with everything that ever went wrong for either one of us. We would have to hire a resident shrink to resolve all of that.
Take care of yourself, I trust that you will find your way out of this, you sound like a strong person!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Bee - Most therapists have absolutely no understanding nor belief in MLC. Before it happened to my h, I didn't buy it either. I just assumed it was an excuse to behave badly. Until you see it, it's hard to believe.
However, it is a known fact that people can bury traumatic events for years- to the point that they truly forget them during that time. It is well documented in children who have suffered sexual abuse. So, how can people who suffer other tramatic childhoods not do the same? The mind is an extremely powerful and ultimately, poorly understood thing.
Also, there are many, many cases of people in MLC who follow the exact same script. How is that possible when they all have completely different childhoods and traumas? Personally, I believe scientists need to start to explore MLC the way they have personality disorders. And I think there is much more research that needs to go into depression. There was a time psychologists probably didn't believe in many, many disorders that now are run of the mill.
Speaking of following scripts, you posted on my thread that your h told you it was your job to be sexy for him? Well, my h said the EXACT same thing. In the letter he wrote to me he told me he was owed these things and it was up to me to be sexy all the time, in public and private! At the point, I tried to picture myself showing up at funerals dressed like a hooker. Ha ha.
Oh, and he wrote that if I wasn't up to the task to let him know immediately so he could find all the women he knew were willing to do these things for him! So, when I told him that, not only would I not be doing any of those things, he was not allowed to discuss my body with me in this fashion ever again, he moved back downstairs. And I told him he needed to get himself some serious help, too.
By the way, the recurring mantra my h had everytime that he discussed finding other women, was that he wanted to find women who looked at him "meaningfully." He was zombie-like and so foggy. But, wow, did he sound so very pathetic and desperate. It was scary. I am pretty sure this whole aspect circled back to his mother who grossly neglected him. And that part, is a very, very sad.
Well, anyway, despite his nasty threats, he didn't leave. And I don't have 50 women ramming down my front door to stare at him meaningfully. So watch the actions and mute the words.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you Esame & HaWho. I also believe in MLC now that I'm experiencing it. I also believe that it should be studied more. It's so unfortunate how much destruction MLCers can do and there is nothing that can help.
But I must admit that since my visit to the new psy I can't help but wonder if all this pain is worth it. HaWho, I read your post & the exact same things are going through my mind. Will I ever be able to look at him again with respect after all that was said & done? I know that things will never be the same again but can I truly forgive him? Can we have again an equal relationship or will I expect that he gives more? Will I ever trust him again & especially do I want to go through all the hard work the reconciliation requires if the result is uncertain. These are the questions I'm asking myself & my answers are different every day. I still hope we'll find a way to be back together but...
With our big trip approaching I'm starting to get a bit nervous about it. It's exactly one month from today. i haven't seen h for more than one month. We e-mail or SMS but not on daily basis. The exchanges are longer than before but still rather limited. I don't initiate them unless it's something practical that has to be said. I really don't know how I'll manage 3.5 weeks together!
Sometimes I think he is waiting to be back from this trip to bring up the divorce again. But I won't let that thought destroy our holidays. Kids are so much looking forward to this trip, I want them to enjoy it in full, without any tension (fingers crossed!).
My MIL calls me often as she has no news from him. It's strange because he usually called her once a week even when they had some disputes. But he sent sms to kids to wish them good luck for exams (no sms to kids since he moved out except very few practical ones with S15 so it's a progress). He also thanked me for Father's Day lunch - yes, I prepared very nice celebration for him & bought some presents for kids to give him, something he really loves, even though he ignored Mother's Day this year. I told him that time that he should expect the same for Father's Day but I just couldn't do it. I cannot ignore such day no matter how horrible he is to me. I prepared everything & left. As I was leaving I looked back at the table nicely set & felt so much pain that I cannot be there to share those moments with them. He sms-ed me later in the evening to thank me. Kids reported he seemed pleased, happy with choice of presents but that he also seemed a bit weird. If he thought he didn't deserve it than he was right about that.
So on & off. Days when I'm so happy, enjoying great days with kids & peace & harmony that our house is again since h left. Cleaning the house, including our garage which was in need for a big clean up for some time now. And then days when I just sit on the sofa, watch & re-watch The Good wife series or listen to Pink's I don't believe you song. Must be the weather :-)!
Bee, so sorry that you are here, my husband had his crisis for almost 2 years, he moved out last May. He became cold and distant gradually before he bombed me. I went to two therapists and my husband went to one, we even had couple session, none of them worked and both therapists do not believe in Midlife crisis (feel like I'm just had my time and money wasted with them)
I randomly came here and read the articles, found it very helpful; started to post and learn. I'm trying to get a life and pull myself all together right now. Husband said too many mean things to me, I lose my confident and self image was so broken... later I learned they are using blaming, projection to avoid facing their childhood issue.
Thank you Babe, it really is excellent place here. Though I don't post much as I am not very good at putting my feelings in writing, reading other stories is helping me a lot. All so similar. And so many wonderful people posting here! I did not find your story though, there is no link to your previous thread in the one that shows in the list. Are the crisis of your h over now?
Since Job said that if crisis are interrupted before really finished the second time it's much worse, I often wonder whether it will last much longer than if we did not try to work on our marriage 2 years ago. I must say I'm losing hope. It may be that there is too much going on in my life right now and it brings me down. One of my best friends is moving to another country, my boss who was the best boss I ever had left the organisation last month, two weeks ago I caught my cleaning lady stealing my stuff so had to let her go after many years she was with me... I feel like I'm losing everyone this year.
Luckily I'm very busy at work and now that the school is over for my kids I'm trying to come home early so we can spend some quality time together. So, not much time to feel sorry for myself.
But I also have things to be happy about: both kids had great results at school. There was never a problem with them but this year I was a bit worried that the situation with their father and his rather limited involvement in their lives will have negative impact on their results but it seems not to be the case. I'm really happy about that! They are now very excited about our upcoming trip. I do hope it will work out well. Especially if it's the last trip of the 4 of us together. Secretly hoping not. But as I said, losing hope.
I'm sorry that you feel that you are losing hope. Try to look at what's been going on in your life a bit differently. For example, one of your best friends is moving to another country...you will now have someone you can go visit and vice versa. The time spent together when you visit will mean so much more. Your boss has left the organization...you don't know what the future holds, but he could consider you for another position under his direction at some point. Try to stay in contact w/him if you can. As for your cleaning lady, it might have been time to boot her out of your house any way. Everything from the above spells "fresh start/new beginnings".
I'm glad the kids had great results at school this year. I'm sure you'll be spending quite a bit of time w/them over the summer. As for the summer vacation, treat it as an adventure w/little to no expectations. Okay?
BTW, Babe originally posted over on Newcomer's. You may want to do a search of her poster name and read up on what she's posted. She's not posted much.
MLC takes a very long time. It's not for the faint of heart, i.e., it's a marathon, not a sprint. Dig deeper for patience and continue to move forward w/your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job, you're right. I'm trying to look at things from the positive side but sometimes I fail. My former boss already offered me a position in his new org but he could not offer me the same conditions I have now & with the divorce hanging over my head I need to think twice. I know that money is not so important & I would not hesitate one second if my private situation was different but... He told me he will try in a couple of years again. Even if he won't it's still nice to know that I was appreciated. But I cannot really complain, I'm happy where I am it's just different now that he's gone.
Will try my best regarding the summer vacation! Will let you know how it went. I find it ironic that the longest vacation we ever took we take while separated.
Yes, patience. Not my strongest part but working on it!
Bee - I think no one here believes she/he can survive this at the beginning. I know I certainly felt that way. But, we start with small steps and trust me, soon, those steps will turn into strides and somehow our shoulders will straighten and we better ourselves all the while forming this interior steel.
Regarding your old boss, although the conditions aren't such that you want to jump jobs, it is a huge positive that you are so highly sought. Savor that; that's all you!
Keep going!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Difficult night last night. Sad, angry, sorry for h, etc. He came yesterday to take kids to his parents. After several months of not seeing them & after several weeks of my MIL begging him to finally bring them so they can see each other before holidays (kids leaving next week to be with my parents before our holidays together). Usually we went Fri evening and came back Sun night when visiting my in-laws, now he came to get them Sat afternoon, drove 3 hours and back today after lunch. So 6 hours driving to spend less than 24 ours with his parents.
When he came we just exchanged a few practical things about upcoming holidays. This was after several weeks of not seeing each other. As I came closer to him to hand him passports of the kids he started receding. Looking at me like a scared animal. What an awful feeling! Is my h afraid of me? He told me once that every time he looks at me he is reminded of what I did to him and he feels like running away from me. It seems it's still there. That'll be fun spending almost one month holidays together.
But I also felt so sad. He looks so old. With his beard & moustache. He always found it dirty not to shave & now... Plus it's all white. He pays a lot of money for dying his hair and then keeps this white thing on his face. I do not recognise this person. It's soooo sad. He was walking like if his back was broken. Anyway,...
When they left I felt so bad. So this is how it will be from now on? Just the 3 of them or just the 3 of us going away. My younger son was quite disturbed by it. It seemed he didn't want to go but didn't want to leave his brother alone. I hate my h for doing this to them! To us!
My sister came to visit so I kept it cool until she went to bed and then I cried & cried. Feeling better today but upset with myself that seeing h for just a few minutes destabilises me this much.
Will see this afternoon how it goes. It's better not seeing him, when we e-mail or sms there is at least an illusion of normalcy.
