Did Not See It

[MoveFrwd]

I know I'm not supposed to care what she thinks, but I'm worried if she see me without my wedding ring she will thing I've already thrown in the towel.

I wouldnt wear it or remove it to get or not get a reaction out of her. There is no way to know how she will react, so there's no reason to try to base your actions off of her.

I would recommend you consider why you are wearing it and decide whether it is a practice you want to continue for yourself.

[EDF]

Thanks for the reply. What you said pertains to me in so many ways. When you say you joined a couple of meetup groups, what exactly do you mean?

'Meetup' is a popular social website that has various groups people can create and join, for just about anything and then people create events. It streamlines the "finding people with similar interests" thing.

[RDS]

RDS,

Sorry you are here buddy. I'm going to pass some 2x4's your way...

Detach, 180 and GAL. Do these things for YOU and be genuine about the changes. This is your best shot at getting your W back.

I really appreciate this post. I really do. I've already made mistakes in the past month since she left me, but thankfully I didn't resort to begging and pleading. I've had very little contact with her so I don't know her emotional state.

Until the last 3 years we had a great marriage but then we both became cold to each other. She did thoughtful things for me but I was unwilling to let her know. For instance, when she cooked me dinners and asked me how it was I would barely acknowledge if the dinner was delicious, but if it was't very good I would let her know what was wrong in spades. I was so resentful of her I rarely let an opportunity go by where I didn't find fault with what she did.

Now that she is gone I fully understand what a fool I've been. She has a lot of faults but loving me was not one of them. I knew she loved me deeply and sadly I let that be my "trump" card to be horrible to her. She finally called my bluff.

I willing to make all changes to better myself to be the man I used to be. I allowed myself to become this bitter man towards her. I didn't like it then and I hate it now.

[RDS]

It's so sad to see the death of a long MR. It sounds as if both of you starved it to death.

If you knew she would never change back to the woman you first M, would you want to continue with the M?

Very good question. Right now I would say "Yes" I would take her back the way she is now. Hopefully, in a few months time after the fog clears I might come to my senses and say, "No" I don't want the woman she became because there was a reason I became unloving and cold to her.

[RDS]

I was an idiot today...

Where I work we are changing our benefits package. I only use the dental and vision insurance at work. I know my W needed new contacts because a couple of months ago she was telling me how she was really stretching the use of her contacts. I texted her and asked if she had ever gotten new contacts. She never answered back and it kind of annoyed me. I finally bit the bullet and called her. It's the first time since May 5 I've talked to her on the phone. It was a very pleasant conversation. We mainly talked about our dog (that she took when she moved out) and my D's new dog. Nothing at all was said about our lives. Our conversation was cut short because her office phone starting ringing and she had to answer it.

Anyway, when we started talking I asked if she had ever made an eye appointment and gotten new contacts. She said she hadn't because she couldn't afford it. I was such a lap dog because I told her to make an eye appointment and get glasses or contacts and I would pay for it. I just couldn't imagine my wife using the same pair of contacts for months on end. I even wrote her an email stating what I was willing to do.

Her email reply was, "RDS, thank you". It was later in the day when I started shaking my head on how dumb I was. If I keep bailing her out financially then she will keep eating the cake.

I got a registration bill for one of the vehicles we have. I so hoped it was for my W's car. Unfortunately it was for my truck. She had paid her car's registration 2 days before she let.

[EDF]

Good on you for recognizing your own mistake. Any thoughts on what you will do differently next time to let you catch the mistake before acting?

[RDS]

Not sure EDF. I know I have to let go of any real compassion for my W. Currently, I just cannot think of my wife being destitute, which unfortunately is why I stayed in this marriage longer than I should have before being slapped in the face. I will not offer to pay for anything else unless it's an emergency and my D asks me to do it. My D is on my side as far as "Mom made her bed, and now she has to sleep in it."

[RDS]

Yesterday I decided to stop wearing my ring. I never realized I had a habit of twirling the ring around my finger with thumb as much as I do.

I videoed me removing the ring and tried to make it out like it was a ceremonial event. I narrated that this is what 31+ years of M and separation looks like. I was going to post it on FB but I decided against it. I don’t need the drama that would surely follow if the video was posted.

[MoveFrwd]

I was going to post it on FB but I decided against it.

Good. This is a personal decision that doesnt need to be shared. The only reason that I could see to share it would be to paint you as the "good guy" and her as the "bad guy". And I dont see how thats at all useful.

[LiM]

Ya, definitely DON'T post anything like that on FB. That wouldn't help matters and would probably make you look silly.

If your W were in an A, I would do NOTHING the help her out financially. I would completely cut her out of my life until she changed her ways. But I don't get the sense that is what is going on here. I would almost be tempted to treat the situation with a little more tenderness. I actually don't see anything wrong with your offer to pay for her contacts. I probably wouldn't have sent a long email about it. A verbal offer should have been sufficient. I say that because this is sort of a medical issue. Its not a good idea to be wearing the same set of contacts for months on end.
Now, that being said, I would not start offering to pay for every little thing she needs. I wouldn't be taking her to appointments (even medical) or running errands or doing anything for her unless it were a real emergency or need. She's got to see what her life will be like without you in it. She needs to see that there is a NEW you living life on this earth and that she is losing out on that.
Focus on you with the goal of being a better person because that's what you want for yourself. Be genuine about the changes you make.