Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo

[Phoebe]

Ok, so I was working on getting paperwork together for the appointment with the local L tomorrow and I was looking over our prepaid highway toll data.

More puzzle pieces just started fitting together, and I am just shaking my head. My purpose in looking at these records was to establish how much time H spent in my state vs. his work state because of the question of jurisdiction for the D proceedings. Instead, I got distracted by all the NYC bridge tolls on the bill, as early as January of last year. Let's just say that area has nothing to do with anything I was aware of so far. It's a totally new wrinkle. He stayed overnight somewhere there multiple times as well as overnights throughout the year in OW's town. That may not have been OW yet, but clearly overnights to go to dance raves and couch-surfing, at the very least. Maybe a lot more.

yuckiest of all was the travel path on the week he disappeared. That week he told me had to go back to work in the other state just one day after arriving home with me because a 'coworker had a sick kid.' Instead, he drove to NY city and then went to OW's city. The day he decided not to come home to me, he started out in OWs town, drove almost all the way back to me before he officially walked away. He was definitely already seeing OW at this point. So, the day before our 20th wedding anniversary, he woke up in OW's town, and maybe even her appartment. Super Yuck.

I'm just thinking about how much I blamed myself in those first 6 days he went missing! I was beating myself up, trying to figure out what I did, what did I say, what did I miss, how had I so hurt him??? In reality, he was already a cheater who'd been lying to me for over a year.

I've been grieving the loss of this man?

I'm not fixated on this, and I'm more disgusted than upset, but it's amazing to see it went back so far. I'm sure I would have seen a lot more oddness if I could access the records from 2014, but they're gone. No way to be sure when the affair began, but the deceit and the singles lifestyle (where he told his 'friends' he was already either D'ed or S'ed) started long ago.

Why didn't I ever look at these statements in the past? It was all there, like he just wanted to be found out. I. trusted him, never even thought to look, and he just got more brazen about all the lies until he walked. I'm feeling really naive and gullible, and also like I missed my only chance to disrupt the behavior before it became a full blown affair. Crappy.

This is exactly what the local Beyond Affairs Network coordinator said about the trickle-truth types of WSs. He said that over time I would start to see puzzle pieces shifting into place as I learned moreI information. I guess he was right.

All this because I wanted to show H was really living in my state last year. Instead, I never got past the data showing H was living a lie. On the other hand, the data shows he spent even less time in the work state where he is claiming residency than I thought, so maybe it's not all for naught. I'll still have to figure out that aspect of it all.

Beyond that, and how strangely NOT upset this has made me (I feel no tears whatsoever. is this detachment, or disbelief?), the day was mostly good. I went ice skating and I didn't even fall! Wahoo! I spent time with my parents and talked to an out of state friend at length.

I'm kind of dreading the L appointment tomorrow, and today I'm leaning toward just skipping the jurisdiction squabble and just going to his state and getting the best settlement I can. I just need more information to make an informed decision.

I am, however looking forward to seeing my therapist again tomorrow.

Time for bed. I'm not sure how tired I am, but we shall see.