It's been awhile and I'm processing stuff again, so I thought I'd jump in here to do that. Before I do, thanks to BA for coming over to the melee and bringing Carol. It was delightful to meet her. I'm sorry it was busy... Weddings and funerals seem to do that. And a special thanks for the wine and scotch. I drank the scotch on the plane home.
So next week, D22, D19 and I will be making the trek to Massachusetts to move D22. I hadn't planned on another road trip, but all her friends who said they would drive with her bailed, and Mr. Wonderful is otherwise occupied, so I'm doing it. I just didn't think it was safe for a 22 year old female to make a 3+ day drive alone while towing a 6x12' trailer. There's so much that could happen. She's really happy about it, so there is that.
Mr. Wonderful can't go because his dad passed away on Monday. He left for Montana after a dental appointment yesterday. That's the only reason he gets a free pass from me. Right now, anyway. When he gets back, however, I'm probably going to give him a come to Jesus talk.
Sigh. I thought I had been diplomatic yet pointed when we drove to NY last month. On that trip, he got grumpy with me for no apparent reason and I called him by his dad's name. He was taken aback when I said it and I told him that he was acting like his dad, and it was a side of his dad he didn't appreciate or like. I told him that he was being a d!ck and nobody wanted to hang out with a d!ck so to consider a different response. He nodded and seemed to get it. Then later on in the trip, he started to go into his a*hole mode so I looked across the table and calmly said, "... D!ck...." and he nodded.
After we got home, I started to notice that d!ck mode was coming back more frequently. And then I realized that he was back with his GF for round 3. He treats everyone like crap when he's dating her. Not my problem. I just call him out when he acts like a jerk with me and he usually stops it.
Anyhoo, last week is when he got word that his dad was in the hospital with kidney failure and that it was the beginning of the end. He invited me and the girls over for dinner on Saturday and we talked about pending plans and had a really nice evening. On our way home, D22 said, "It looks like he's back with her again." I said, "Yep, seems that way to me." She replied, "He's like a damn 7th grade boy. I mean who breaks up and gets back together with their GF 3x? A 13 year old boy!" Then she said, "I'm really not sure why Dad keeps changing the subject when I tell him I want to drive to Montana with him when Gramps dies." I think it was a musing that we both knew the reason, but I let it drop.
He called Monday afternoon to let us know that his Dad had died earlier in the day.
So Tuesday morning, he called me to let me know that he was leaving Wednesday morning and would be dropping D19 off on his way out. Later in the day, D22 dropped D19 off at his house and to pick up his housewarming gift for her. She came home afterward with tears running down her face. I really was surprised and asked what happened? They were not tears of sadness of saying goodbye to her dad...
And then her tears came a little more forcefully. She said, "On my way out the door, I told him I still wanted to go with him and as usual, he kept me at bay. Then he mumbled, "GF is coming with me, and she has a special gift for you. I guess I'll send it." And that pissed her off. She said to him, "I figured that out! I really don't understand why you try to keep your family from me. They're my family too! They're not your GF's family - she's never met them!" He said, "that's why I'm introducing them to her now." She retorted, "You're introducing her--who doesn't drink--to our family--who are raging alcoholics--during a celebration of life and a burial? Are you insane? Who does that?" He looked at her. So she said, "And BTW, I sure as hell hope you and Uncle B ask for an autopsy, because I'm betting he has Korsakoff Syndrome. And for the record, you should be worrying about that too."
I was absolutely dumbfounded. I was a biology/premed major in college, and with a developmentally disabled kid, I think I know more about stuff than the average bear. But I had never heard of Korsakoff. She ran upstairs to change before heading out to play trivia with her friends, so I looked it up on my iPad. And sure enough, it described his dad's symptoms to a T.
She came down and said, "We studied it in one of my chemical engineering classes. I knew the minute we studied it it was what Gramps was suffering from." I said, "What did your dad say when you threw that at him?" She said, "nothing. He just stood there with a blank look on his face."
I swear to God, you guys, I was having flash backs from my marriage and divorce to him. And this reminded me why I found him so frustrating. But it made me super mad that she was now firmly entrenched in these wholly dissatisfying conversations with him. And she's the one who is crying now. That makes my heart hurt.
I've always wanted to slap that blank look off his face. It's the wall he puts up to shut himself off from his emotions. It's also the wall that shuts people out. I want to chew his a$$ out so badly. But like I said earlier, it will wait until we are both home. It's not her fault that he's emotionally stunted.
Before she left, she gave me a hug and a kiss and said, "I had no idea when I was younger, but you deserve a medal for being married to that as long as you were. He doesn't want to grow, and I can't figure out why. I'm so glad you're free from him. For the life of me, I can't figure out how you stayed as long as you did. I love you for this, you know."
I love my kid. She's the best. Too bad her dad is an emotionally stunted 55 year old man with the emotional maturity of a 13 year old boy. She nailed that exactly right.
For the record, on our trip to/from NY, I told him I was calling him out because I was and always had been his friend. I reminded how hurt he was by his R with his dad. He smiled and said, "Yes. You're right. And how is it that you feel safe telling me this now?" I said, "Cause what's the worst you could do? Divorce me? You already did. I'm doing you a favor now." And he laughed.
He shows glimpses of being normal and then doesn't. It just svcks that he's resumed his old R with me with our daughter. You can bet your a$$ I'll be coaching her through this. I did tell her, "I'm advising you to continue your conversation with him after you get settled and the emotions aren't hot. And then I think you should say everything you want to say. Because Grandma P used to blame me for putting the distance between her and you girls. She never believed me that it was her son's choice. Now the truth is out there for everyone to see."
Ugh. So now he's kind of sucking up by texting her. She's okay with it, so he should be glad it's her and not me. Right now, he just pi$$es me off and I want to thump him on the head.
Back to work. Hope everyone else is having an easier time with their former spouses. I can wish that for you, right?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
