Don't know what to do

[sandi2]

Welcome to the community. I think you will get support here. It is good that you are reaching out before a decision has been made to divorce.

It can be very challenging being in a long term relationship with a person who is opposite of our personality type. In my M, I am the extrovert and my H the introvert........so I understand the frustration it brings. Not to be discouraging by saying, only want you to realize that if the two of you stay M, it may become more difficult through the years if you are not able to make these differences work for you instead of against you.

When my H and I were dating, I saw him as being the strong, silent type of guy. Well, that challenged me to find out what made him tick. He was a little mysterious b/c he would not verbally express himself, and I was used to be around people who verbalized everything! So, we get M and that's when I discover the truth. The man just would not talk! Me? I am a talker, so trying to get him to talk about deeper issues than the weather, was hair-pulling frustration! How does a couple go through life together if they don't talk? I had no clue.

It took me many, many years and a river of tears........a ton of anger, much resentment, and growing disrespect, to find myself ready to walk out of my M. Not b/c of our differences, but b/c of the issues that were not resolved, the unfulfilled emotional needs, and unmet expectations. My attempts at trying to get my H to talk was seen as me b'tching and pressuring. Finally, I was fed up. I began to withdraw more and more. Long story short, I eventfully was enticed into the Internet chat world and had an A with another man. The DB board helped me tremendously, and today, I am still with my H. Oh, and in case you are wondering...........no, he has not changed. However, I have changed, I think. What I failed to realize was that I had been trying to change him all those years ago. He didn't want to change and he resented me pressuring him, so he had plenty of resentment, too.

Somehow, a couple has to learn how to appreciate their differences instead of resenting it. Before M, we had the whole attraction thing working for us..........and that seems to blind us from the negative side of those differences and/or how we will clash after M.

My H would never agree to attend MC! Even after my A, he would not go with me. Like I said, I understand the frustration. Here's the thing........it will not just get better in time. That's a false hope that leaves you empty and withered. The two of you are clashing b/c you are very different personalities. Some couple who are too much alike can't live together, either. I don't believe you just grow together b/c you are M to each other. It's more like you grow further apart and just live under the same roof. I have been that route and it is miserable!

You have a decision to make which will affect the rest of your life. If you stay in the M, you need to be willing to change yourself. Don't look at him and expect him to change. Why? B/c you are the one who is here............not him. You will have to be be willing to accept him, without changing him..........if you want to save your M.

FWIW, when we change, it usually influences our S more than any thing else we could try. It helps a lot if they compromise with us, but you may have a man who refuses to budge.

The romance can return. I have learned, however, that we need to improve other areas before we can experience the romantic feelings. If we focus on the feelings, first, it gets pretty muddy. Follow through with actions, first, and the feelings will catch up.

I suggest you make a list of things you could do to that shows you are trying to do things your H likes, at least, occasionally. I'm not saying to change who you are, but act as if you aren't M to him and want to get to know him and be with him. Isn't that what you did before marriage? You will still have time to do your thing and hang out at a friends house. If you want to save your M, you have to "give" till it hurts. He is different than you, and he wants you to come over to his world occasionally. Try it, and put on your happy face, and see if you drop dead..............or if he does! . You may feel that you might, but just do it anyway.

Work on that list of things you are willing to do to give your M the chance it needs to make it in the long haul.