So are you guys still trying to work it out w your spouse even if they file? Can you even turn around that situation?
That's like - this person is stabbing me in the back, how can I DB them so they will want to reconcile w me? I mean is that even an appropriate thought to be having?
qt4x11, Hey there. Try to remain calm. I was in your shoes just yesterday and it's hard. I'm very sorry to hear that the petition was filed. You can join the ranks of myself, and Jb, who always was filed against this week (Jb monday, me tues, and now you).
This is very hard to process, even when you've seen it coming for weeks/months/etc. I struggled yesterday, I went dark on my W, she texted and called a couple times, I never answered or responded. As others have told me, you need this time to digest what just happened. Referring to the 72 hour rule, don't make any rash decisions.
My wife (the petitioner - thanks Jb), showed up at our home last night (she has been staying at in-laws), at 1030PM because I'd been ignoring her "just to say hi". read the last few pages of my thread "start of something: papers" and you'll see what I mean. It's rough, but I was able to control myself, and basically shut my frickin mouth for a change so I didn't belt out a bunch of PLEASE DONT DO THIS AND THESE ARE MY REASONS WHY nonsense that she probably didn't want to hear.
So, sorry this is getting long. but to answer your questions: NO! This is not over. No! Nothing changes (unless you haven't started the LRT - if you haven't started LRT, you should looking in to starting NOW).
there is a reason that states started forcing a 60-day waiting period for D's... it's because so many people would file, and then re-marry after divorce, all in teh same month. People file for D, and the retract it before it's final ALL THE TIME.
You're fine. It's time for you to process everything going on, and come up with a plan of action.
It is. You make yourself more attractive and hope she recognizes the changes.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
But I thought the point of this site was to 'bust the divorce'. There's plenty of self improvement programs on the Internet.
No site is going to be 100% successful. Nothing we can advise or you can do can force her to stay if she doesnt want to. The advice on this site does two main things:
- teaches you how to avoid doing things that will drive her away - teaches you how to become a person only a fool would leave
None of us can help it if she is a fool.
That said, the DB process is s...l...o...w. If situations turn around, it usually takes months, maybe even years. The benefit is that the lessons you learn last a lifetime.
But I thought the point of this site was to 'bust the divorce'. There's plenty of self improvement programs on the Internet.
I think the guys are trying to put it in a nutshell for you and you're reading it as only a self improvement program. If that's all it was, I doubt we would have so many testimonies to being the hardest thing people have had to do.
Honestly, I don't anything that will guarantee stopping her in her tracks. Anything you read on the Internet, or anywhere else, that says their way can.......is lying. She is an individual with free volition. Right now, she may be twisted every which way.....and be as wrong as sin, but the cold fact of life is that there may be nothing to cause her to change her mind & feelings about going through with a divorce. Sixty days is not much time to bust a divorce, however, I think it is possible...........if the H plays his cards right......and even of he does, there are no promises in how it will turn out. If you are looking for guarantees, you probably need to just pass us by and frantically search for a witch doctor.
MWD says something in her DR book that I believe applies in every situation. She says she may not be able to tell you what to do to save your M, but she can tell you what not to do! It takes time to get all this information. You are a mess, trying to just process what she told the police........then before you had time to blink.....wham! Even if we had the magic formula, you are so panicked you would screw it up. So.....what should a person do when faced with this news?
Talk to your lawyer to see what your next step should be. Ask him how you can protect your property and finances. Have you taken your money and placed in a private/separate account? What can you do to get every right that fathers should have? Make a list of questions to ask the lawyer.
Do not discuss anything with your W, her family, or mutual friends. Do not trust your W. I would even consider having a third party (who your W knows) to intervene in picking up and delivering the children on your days........at least while you are so upset. My advice is no contact with her, until you have time to fully discuss your options with your lawyer, and to follow through with his advice about finances, etc. You don't need to communicate with her until you calm down. It is just too risky. It may even be another trap.
If you have a wise and trusted person you can share your burden with, so you can feel some emotional relief at the moment........perhaps you can turn to her/him to talk you down from the ledge.
None of us are nonchallent about what you are experiencing, and don't want to appear as though we are. The first thing you must do is calm your emotions in a smart way......and don't make some stupid move you'll regret later. I hope tonight you won't try to "do" anything to save or destroy your MR. Focus on taking care of you, and just getting through tonight.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is a visualization/meditation technique to do when things seem very dark and you can’t go on.
Think back to 3 times in your life when all things seemed very bleak and all seemed lost.
1. In 2009 my father died, I remember not wanting to talk to anyone for days, and one night when I was driving down the highway at top speed in the dead of night. This was a very dark time for me. 2. In 2006 my ex girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me. I remember it hit me like a punch to the gut, I remember one day I went to my car during lunch at work and I cried. I thought that I would never love again. 3. In 2000 I decided to leave my friends in NYC and start over from scratch in Chicago. I felt lost, directionless, I felt like a failure.
Each of these times felt like the lowest point in my life, in my mind I could not get any lower and would never be happy again. But - if you asked me today, in 2016, if I’d like to go back to
1. The summer day my father died in a dimly lit hospital room surrounded by doctors, or 2. The cold winter morning my ex girlfriend broke up with me on the phone as I drove to work, or 3. The day I sat in my darkened apartment and decided that there was nothing left for me in NYC, and that I should just go back to Chicago because I didn’t have any money left
If you asked me to go back to these times in my life I would gladly go back! Why would I want to go back to such dark times in my life and relive them? Because I also know that I recovered from these times, and went on to have very happy times, so much joy that they made these bad times seem almost irrelevant. Meeting my wife for the first time, the birth of my children, happy times that gave shape and meaning to the periods of darkness I’ve gone through in my life.
You never know what life has in store for you, even at your lowest point, there could be great joy around the nearest corner. In 10 years, will I look back at this horrible miserable, day in June 2016 when my wife was trying to divorce me - and laugh? Will I laugh at how miserable I was? because I forgot that I would be happy again if I just accept the past and let life change again.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
So are you guys still trying to work it out w your spouse even if they file? Can you even turn around that situation?
That's like - this person is stabbing me in the back, how can I DB them so they will want to reconcile w me? I mean is that even an appropriate thought to be having?
qt4x11, Hey there. Try to remain calm. I was in your shoes just yesterday and it's hard. I'm very sorry to hear that the petition was filed. You can join the ranks of myself, and Jb, who always was filed against this week (Jb monday, me tues, and now you).
This is very hard to process, even when you've seen it coming for weeks/months/etc. I struggled yesterday, I went dark on my W, she texted and called a couple times, I never answered or responded. As others have told me, you need this time to digest what just happened. Referring to the 72 hour rule, don't make any rash decisions.
My wife (the petitioner - thanks Jb), showed up at our home last night (she has been staying at in-laws), at 1030PM because I'd been ignoring her "just to say hi". read the last few pages of my thread "start of something: papers" and you'll see what I mean. It's rough, but I was able to control myself, and basically shut my frickin mouth for a change so I didn't belt out a bunch of PLEASE DONT DO THIS AND THESE ARE MY REASONS WHY nonsense that she probably didn't want to hear.
So, sorry this is getting long. but to answer your questions: NO! This is not over. No! Nothing changes (unless you haven't started the LRT - if you haven't started LRT, you should looking in to starting NOW).
there is a reason that states started forcing a 60-day waiting period for D's... it's because so many people would file, and then re-marry after divorce, all in teh same month. People file for D, and the retract it before it's final ALL THE TIME.
You're fine. It's time for you to process everything going on, and come up with a plan of action.
Quote:
None of us are nonchallent about what you are experiencing, and don't want to appear as though we are. The first thing you must do is calm your emotions in a smart way......and don't make some stupid move you'll regret later. I hope tonight you won't try to "do" anything to save or destroy your MR. Focus on taking care of you, and just getting through tonight.
Thank you guys for your support, it means a lot you have no idea. You would have been proud of me - despite everything, I'm still DBing.
I had to be with my wife for 2 hours yesterday at the passport office with the kids. The reason for this - I'm taking the kids on a vacation to Cancun and both parents need to be there for this. She didnt want to be alone with me - so she brought her best friend (ugh). I was like, casual, playing with the kids, cracking jokes with casey mcleod and the passport lady. I didn't bring up the anything about our recent troubles and the filing. Her friend - who is probably her closest confidante and most likely one of my detractors - helped me find travel deals on her phone.
I spoke with my wife only a little, she just gave me dagger looks out the corner of her eye. The anger was still there and it was palpable. I don't understand the anger. I guess this is 'textbook' - blowing me up as a villain in her mind to justify her actions. I could tell it was annoying to her that I did not have a breakdown about the recent filing, and was nonchalant for the most part.
Inside I'm a wreck, this performance took everything I had. I brought my kids home and fed them dinner, did homework with them, and put them to sleep and fell asleep myself while I held them.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Inside I'm a wreck, this performance took everything I had. I brought my kids home and fed them dinner, did homework with them, and put them to sleep and fell asleep myself while I held them.
Total awesomeness dude! You did a great job; that, in and of itself, is something to be proud of. Going to sleep while holding your children is icing on the cake.
My cousin texted me also yesterday. She called my W sometime yesterday and tried to put in a good word for me. She told my ex I was sorry I was a good man and I was putting in work to change despite what happens to us. I'm thinking now that my cousin kind of hurt my case yesterday, but I couldn't control her.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
This was yesterday, sometime after the meeting with W at passport office. I was taking a walk with my daughter. We stopped to sit down and she sat on my lap as she always does, I hugged her tight and kissed her. I held her face in my hand and I said - I love you so much. I want you to know, no matter what happens, I will always be there for you. You are the most precious thing in the world to me, I love you so much.
I couldn’t help it, I’m so emotional right now. My poor girl. She doesn’t understand totally what I’m saying but she feels it. She cried some tears and gave me a kiss. I love you so much, daddy.
She is so innocent and pure! Everything is about to change, and i HATE that I can’t protect her. Why why why. What my wife is doing is so reckless and destructive. But I can’t let myself get angry about it - I have to try to calm myself right now and keep a clear head. I can’t let myself think about it too much because it always leads back to … this all happened because of me, my mistakes. Then I am paralyzed by guilt and I am no use to anybody.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
