What Should I be doing (5)

[Wonka]

Coconut,

Sounds like the process of reconnecting is a zig zag process..not exactly linear or an exact science which brings me to the next point.

What is the date of your first MC session?

Is the MC Gottman based therapist?

Yep, I am holding your feet to this commitment. What did you expect, buddy?

[Wonka]

Oh and I wanted to respond to the poster who called me a "he"....

Looking down in my chest area and lap...

Yep, all woman! sashaying on the stage in my pink boa

[Coconut]

Wonka, I think I make the piecing more zig zag than it needs to be. It seems to me that someone that takes longer to get to that stage would be in a better spot after having time to really DB. Whereas I over react to what my W does or says, am still very much emotionally attached, basically I've only approved my GAL activities and have more self confidence than I did.

My W has her midterm test on Thursday, so we weren't able to go to MC this week due to all the study time, but we have an appt for next Tuesday with a level 3 Gottman therapist. And I'm ok with you holding my feet to the water, you've helped me get here and I'm sure you and Sandi2 don't wanna see me fail now. I really can't thank you two enough.

Ps - Truth be told, when you first came to my thread I thought you were male also, I guess the username just comes across that way.

[Wonka]

Ps - Truth be told, when you first came to my thread I thought you were male also, I guess the username just comes across that way.

Yeah, you and 3,026 other DBers. No worries. All good here.

[sandi2]

but it kind of cements things as far as getting back together goes.

You may not know it, but you've just reinforced what I previously said. For men, sex is their security blanket in the MR. They think once they have sex with their W, that seals the deal and the MR is, once again, secure.

But that's just the man's viewpoint.

[RSG]

I guess I should clarify my drive by statement lol.

You can likely tell the difference between real, close, connected physical intimacy and the kind that's just meeting needs. Now, the W can always be heartless and evil, and pretend. But a real, close moment seems like it would mean something very important.

[Coconut]

RSG, it wasn't real close connected sex, it was filling a need. I did a lot of work to turn her on before she pulled me to her, I asked about her saying too soon, she told me she was referring to for her.


And cue anger... Ok, so today I've been feeling angry again... Mind wandering, wondering what was going on in her head, what could she have possibly be thinking to be talking to OM like that while she was cuddling with me at night, angry that she would text him good morning and night while laying in our marital bed... Grrr.

I have not let any of the anger out, I'm just processing my thoughts, allowing them to be heard and letting them go away. I keep thinking that I've forgiven her for the affair, but her thoughts behind her actions, her total disregard for me, was part of her A and it would seem as though I haven't forgiven for that... Oh well, I know I will feel better in time, and I will just deal with these thoughts as they come.

Now, as for piecing, I forget who says it all the time, but you definitely have to eat $hit sandwiches during the process. The other night when we ML, we were kissing and a thought goes through my mind (is she comparing my kisses to OM?), now I know that it would be a bad idea to bring up every thought that goes through my mind, so I had to eat it ($hit sandwhich). And there are plenty of other thoughts that come up when we are spending time together, some worth tabling until we have R talk, but most I just have to eat because they wouldn't do anything useful.

[Coconut]

Oh, one other thing, eventually I am going to run into OM, as long as he works at that station, because they frequently have activities for the public that I will be going to. Now by nature, I know that when I see him I will want to rush him and destroy him like I would have when I was a kid, but I know better and wouldn't want to deal with the law anyway. So my guess is that he will avoid me and I will do the same, but on the off chance he doesn't, if he comes up to me to apologize or anything, what's an appropriate way to handle that?

[cbtdad]

$hit sandwiches are no good!! There is no way to possibly make them taste better either. But it's great that you understand the process and are processing the emotions. It will be a rollercoaster ride for long time, but it will get better.
I promise you it does.
I use to have all those same thoughts in my head about that
My W texting OM when I was right there, etc
I finally realized that it wasn't my W and that was the A fog.
That's the part where I took my blame. I 100 percent left my W vulnerable and open to an A. She still made her choices and I'm taking all the blame, but I know my role in it. So when I would start getting angry I would remind myself of the things I did as well.
As far as the OM goes. Don't stress about that. It will find its way. If he comes up and apologizes then accept it, keep it simple and walk away.
My W and I are still friends with a couple that she met through the OM. We even went on a cruise together.
I would have never imagined that. So who knows
Remember you can't control it

[RSG]

Ah, I see Coconut. Therein lies the awkwardness. You want to be with her so badly, you push and......
When it's spontaneous, loving and you're both into it. That's what I meant. Only a truly evil woman can even contemplate faking that kind of connection.

You know, I haven't done so badly with anger. Sure, I've thought nasty things in my head and screamed so much the dog was surprised. But I haven't said them to her. Even though she would end up bawling like a baby (after doing a bit of her own yelling I'd bet), the short emotional high from getting that out would crush everything for me and my son as well.

Yeah, I can imagine even the most mundane situations sparking a thought. Wanting to address it immediately and having to eat it, otherwise tons of hard work could be lost in one heated discussion.

You're doing well, keep it up!!