Good question from darknes..really ponder that. Along the way I have stumbled, been angry and felt defeated. Its a tough concept that we only control ourselves.
My MR fell into a routine as well and tough when you dont see that in the moment. My H has moments of caring but lately is cold/distant. I would say let the apathy fuel you in positive way--know easier said then done.
I have struggled to stay busy and refraining from reacting to things. Those stumbles become goals to not repeat. I know you are down, I have been lately as well. Keep posting for support and wish you well.
Exactly. Think of it another way: your marriage is already over. You arent fighting to save it, you are fighting to one day restore it!
How about this one: What if I told you that your W was never going to want to reconcile with you? How would THAT change things? What would you do in that case?
Exactly. Think of it another way: your marriage is already over. You arent fighting to save it, you are fighting to one day restore it!
How about this one: What if I told you that your W was never going to want to reconcile with you? How would THAT change things? What would you do in that case?
One thing that I've learned throughout this, is that the LAST thing we want to do is 'save our marriage with our current WAS'. This will only lead to the same pattern repeating themselves down the road. And if you do happen to reconcile, you don't want to end up on this site for the same reasons 2 years from now, do you?
The best way to look at it. Is what others continue to say. Do what you need to do to make YOU the best person possible. And if you're WAS does the same, then, and only then, should you consider your option of... not to stay married to WAS, but instead, to end your current marriage, and get remarried to the same person you married before, but with different goals, views, values on life.
Out of interest is there ever any benefit to reaching out to your spouse to see if they would agree to spend time with you?
I'm thinking of trying to arrange a meet up in a couple of weeks to just be in each others company, no relationship talk, no funny business but just to see if that spark is still there.
Now listen, you are not moving forward in learning new methods and avenues to deal with this. This is the end of your third thread and you still are saying your situation is different. You aren't doing anything b/c you don't believe she fits any of the descriptions you read.
You want to fall back on the old way of just meeting and talking.........hoping for a spark. IT DOES NOT WORK!! If it did work, there would be zero posts on this board. Do you get that? It would be the first thing we would tell you to do.
I want your undivided attention for a moment. You are so hung up about not reading another story like yours and thinking your W does not fit the WW/WAW/MCL and you are searching for the unique fix for your unique W and unique M problems. There is nothing unique or different about any of it. Your W is wayward. There! Now you have a label, a category. I know the first thing that will pop into your head.... "But, she's not in an affair". She doesn't have to be in an affair to be classified as wayward. Waywardness is born and developed in the heart.
You say you are a 100% certain there is no OM. Well, time for you to wake up and grow about and learn something about women. Did you know there is such a thing as an imaginary affair that effects the mind and feelings as much as if it were real? Did you know that women can feed their emotional fantasies on romance novels, movies, etc., and emotionally exist in a pretend world that resides in her head? It messes with their heads b/c they compare their H with the hero of the storyline, and of course, the H comes up lacking......a lot. Her unmet expectations and lack of desire and respect for her H is affected in devastating degrees. Her frustration and dissatisfaction grows, and her emotional needs pushes her to go find that hero out there. And the H has no earthy idea what is happening. Furthermore, she would NEVER admit to any such thing, and would continue to blame it on you and say she no longer has feelings for you. Of course she doesn't, b/c it has all been distorted by her fantasies.
It is a very serious situation that many adults laugh away, and it is destroying MR's. I am talking about a level of unhealthy fantasizing. It can start very subtly, and then it becomes an escape from an unhappy life, and the person may not fully realize how it is affecting her real relationship.
I was so disappointed in my H and our MR, I would fantasize about some celebrity (embarrassing to admit). Other people may fantisize about their co-worker or ex, but I went for the stars. Then, I got hooked on the romance books. They were filling some type of need I had that I felt my H was ignoring. In the meantime, I found him failing to meet my expectations more & more.
My first post to you, I told you I went through something very similar to your W. Now let me add this...........even if there is no particular other person in the picture, at the moment (and that's a big "if"), you can bet she is making herself available. She has no feelings for you, right now. She has absolutely no desire to save the MR. She is telling friends she wants you to move on. She is very young with two little kids. She is wanting to move away. Her only excuse is that she is not happy being M to you. She is a WW.
It is going to take a heck of a lot more than eight weeks for her to miss you. Right now, she's thinking, "What's to miss, there is something out there better". Don't be the fool who sits around showing her your love-sick puppy eyes, hoping she'll feel bad for hurting you. It doesn't work. Trying to show her more love and what a better H you could be, doesn't work with a WW. You have been told what to do.........but you continue to make excuses. She's different, the situation doesn't fit others, etc., etc. No......it's you. You don't want to believe the girl you love could be a bad as the other W's you read about here. And, maybe she's not. There are degrees of waywardness. However, she is wayward. So, what will you do?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Listen to Sandi!!! My W, as far as know isn't involved in an A. But there is no way for me to know that. There is no way that I can be 100 percent sure. So I have had to stop snooping and stop worrying. It isn't doing me any good. What did start doing me good was figuring out what my part was, what I did. I figured out a couple weeks ago that I am a verbally/emotionally abusive man. That defined my W and that I connected myself to her. My W keeps saying she doesn't know what she wants right now. Well guess what. She reads the novels Sandi is talking about. She has many male friends in her work field. There are many possibilities that she can run off with one of them. And you know what, I am worried about that right now, because I have left her emotions wide open and vulnerable. But I can't control that. I can control me and becoming a man only a fool would want to leave. That's what I'm doing. I will be ok either way You must read Sandis post over and over until sinks in
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Kyle, I don't normally copy and paste my own post, but after I wrote to you, I posted to another man who didn't know if his W was wayward or a WAW. When I finished, I thought, "Why didn't I say this to Kyle"! So here it is, and I hope it will help:
Based on your W's attitude of disrespect, anger, etc., I suspect she has become wayward toward you and the MR. I believe the WW has a ton of resentment in her heart, and the feeling of disrespect begins to overflow into her actions. She blames her H for her lack of feelings for him. When she decides to leave the M, it is an act of rebellion. She is looking for greener pastures.
With the WAW, I believe there is more of a legitimate reason for her leaving. Maybe her H was abusive, refused to provide for his family, was into illegal practices, was an alcoholic or drug user, imprisoned, complete neglect, numberous adulerous affairs, etc. Her leaving is seen more as a means of survival......or else has lost all hope. Whereas, with a wayward wife, her leaving is an act of rebellion, and everything is based on her feelings. She may say she has given up on the H or M, but really, she's just done.
Usually, a WAW would not have a problem in being willing to work at saving the M, if the H will do what he is suppose to do and/or correct the things that drove her away. Whereas, the wayward wife is not willing to even try. The WAW may not want to end the M, but just doesn't know what else to do. The WW is intent on the H knowing it's over (regardless of her leaving or not) and her own selfishness is her motivation behind her actions.
I would think that it shouldn't be a complete shock to a sorry-a$$ed man to see his WAW slipping through his fingers. I have seen that whenever a WW drops the bomb on her H, he is usually shocked beyond words. No matter what he says or promises to do, the WW is not willing. Another significant distinction is that a WW almost always has an agenda to live the single's "lifestyle". Either by acting like Girls Gone Wild, jumping from one man to the other, or she already has eyes on a particular man. All of these type of behaviors are not the normal characteristic of the girl you married. It is as though she has totally turned into someone you no longer know. She may have been devoted to her spiritual beliefs. She might would have been eligible for the mother of the year award. None of that matters now. The WW will put their selfish wants before their own children. Keep your eyes open and see if these things start to surface.
Those are my opinion about the two. MWD does not separate them and lumps them together under WAW'S. After many years of studying this subject, and observing the board and others in life........I most definitely believe there are two types. I also believe the more wayward the W, the tougher the love the H needs to apply.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm not going to lie but your first post knocked me for 6, I read it and felt like I had been ambushed. I thought I would give myself some time to digest it before coming back with a response.
I can see now that my W is showing WW characteristics and it does fit the bill on many levels. I know I need to focus on me and turn myself into Kyle 2.0 but what am I doing with my W? Do I now pull back and almost act indifferent when I'm in her company (picking up and dropping off the kids), do I stop doing anything which may facilitate her WW lifestyle?
I'm not going to lie but your first post knocked me for 6, I read it and felt like I had been ambushed. I thought I would give myself some time to digest it before coming back with a response.
I can see now that my W is showing WW characteristics and it does fit the bill on many levels. I know I need to focus on me and turn myself into Kyle 2.0 but what am I doing with my W? Do I now pull back and almost act indifferent when I'm in her company (picking up and dropping off the kids), do I stop doing anything which may facilitate her WW lifestyle?
I'm not going to lie but your first post knocked me for 6, I read it and felt like I had been ambushed. I thought I would give myself some time to digest it before coming back with a response.
I can see now that my W is showing WW characteristics and it does fit the bill on many levels. I know I need to focus on me and turn myself into Kyle 2.0 but what am I doing with my W? Do I now pull back and almost act indifferent when I'm in her company (picking up and dropping off the kids), do I stop doing anything which may facilitate her WW lifestyle?
