Now 3 hours later BTW... Still never responded. I told myself I'd only answer sensible questions from her... I think I know what trumpet would say if she were responding... 96% sure she won't show up late like last time anymore (tonight anyway) I'll deal with it tomorrow after rethinking.
If you choose to respond you could stick with your standard stance re "she can stay but you're not leaving".
If on a whim you choose to stay out late or not come home on any given night, it's no longer your burden to notify WW. If you notify her, you are kinda "giving her the day off" from experiencing the consequences of her actions.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
What state are you in? Have you responded to your divorce petition yet, started looking for lawyers or done any other D preparation.
I feel like I don't want a D, am not prepared for it, and now have to start dealing with it when I just want my wife back. Meanwhile she seems like she is already two steps ahead of me.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I'm prepared. I have not responded to petition. I meet with L on Wed to go over things. Her petition didn't have a proposal yet of "what she wants" but we are mostly debts, no assets except the house, so I don't expect much from proposal. Half the equity of house maybe, which has been in my name since pre marriage.
Qt4, I don't want to get divorced either. But I've already mentally accepted its happened. I'm looking at it as, today, I have no wife, and the wife I used to love is already gone (she really is, considering her actions are not one of who I thought I was marrying).
As others on here have said... The "shell" of my W is there, but the woman inside the shell is not the woman I love. It's someone else. Or like some kind of diseased parasite living inside... So yes. As much as I love her, as much as I don't want to lose her, I'm ready, if it does happen.
I responded to her text of staying at the house, 'by herself', with a simple, "you're welcome to stay here any time youd like." period. As we're not divorced yet, and legally she lives here, it makes sense. I never kicked her out, she chose to leave. Relationalship-wise though, she is no more than a friendly stranger (we'll, I'm friendly, she's not), so... Would I ever allow a friend to remove me from my house so they could stay in it alone?... NO.
I'm prepared. I have not responded to petition. I meet with L on Wed to go over things. Her petition didn't have a proposal yet of "what she wants" but we are mostly debts, no assets except the house, so I don't expect much from proposal. Half the equity of house maybe, which has been in my name since pre marriage.
Qt4, I don't want to get divorced either. But I've already mentally accepted its happened. I'm looking at it as, today, I have no wife, and the wife I used to love is already gone (she really is, considering her actions are not one of who I thought I was marrying).
As others on here have said... The "shell" of my W is there, but the woman inside the shell is not the woman I love. It's someone else. Or like some kind of diseased parasite living inside... So yes. As much as I love her, as much as I don't want to lose her, I'm ready, if it does happen.
I responded to her text of staying at the house, 'by herself', with a simple, "you're welcome to stay here any time youd like." period. As we're not divorced yet, and legally she lives here, it makes sense. I never kicked her out, she chose to leave. Relationalship-wise though, she is no more than a friendly stranger (we'll, I'm friendly, she's not), so... Would I ever allow a friend to remove me from my house so they could stay in it alone?... NO.
Qt4, I don't want to get divorced either. But I've already mentally accepted its happened. I'm looking at it as, today, I have no wife, and the wife I used to love is already gone (she really is, considering her actions are not one of who I thought I was marrying).
As others on here have said... The "shell" of my W is there, but the woman inside the shell is not the woman I love. It's someone else. Or like some kind of diseased parasite living inside... So yes. As much as I love her, as much as I don't want to lose her, I'm ready, if it does happen.
Yeah, I guess I've been in denial. All of my thinking up til this point has been - how can I turn her around? I mean she was talking about going to MC just a week and a half ago. Now ... bam. I get served. It's all of a sudden very real to me and I realize I've been living in la la land. All this time I've been thinking of how to get my wife back she's been plotting out her strategy with her Lawyers!
On top of that I'm dealing with my new visitation schedule with the kids - and it's ripping my heart out. On top of that I still have a highly stressful job I have to deal with. This is just so horrible.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Qt4, I don't want to get divorced either. But I've already mentally accepted its happened. I'm looking at it as, today, I have no wife, and the wife I used to love is already gone (she really is, considering her actions are not one of who I thought I was marrying).
As others on here have said... The "shell" of my W is there, but the woman inside the shell is not the woman I love.
I responded to her text of staying at the house, 'by herself', with a simple, "you're welcome to stay here any time youd like." period. As we're not divorced yet, and legally she lives here, it makes sense. I never kicked her out, she chose to leave. Relationalship-wise though, she is no more than a friendly stranger (we'll, I'm friendly, she's not), so... Would I ever allow a friend to remove me from my house so they could stay in it alone?... NO.
I don't want you to think I'm fibbing, or "in denial", because that's not the intention. But as others regularly say on here, you can only control what you can control, which is you and your actions. You can't control your WW. I still have my "hard times" where I break down, have the thoughts of "I'll do anything to save my M", but those are emotional breakdowns, and can't be looked at as anything other than a form of grief.
My wife's corpse is a big believer in buddhism stuff... one of the main quotes she ever told me was "you think, you become". it's about as simple as it can be. what you think about, what you put your energy to, is what you will reach. (I'm sure you've also heard, if you aim at nothing, that's what you'll hit)... it's true, and you can't aim to "save my marriage", because in truth, it doesn't even exist anymore.
Our WW's have filed, I've been sued for the dissolution of my marriage, meaning, my WW has chosen to leave the marriage. Whether it's a "threat" to make me change or "the real deal" and she's already checked out, it shall be treated the same and I can't do anything about that part of my life right now. If I spent all my time trying to figure out how to save my marriage, I wouldn't have any more time or energy left to figure out who I want to become when this is all said and done with... Would I like to be married to my current W in the future? sure, but that cannot be my goals throughout this process, because it involved a decision made by someone else (my wife's corpse). Focus energy on things you can control... yourself, your actions, health, sleep, activities, goals, etc. and regardless what happens, you'll be a better person because of it.
Yeah, I guess I've been in denial. All of my thinking up til this point has been - how can I turn her around? I mean she was talking about going to MC just a week and a half ago. Now ... bam. I get served. It's all of a sudden very real to me and I realize I've been living in la la land. All this time I've been thinking of how to get my wife back she's been plotting out her strategy with her Lawyers!
We all do this at the beginning, I found this site by searching the internet for "how to save my marriage" "my wife is leaving me", etc etc... probably the same way most others found it. The good things is, the people here understand that what we should be doing, is usually the exact opposite of what we are doing, and what we are doing, is failing us miserably (thats how we ended up here, right?)
It's a process. You can't stop your brain from creating feelings, ideas, emotions, etc. you can however, choose how long you want to entertain those ideas created, and how you want to act upon them.
You're new here, read the material if you haven't already. Seriosly, everything Cadet posted, All of Sandi's posts (just read every last one of them!) haha. and then see how they relate to your sitch. ask questions about things specifically then. Hang in there. you'll be fine.
I don't want you to think I'm fibbing, or "in denial", because that's not the intention. But as others regularly say on here, you can only control what you can control, which is you and your actions. You can't control your WW. I still have my "hard times" where I break down, have the thoughts of "I'll do anything to save my M", but those are emotional breakdowns, and can't be looked at as anything other than a form of grief.
My wife's corpse is a big believer in buddhism stuff... one of the main quotes she ever told me was "you think, you become". it's about as simple as it can be. what you think about, what you put your energy to, is what you will reach. (I'm sure you've also heard, if you aim at nothing, that's what you'll hit)... it's true, and you can't aim to "save my marriage", because in truth, it doesn't even exist anymore.
Our WW's have filed, I've been sued for the dissolution of my marriage, meaning, my WW has chosen to leave the marriage. Whether it's a "threat" to make me change or "the real deal" and she's already checked out, it shall be treated the same and I can't do anything about that part of my life right now. If I spent all my time trying to figure out how to save my marriage, I wouldn't have any more time or energy left to figure out who I want to become when this is all said and done with... Would I like to be married to my current W in the future? sure, but that cannot be my goals throughout this process, because it involved a decision made by someone else (my wife's corpse). Focus energy on things you can control... yourself, your actions, health, sleep, activities, goals, etc. and regardless what happens, you'll be a better person because of it.
betterm,
You have matured as a DBer so quickly that it's simply amazing! I'm going to print your post above and have copies at home, in the car and at the office.
My wife's corpse is a big believer in buddhism stuff... one of the main quotes she ever told me was "you think, you become". it's about as simple as it can be. what you think about, what you put your energy to, is what you will reach. (I'm sure you've also heard, if you aim at nothing, that's what you'll hit)... it's true, and you can't aim to "save my marriage", because in truth, it doesn't even exist anymore.
Your W's sayings really resonates with me. From what I have been told by DB coaches is that a WAS wants a vibrant life and this makes sense to me now. They will go after a target to ensure they are happy. The LBS is the one who thought things were "happy" in the current state of their M.
The sad part is that most WAS's won't see the changes in the LBS's.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
