Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

(((mustard seed)))

Old friend here.

I'm sorry this is such a drawn out and antagonistic process for you. Anyway to just completely let the lawyers handle everything?

Please don't live with something that is unacceptable to you regarding custody. I don't want him to bully you into giving up something that is as important as custody arrangement. I could be completely off base, but As long as you are not emotionally invested, he has little power to abuse emotionally.

Glad your still posting.

julie

You are so right in that I need to keep my emotional investment in check. I am good 99.7% of the time. But everytime I think I am passed it all I am reminded I still have work to do.
WARNING: Rambling to follow.
Thank you. Things have gotten better. Last court date the judge--who is now keen to his L's unorthodox and disrespectful tactics--intervened and things are finally moving forward. He even watched me as I walked passed him to leave court with my lawyer--in a strange way I have never seen before. Like he has seen me for the first time as someone strong and confident and he seemed a little sad. He usually refuses to look at me in public at all, so it struck me as odd, and yes I mind read.

He seems to have stopped fighting and is now so eager to negotiate custody and talk things out with me. He seeks me out.

He has been quiet, attentive, and we even walked to his car together during one of the kids games with OW watching. Can't really tell what is happening and I know better than to trust it.

Made her react a bit, she went out of her way to pull him aside for a conversation--even though he was trying to avoid her as he usually does in these situations. He avoids both of us.

We watched each other the whole time--her and I. I can't help it--it's like a train wreck. My curiosity keeps me wondering. What does he see in her? (money? desperation?) Is there any difference in his interaction with her than with me? (not really, looks like colleagues chatting--he seems disinterested and eager to get away) Man she gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time? (Hahaha--catty me can't help it). Holy Sh!@ she looks 4 mos preggers. OMG what does that mean if she is? (flash of panic that I couldn't quite rationalize at the moment of discovery).

My D called me out on staring. I need to stop. I am mostly ok. When I am not around them, I am better than ever. When I see just him I am better than ever. When I see just her I am better than ever. When I see them at the same time (never really together though because he keeps his distance still--until she decides she needs to mark her territory and makes a show of things) but still, when all three of us are in the same place--I can't stop trying to revisit that puzzle that doesn't make sense. It will never make sense. It is a Picasso put together by a man who does not see the world the way the rest of us do. It is a puzzle that I am better off not solving-because once I start seeing the world that way I know I have gone off the deep end.

And what does it mean if she is preggers? Well, it means absolutely nothing to me. He is already obligated to the support I am entitled to based on the financial formula that the judge laid out. If they don't get married, he's screwed with another dependent to support. If they do get married, she's screwed because she'll be stuck with someone who cannot manage finances and feels entitled to any money that crosses his path.

It means my kids will have a sibling which will affect them. D might be happy, she loves babies. S will be pissed and it will put more strain on his R with STBXH which is finally just now getting on track. I would need to prepare for that if my suspicions are true. But all in all--if he knocked her up it means difficult times for them, and absolutely nothing to me. And if he didn't--well that was a lot of head space I let them take up.

Basically, I dodged a bullet that OW decided to take for me thinking it was the prize. She is the Anne Boelyn in this situation.

She saved me. Yet, I still feel this--jealousy? Shame? Betrayal? It isn't heart break as much as ego bruise, I decided. I mean, I still mourn the loss of someone I loved who was never real. But the person with OW is not the person I loved--even if he looks and acts a lot like that person.And I know the truth. I read up on ASPD daily to remind me why I dodged a bullet. But the image of it still effects me. What everyone else thinks--the court of public opinion. That is where I am having difficulty detaching from at this point.

When we all have to be somewhere all together and everyone knows something but no one let's on what, and I don't know who is on whose side because everyone is so civil and phony. So I have to take a high road, knowing there is talk that I will never hear. Knowing everyone is watching what H and OW do and how I react. And I get distracted and it steals the excitement I should be feeling for my kids accomplishments and shining moments. I miss a goal that was scored. I sit where I don't have a good view during a moving up ceremony. I am not detached enough in these situations. I am angry she shows up--somethings she needs to be a part of because of her job, but a lot of it she really has no reason to be present and any decent mistress would avoid.

And I try to be friendly to all of my acquaintances even when they are standing right beside her--so I have to smile at her to in a way that looks natural, casual, non-sarcastic, unassuming. Just a--I am smiling because you are my kids teacher, parent of my kids friends, standing among the rest of the teachers and parents, who were also friends and neighbors and part of a community I was infiltrated in for the past 12 years of my life, as wife to a colleague, parent, and resident of the community. And now, here we all are--shaken up in a cup and thrown on a table and I don't quite think anyone won in this, but we all feel like someone should have for all that was at stake. So everyone is just standing around the table waiting to see.

And I am not detached in those situations. They aren't frequent anymore--but the past month with all of the end of year hullabaloo crammed in a bunch of these event in a short period of time. And now I have several months of peace until school starts again. The worst is over for now.