Sunny, the encouraging part is that I've not had these issues with Mr. W. in years. I think this is because I don't have conversations with him where emotion comes into play. I kind of set up our communications to succeed. That means I manage my expectations and steer the conversations to generic, friendly and about our girls.
Ginger, I miss you. If you could conveniently move NJ to somewhere in the middle of NY, that would be great! That isn't to say that NJ won't be part of my plan sometime in the near future. It probably will! And I'll make sure you're in my plan!
Sigh. I guess what I've learned here is that it isn't me. That should make me joyous, right? The communication problem I had when we were emotionally connected is apparently not 100% due to me. And yes, it totally svcks that he finds himself emotionally backed into a corner with his daughter. All she wanted from him is to accompany him to her grandfather's memorial and burial. That *should* be a no-brainer, right? I mean, it's not wrong for her to expect to be with her dad when her own family is buried. It really pi$$es me off that he's just as crappy with his daughter as he was with me.
Ginger, let me offer this as a ray of hope with you and your kiddo. D22 was 8 when her dad moved out. Truthfully, she can only barely remember life when we were all together. She has glimpses and definite memories, but most of it is living in two households.
Every action or conversation I had with her while she lived with me was focused on what I wanted for her. #1 was for her to have an untainted R with her dad. I never wanted her to have to grow up to apply a filter because of my bias. Sure, I had bias, but I had to continually focus on what I'd want if I were her. It did get much easier with time.
The big caveat, though, was that she primarily lived with me, she periodically got thrown into therapy, and our household was an emoting one. I'm going to ask for 2-3 years of a deletion in that high school/college period. That was a blip in our history - albeit important - but most of our life together has been ok. I've always encouraged her to display and talk through emotion. I've always told her it was safe to express the ugly feelings, as long as she wasn't unkind in her display of emotion. I had to work at it.
At 9, she could have *never* been emotionally honest with him. I think she knew deep down that she was going to be the one that suffered. She undoubtedly was doing a lot of observing back then and subconsciously knew that it was not entirely safe. And I think that skepticism has carried forward. She didn't start having these issues with her dad until this past Christmas. The only thing I can attribute this to is because of her pending graduation.
Back when he was in college, he had a very antagonistic and contentious R with his dad. He finished college in 3 years. He got his EE in 3 fricking years and his dad treated him like crap. Before he graduated, his dad told him that he better have plans, because he wasn't welcome at home. From his account when we were dating, his dad wasn't nice. He had no intention of moving back to Montana after getting his engineering degree (on a full scholarship, mind you) or ever living with his parents again. There were many other smaller, hurtful conversations after that too.
So what surprised the he!! out of me was learning that he had a similar conversation with her when she was home for spring break. She was beyond hurt and stunned. It was said unkindly and he let her know that the day after graduation, she was not part of his financial plan. I called him out on this one. And I reminded him that he *hated* his dad for this conversation. His reply? "Well, as much as I hated it, Dad was right." I just shook my head and said, "Seriously? Are you kidding? Because you just turned into the biggest prick on the planet. She's a great kid, gets great grades, she's not a slacker in the slightest and you say that crap to her? Well, news flash. If she wants to live with me while she searches for the job she wants, I'LL help her. So back the hell off." He was really surprised. For the record, she was a presidential scholar her last semester - a 3.8 GPA. Is that the GPA of a freeloader?
He seriously turned into the side of his dad that he despised. And he's heading toward a future of alienation if he keeps it up. Because she will not go out of her way to talk to him. She got that from him, BTW. Only I won't blame her.
What a complete a*hole. I can't even use non cuss words, because they are just too lame.
Keep on keeping on, Ginger. Your D9 will get here soon enough, and one day we'll be having a beer while I get to hear you relay this crap. I promise you that. Your D is not the silent type. And when she becomes an adult, my guess is that she's going to exercise her right to come back at her dad. Mark my words.
Hugs, ladies.
BTW, I have other things happening behind the scenes that aren't boring. The threat of a lawsuit by my next door neighbor, big expenses at the house, drama in my VA family and a slow period here at work. Election years and summer are typically slow, but after a slow winter/spring, it's killing me. I need a drink...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
