hoosiermama? I AM!!

[hoosiermama]

hey, thanks whatisis! I appreciate your sharing.

I think it's a pretty common thing to overcompensate in subsequent relationships post-divorce. I kinda think they're exercises in learning about ourselves (in some pretty painful ways!) I was scared I'd fail, too, and so--of course--I did. I had no boundaries at all because I trusted too much, inappropriately, naively. this was someone I'd known since I was 25, felt I knew well, and respected. and I did a lot of fact-checking in public records early on, just to be sure. and so I trusted (and verified) and got blown out of the water anyway. to me, he was a godsend, a soulmate, someone I could share the healing with (his wife left him a month before my husband left me, altho we weren't in touch until about a year later). to him, I was convenient, a bandaid, a placeholder until someone better came along, altho I had no idea at the time. he found somebody "just like me" (but, apparently, better!) and planned to get married...but she broke it off, and somehow it was my fault...that's how nuts it got. (I think I was a scapegoat in a former life!) the marbles thing...yeah, I kept throwing marbles one by one in the jar, he kept taking them out by handfuls...and I couldn't keep up! that analogy makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm still putting my life back together 8 years post-divorce. enormous financial mess takes time to reverse, especially when I couldn't seem to keep a job (aging nurse in a rapidly changing, cannibalistic healthcare market with frequent mass layoffs). spent so much time and energy on survival I couldn't really work on healing. so I'm doing that now. I can't say my life is "good," but it is more stable. for now. I'm doing what I should to become less isolated with friendships. lost my faith completely (and when xH left, I was working fulltime in pastoral ministry, so that has been kinda disorienting), so trying to figure out what's left to believe in, and that's okay. and most of all, reviewing what worked and what didn't, so I can build upon the good stuff. hence the vulnerability reflection.

good to hear from you too.