My little slice of Life..

[Tofbrks]

Here is my story and it sounds very similar to most on here.
M- 15yrs
D8 D13
H45 W 43
On Mother's Day weekend I had the BD on me , softly at first.
It starts with the "are you happy" talk.. when I said it's ok but could be better, she unloaded on me spouting off that she hast been for a long time... Blah blah blah...
The words sounded like a mlc playbook.. The lybnilwy phrase... Done with m and didn't know if she could ever get back that "feeling"... So what do I do but turn into a blubbering idiot about how sorry I am and listing off some of the things she hurt me with- limited contact and physical touch.
This pursuit has been going on for a month now with me trying to figure out where I stand and what was going on. She had agreed to goto counseling , her choice, and sugested Christian based counseling .. Ok by me. We agreed on pastor at our church. It was a disaster.He told her no way out unless I hit her or cheated. Neither were going to happen so she felt trapped and did not participate ... Ended in 2 sessions. I also was using him to help guide me through this time ... She found out and was livid! Neededless to say he sugested we seek profession help.
I have been in a kind of limbo heck ever since. I did get letter- typed- telling me how she felt. More of the same ...done with marriage , how she is the bad guy, my faults , wants us to part and see if she misses me, kids will be ok. I am still searching for a reason or logic in her choice. Can't seem to find any. This same wording carries over to any talk of M and a R ... Which she says she doesn't think her "feelings" will change.
Much of the problem stems from money and lack of it. I provide all of our basic needs, I pay for our house, power, ect ect ect... She uses her $ for kids activities her expenses... Gas , clothes, kids clothes, her credit cards ect. We carry a high debt load cause we did live beyond our means... Not splurgy but a slow taper that built up. Along with that and increase burden from W taking job that paid less to make her happy... I work a lot of hrs.
So after a while I just stick my head down and power through it , thinking she is doing the same at home. Well I guess she did for a while and now can't. We did shut down emotionally towards the M. I offered little support and she retaliated with tapering off sex which was mediocre at best. Often complained of self image and not feeling sexy - which I never ever went anywhere near - loved her any shape or form she was in.
I have been working hard to make changes , ones she let out in our mc sessions.
Fast forward to now... After finding this site I have started to use some of the techniques.

I think I am dealing with a loss of respect, what woman wants to do it with a man they don't respect. The sex cut off/down lack of enthusiasm hurt. Like she didn't love me ... And this I see now had been there for a while. Either this loss came from my bending at home to to take burdens off her- help w/ kids chores ect or loss from our emotional detachment. Either way I used family events not real significant to get back... I just didn't go. I never put pressure on her to have sex but she did say she felt guilty for not doing more. I let her initiate to save the rejection on me... If your a go then I'm ready at anytime.
Somewhere along the line I lost my balls .. Don't know where they went but need them back ... Think that their absence may be the roof of the problem. Or perhaps a combo...not that closed minded
So now on to "now"... She has requested "space"... To see if we miss each other and to decide where we go from here. She has agreed to go to mc. We both went alone to start and have our first joint session next tue. Our space agreement has been tedious at best. We sleep in separate rooms and have since D8 was born. Co sleeper... I try to make myself scarce and be there for D8D13. We told them about our problems last Sunday and went ok.. A few q's but nothing bad... No crying
She has proposed that we leave kids as is and that W and I rotate house ... W goes to moms and I do the same.
Other than a few things... Me being paranoid about affairs , putting gps on car and checking phone bill... Confronting about lies on whereabouts and company kept...you guys know it all.

I want to save this marriage and have told her so ... She keeps asking why haven't you left yet or got mad yet. Told her I am here and always will be here... Now looking back not such a great statement to make. So that's where I am today, a wife that doesn't love me and wants to leave but no mention of a permanent divorce.
I did already see an lawyer and know where I stand ... Child support , spousal support , assets ect... pretty much how it all will play out. She has no clue of an exit plan I do know.

Here for guidance .....