Working on me and letting it play out

[cbtdad]

W and I had a MC session this morning. No big grand changes or anything. We are both living in the now for the moment. Still separate bedrooms. Still no wedding rings. So basically still not working on our marriage, but working on ourselves.
I did a lot of the talking since it had been a couple weeks since we had been there. And in those last two weeks I have learned so much about verbal and emotional abuse. I have learned things that I didn't even realize I was doing. I was controlling, critical, judging, and much more. I would define my W all the time. I thought she should know how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. That I do know what she is feeling and thinking. I had built up this woman in my head that was an extension of me.
It's like I was blind and now I can see. I have been so happy the last couple weeks. I feel more free. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Like I now realize for once what the problem was and why I was doing the things I was doing. Also realizing the things that I didn't know I was doing, but why I was doing them
So I have I talked a lot and got out things I have been working on the MC asked W what she thought. I will do my best to sum up a lot of her responses today.
She said she sees that, but that she has too much on her plate to worry about that right now. That between school, her moms cancer and other issues that her plate is full.
She said she is just living day to day and that she wakes up and does it all over again. She went on to say that this is why she has said 6 weeks ago that she didn't have any fight left right now.
So I turned to her asked her if she is concerned that if she agreed "we were working on things" that I would overwhelm her.
She said, "yeah basically"
What I think she means is that I can be exhausting. That I will just keep going and going like I did Saturday night. She is right and that is something I'm working on.
She said she gets anxiety over if she is doing something wrong.
Like Tuesday morning I text her and told her that our neighbor was out bowling at the same place she was. She brought that up and said, "As soon as I got that text I knew you were thinking I wasn't really bowling because neighbor didn't see me. I started freaking out thinking crap I gave friend cash who paid for the games and I don't have proof to show him I was there"
I told her she was right. That crossed my mind. But I didn't bring that up to her and let her know that I was thinking about that. I told her that that is one of the things I am learning. I can't control what I think, but I can control how I respond.
She understood that and nodded.
I then asked her if when she use to come home she would start getting anxiety right she pulled in, etc.
She said absolutely and that things would be great at the house, but then she felt like she had to walk on eggshells or that we would start fighting.
This was just a small summary of the session.
Overall it went well. There is no question that I am just in a holding pattern working on me. That's a;; I can do until she thinks that the changes I am making can last and are real.
I will continue my goals each and every day, and have consequences when I mess up