dang, I knew I'd forget! whatisis--your "Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White resonates. one of my favorite quotes is so similar, from Therese of Lisieux--"Love is repaid by love alone."
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I'm on year 8 too...8 is a lucky number to the Chinese It's funny how when crisis comes up, some people cling to their faith and others just lose it. Life is cycles and we all go through periods where our beliefs are challenged and we have to come to terms with that, one way or another. I've found my faith to be an amazing oasis through this change in my life. My last relationship introduced me to a church denomination that has become a huge part of my life. I lost the girl but kept the faith I hope you too find your way to a place where you feel comfortable and at peace.
I am also on year 8..... I also went by a different screen name which included my D8's name......
I did not know you are a fellow nurse! I work in corporate finance as one now for healthcare system. My job is, um, boring, but it pays the bills and provides me with a great work life balance. I am back in school for my BSN to add to plate. I am scare I may never get back into bedside due to being out for so long. You might want to look into auditing, it's great for those want to slow down. I am the youngest nurse in my department. The rest are going to retire here.
Stable is good. I worked a lot on healing, acceptance of OWW, particularly in my D's life. Sometimes I am just surviving, others can be good.
No major R's for me, my last one was 6 months, but powerful in many ways. I also, overcompensate. My R's have been very much as you describe. I have been a placeholder, a place of comfort, and a Band-Aid for some. My last one, well, claims to still love me, does nothing about, and moved on to someone else in a blink of an eye.
Reviewing what worked and what didn't is the best course of action. It's silly to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, right?
I am taking a hiatus from self work. I'm going to just be exactly who I am for a while. even if that she is nutcase, lol.
Whatisis: I tried desperately to cling to my faith. I think part of the problem was that the same week my xH left, I found out my ministry job was ending because of jealousy and sabotage by another staff member. Two very significant betrayals in one week; one cost me my marriage, the other my community. I have never been able to connect with another parish in which I felt safe/comfortable, nor another denomination that felt right. I did what I could--spiritual direction, reading, attempts to connect...just haven't been able to, and I don't see it happening now. It's been such an uphill battle otherwise financially and health-wise; I've had a couple of jobs that were outright hostile environments. It's been very difficult to reconcile the concept of a loving God with ongoing pain and isolation. It's hard to beg for bread and be given a stone repeatedly and keep believing in some kind of divine kindness. I've seen it in other people, and I kept thinking my day was coming too--if I kept doing all the right things--but it just seems absurd at this point. I needed it badly, needed the sense of belonging and connection, and chased it persistently. I just don't have the energy to keep chasing. It's ironic--for 7 years I did pastoral/health ministry and did my best to help people not fall into this position, did everything I could to support outreach and reconciliation with conscious intention. I have no doubt God exists. I just have no sense s/he is aware that I do.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Ginger: what was your previous screen name--if you feel comfortable sharing? Glad you're doing well.
Yes, nursing is really a tough world these days. In my area there have been lots of mass layoffs; 3 in 3 years for me. And it took 4 1/2 months for me to find this job--I sort of aged out, I suppose, and in spite of lots of openings for which I was very qualified, I had very few interviews. So I hope to be here for another 10 years before I retire. As you said, it's boring! But tolerable. And I've had my time with intense jobs, so boring is okay.
I've only had the one post-divorce relationship. Not looking for any others. I kind of got manipulated and spent much of the time confused about what was going on between us; didn't really have enough self-esteem to state my needs. Recurring pattern for me, and I have no intention of finding any others. Besides, health-wise, I had a weird autoimmune inflammatory thing going on that I'm still trying to resolve, that has left me with a significant facial deformity so...yeah, dating seems ridiculous. it will take awhile to get past the damage done in that relationship, on top of my marriage and divorce; best to just work on healing of all kinds now.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
yes, I remember your situation now! My Pastor once told me that most people don't leave church because of theology etc but usually it's because of other people. The church is a place we want to believe we are safe in but I guess the same broken people that are outside of it are also inside of it. It reminds me something I once read "the church isn't full of hypocrites...there's always room for one more!" I wish you well in your healing
Hypocrisy is probably a significant piece of it. From the handful of folks on the staff who undermined and sabotaged me by withholding important information I needed to do my job, to my xH (now ordained, in spite of his denomination being aware of his serial infidelity), to my long-time friend-turned-romantic-interest who talked about godliness and grace but behaved like a frat boy and used me at my most broken and vulnerable...a lot of damage done. It sort of leaves you wondering what is real, and feeling creeped out when anyone is kind because you wonder what they want from you. I can accept others being broken--what I cannot accept is when they cause damage to others and are then lauded for their dedication and holiness and their victims are reviled. It takes away any safe place of sanctuary and comfort and results in isolation, which is further damaging.
While I am glad I was able to be authentic and vulnerable, I don't know that I will be able to do so in the future.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
It's funny how when crisis comes up, some people cling to their faith and others just lose it. Life is cycles and we all go through periods where our beliefs are challenged and we have to come to terms with that, one way or another. I've found my faith to be an amazing oasis through this change in my life. My last relationship introduced me to a church denomination that has become a huge part of my life. I lost the girl but kept the faith