I feel now that my W hasn't truely loved me for a long time. To many times I heard how she wanted to love me better but never sought help or researched how. It was always me to change who I needed to be to accommodate her. Maybe she just isn't capable of it, who knows. The problem for me is I kept trying to change, so much so that I completely lost myself, my direction, my own self worth. Maybe I'm wrong and someone can talk to me but I just don't feel any hope at all.
I'm ok with this ending, I'll be alright and I'll continue to make myself better but for years she has not looked at herself, why would that change now. She even messaged my Dad at Chrismas saying she couldn't understand why she couldn't love someone as much as I loved her. She asked me at the end of October, knowing what we had been through would I do it again, we both said yes. 6 weeks later she was done, done, done!
She chose her new friends over her family, this 'friend' over me.
I know all my mistakes, my head has never been so clear in terms of what I want to become and what I will learn from this. She told me she would be heart broken if we ever split up, all I see is a cold dead heart. She said at the beginning of this how no one was listening to her pain, her hurt. I was my own broken and couldn't help her then, couldn't hear her cries.
She said she broke but says she doesn't need to be fixed, there is nowhere to go with that mindset.
I know this has only been 6 months since BD, 3 months of separation and maybe I'm just feeling a little deflated. I feel good about myself and my direction, I still have work to do. I know I have no idea what is truely in her head and may never, I know I will not be the one to get through to her. I can only control myself and make myself stronger and better, will try to remain patient to see what time brings.
