Qt4, I don't want to get divorced either. But I've already mentally accepted its happened. I'm looking at it as, today, I have no wife, and the wife I used to love is already gone (she really is, considering her actions are not one of who I thought I was marrying).
As others on here have said... The "shell" of my W is there, but the woman inside the shell is not the woman I love.
I responded to her text of staying at the house, 'by herself', with a simple, "you're welcome to stay here any time youd like." period. As we're not divorced yet, and legally she lives here, it makes sense. I never kicked her out, she chose to leave. Relationalship-wise though, she is no more than a friendly stranger (we'll, I'm friendly, she's not), so... Would I ever allow a friend to remove me from my house so they could stay in it alone?... NO.
I don't want you to think I'm fibbing, or "in denial", because that's not the intention. But as others regularly say on here, you can only control what you can control, which is you and your actions. You can't control your WW. I still have my "hard times" where I break down, have the thoughts of "I'll do anything to save my M", but those are emotional breakdowns, and can't be looked at as anything other than a form of grief.
My wife's corpse is a big believer in buddhism stuff... one of the main quotes she ever told me was "you think, you become". it's about as simple as it can be. what you think about, what you put your energy to, is what you will reach. (I'm sure you've also heard, if you aim at nothing, that's what you'll hit)... it's true, and you can't aim to "save my marriage", because in truth, it doesn't even exist anymore.
Our WW's have filed, I've been sued for the dissolution of my marriage, meaning, my WW has chosen to leave the marriage. Whether it's a "threat" to make me change or "the real deal" and she's already checked out, it shall be treated the same and I can't do anything about that part of my life right now. If I spent all my time trying to figure out how to save my marriage, I wouldn't have any more time or energy left to figure out who I want to become when this is all said and done with... Would I like to be married to my current W in the future? sure, but that cannot be my goals throughout this process, because it involved a decision made by someone else (my wife's corpse). Focus energy on things you can control... yourself, your actions, health, sleep, activities, goals, etc. and regardless what happens, you'll be a better person because of it.
