Need a fresh start...but he's still here

[lost18]

Are you sending signals to your H that you are needy? Are your actions betraying you? If you are playing the pursuer, your H won't.

You got me thinking RAI-I think my actions have been very inconsistent! Mostly because I am so frustrated at times. It has been almost a year since he has, not really sure what he has done, stopped thinking divorce, come back to the marriage, resigned to being together. Honestly I'm not sure what he is thinking.

We have not talked about anything at all. The closest we've come is the night we went out for dinner and drinks, we were having a good time, I had a few too many margaritas and had a new one in front of me and he suddenly says "let's go!" And was adamant that we needed to leave right then, I of course was against it and said I just got a new drink etc. etc. He's looking around the room saying "we need to go now!" So I got pissy and said "why? did you F somebody in here?!?" He just looked at me like I can't believe you just said that. That my friends is why you should limit your alcohol consumption! LOL Of course, you would think that might prompt a conversation but not with my H because he wants to totally avoid a conversation at all. GRRRR! BTW, turns out something he ate made him sick, he could've just communicated that and made life in that moment much easier.

Lack of communication has been huge lately. Another example, I had texted him one Friday from work that I wanted to go out for drinks when I got home (it had been a rough week). When I got home he is still in his grungy clothes, so I said you don't look ready to go out to which he replies something along the lines of "not feeling like it." Of course I was not happy but I tried to let it go, texted a couple of my friends to see if they were available but ended up taking D14 to dinner. Didn't really say anything to him about it but I'm sure, if he was paying attention, he could tell by my attitude that I wasn't happy. The next day we were talking and he tells me that he's been trying to figure out his new medication (from the heart attack incident) and he has been feeling like crap. Once again if he would've just communicated with me.....

I guess the point is that not everything that is going on has to do with me so I really need to take a step back and not take everything so personally. Certain things, like him not wishing me a Happy Mother's Day....that I took personally. And, that morning he told me that his buddy posted a picture of what he got his wife for mother's day (something we had talked about getting). I asked if they even had kids together and he said I don't think so. Never said a word to me...we did get in a fight that night and when I said "you never even wished me a happy mother's day" he replied "yea." I'm still very upset by that, I feel like he did it on purpose.

So here we are, lots of stuff going on in life his back, his job, his heart...and I'm sitting in a very unfulfilling marriage, still seeing potential that I'm not sure is there because I'm not sure if he is willing to see it. With that being said I have really been refocusing on me, remembering when I was happiest and most fulfilled with my life (even if not in my marriage) and that was when I was working out, running and competing in races...basically being active with other active people. The past couple of weeks I have been making a point to get out and walk/run (by myself mostly)to get me back started toward being fit. I still have a long ways to go and much more to do but it's a start!