Did Not See It

[RDS]

I'm a big introvert too, and really I think the last few years I had been essentially self-medicating with electronics (video games, internet, etc). It was a lot easier to fill my spare time with diversions than to try and tackle why I was increasingly unhappy, or seek more meaningful connections with other people.

In a way I was kinda a mirror of what the Waywards do, seeking the momentary highs rather than doing the hard work to really dig deep and fix things.

Anyway, in case it helps I wanted to share a couple things that have helped me recently with trying to be held back less by my introversion:

• I read a book on small talk. Have been practicing it on random people (hair cut lady, in line at grocery store, etc). Not trying to make a new best friend, but just trying to move beyond 'mute'.
• I make a point to take breaks from phone/tablet/etc, even when I don't have anything else I have to do.
• Joined a couple meetup groups.
• Initiated contact with a couple friends/relatives I haven't spoken to in a while.

Thanks for the reply. What you said pertains to me in so many ways. When you say you joined a couple of meetup groups, what exactly do you mean?

[RDS]

Today is the one month "anniversary" of when I found out about the BD, although it actually happened May 5 when my D and I left to go to TX for her graduation for her Masters' degree. She used the weekend to move out and take a lot of our stuff with her. I still don't know where she lives.

The day we returned from TX and found out the W moved out was Mother's day so that upsets my D a lot. Luckily my D is pretty busy finishing her thesis so she hasn't had too much time to dwell on it.

Our contact has been extremely limited and after I hired a lawyer and served her spousal support papers it's been nearly non-existent. Her best friend told me the W won't talk to me because the paper says she isn't allowed to converse with me. I know my W knows better because the wording on the papers says something along the lines of "harassment contacts". I've shown the papers to a few people and they all say it's pretty obvious that casual contact is okay, but not the harassment kind. I think it's just an excuse for my W not to come to terms that we will have to communicate sometime in the future.

As I said, I don't know where she moved to. That's irritating because she obviously knows where I live. Occasionally when I get home from work there will be a couple of bags of old pictures of us and some of my old military memorabilia will be on the porch from when she left it there during the day. I don't know why she is doing that. I don't text, email, or call here to let her know I got the stuff. My D did tell me my W was happy that I didn't throw some of the stuff away. I almost did because usually I'm not the sentimental kind of guy, but my D talked me out of getting rid of it. I guess I should be happy I did not throw it away.

She has until June 22 to respond to the papers. I'm thinking I should not initiate any contact with her until after that. She told my D she could not afford a lawyer to contest the financial arrangement of our separation. I am not sure of that because she knows a lot of people, including lawyers, so I'm sure she can get help with that.

I've been reading the DR religiously. It would only help me now. If I had the book 6 months ago it would not have helped. Back then I didn't care about my marriage because I thought splitting with my W would be a godsend. How wrong I was. I just hope there is still time.

[RDS]

When I finally see my wife should I wear my wedding ring? If she isn't wearing her ring should I be concerned?

[SH_]

When I finally see my wife should I wear my wedding ring? If she isn't wearing her ring should I be concerned?

Only you can decide whether to wear the ring or not. Just do it with a sincere intent that is for you.

You should not worry about anything she does. (see sandi's rule 32)

[RDS]

Only you can decide whether to wear the ring or not. Just do it with a sincere intent that is for you.

You should not worry about anything she does. (see sandi's rule 32)

I know you're right. I read in someone's post that he is wearing his ring because he is still standing by his vows. That's how I feel so that is why I will continue to wear my ring until I know there is no chance for this marriage.

No matter what happens in my life if I see her not wearing her wedding ring it will feel like a stake in my heart.

[doodler]

RDS,

I don't know the pros and cons of wearing rings (or not wearing them) within the context of DB, but removing your ring would be one indicator that you're ready and willing to move on with your life.

I'm not trying to confuse the issue for you, but I hope others chime-in because I'd like to know if there's a consensus on ring wearing.

[RDS]

My W is emotional. I know I'm not supposed to care what she thinks, but I'm worried if she see me without my wedding ring she will thing I've already thrown in the towel. Right now I just can't take it off.

[LiM]

RDS,

Sorry you are here buddy. I'm going to pass some 2x4's your way. I hope you see that it is to help you and not to hurt you.
You're W doesn't care what you do with your ring at this point. She checked out of your M a LONG time ago. I can't imagine she is wearing her ring. This was planned well in advance. She may still love you on some level but she stopped being IN love with you.
I get the impression that she has been very unhappy for a very long time and that you both stopped trying a long time ago. There is a lot of hurt. She has probably felt very alone and unappreciated.
This will not be an easy or quick fix. Things will not be better next week or next month. You need to start thinking long term.
Your situation reminds me a little of my mom and dad. They were married close to 30 years when my mom left my dad. He was caught completely off guard. He was emotionally abusive to the whole family and sometimes physically abusive to the kids. When my mom left, I don't think there was any hope at all of the M being reconciled. But that was because there was no hope in my dad ever being able to change on any significant level. He had always been that way. My mom first sought D advice before I was 1 year old.
I'm not implying that you are anything like my dad, but after 30 years, what changes are you capable of making? You need to take a long, hard, deep look within yourself and find your faults. Be honest with yourself. Whats there and what are you willing to change. I'm certain your W has her faults too but right now is not the time to be concerned with that. Its RDS time right now.
My advice to you would be tool cool your jets on the legal action. In fact, just stop it for now. Next, take ALL your attention off of your W and put it squarely on you. You need to detach, 180 and GAL. RDS needs to become a new person. And awesome, emotionally attractive, caring person. You CAN do that on your own. Eventually, you will have an interaction with your W. Its ok if that doesn't occur for 2 or 3 or 4 months. If you TRULY implement changes in your life, she will be BLOWN away when she next sees you because confidence will be oozing from your pores. When she see's you and the changes you have made, she will be open and receptive to you. It will be obvious. At that point, you will have the opportunity to start dating her.
You need to make these changes in your life for YOU, not for her. If you are not making changes for YOU, it isn't genuine and she will see straight through it.
Detach, 180 and GAL. Do these things for YOU and be genuine about the changes. This is your best shot at getting your W back.

[sandi2]

It's so sad to see the death of a long MR. It sounds as if both of you starved it to death.

If you knew she would never change back to the woman you first M, would you want to continue with the M?

[TimR]

So sorry to see you here. For some reason no matter what we are personally feeling we rarely see these things coming. You will have a lot of soul searching to do and many sleepless nights. Do not take all the blame on yourself. It takes two people to ruin a M. BUT be honest with yourself about your faults and work on those. Look at getting some counseling but research who you go to, careful who you confide in, and listen to the good advice you will get on this board.

I wish you the best of luck and feel for you.