Cadet, fixing can be so exhausting, can't it. The best action right now is doing nothing! Probably the hardest one for a fixer.
barb, thanks for sharing that part of your journey. I am enough, right here, right now, perfectly imperfect. You never get to appreciate yourself, or someone else, if you are always trying to make it "better"
I was raised to be a hard-worker, and everything you get is something you worked for. I want a loving partnership, so I figure I have to do whatever work I can to get it. I tend to think I didn't work hard enough, because I can't seem to get it. The mantra that you can achieve anything you want if you work for it can be so deceiving sometimes. I tend to think it's a lack of work on my part if I can't achieve something I am trying so hard for and want so much that seems to come so easy to other people. It's not the case. Sometimes we work so hard, but the outcome just isn't what we hope.
Wii, it definitely comes in waves. It's low tide right now for me, but I still think I am a badass. As are you.
I spoke to a friend yesterday and it really is time to have a funeral for me and exNG's R. Time to put it to rest. I couldn't have tried any harder, done anything different, loved any more. Our R did not die because of me. I do know that. No amount of work can fix the broken in other people. I figured if I was lovable enough, it could fix his brokenness. I know better than that. And you know what? his loss. And I think he knows that.
I may speak too soon, but I have not cried inn 24 hours. My thoughts are less about exng. Hopefully soon they will be gone except for a good memory or 2 that brings a smile and not sadness.
