WAW,still angry, am I indifferent or detached now?

[roist]

It is not overly important that we understand everything in your thinking process. What does matter is that by writing it so that we can understand it has to be clear in your head.

Thank you for sharing.

Best wishes

[JksD]

SH,
I have lurked in your thread but have never posted because you seem to be coping so well.

Your post about evolution set me thinking. For a big part of my M, I was unhappy because the x didn't evolve. He wasn't ready for the responsibilities of M when we got M. He wasn't ready for the responsibilities of parenthood when I got pregnant. He just wasn't ready for this whole idea of being an adult as he had been (and still is) very well taken care of by his family. Prior to BD, I was either suffering from my own little MLC or was suffering from WAW symptoms as well. I was angry and hopeless and resentful.

Ironically, I started coming out of my own fog just before BD because I finally saw signs of evolution from the x. Tbh, the signs had been there for a while but I had been so angry and hopeless for so long that I didn't appreciate them for what they were.

Alas, the x decided to take his chances with the toilet paper because he too had been thinking that I wasn't evolved enough. So, the breakdown of my M is really a Tale of 2 unexpressed expectations/ unnoticed evolutions.

Sorry if I am rambling here but I guess the point I am trying to make is how do we deal with the issue of different evolution timelines.

[Phoebe]

Hi SparrowHawk! I'm sorry that I have yet to get back to my promised rethinking of my own earlier post. First it was that I was busy with family, and now I'm just struggling.

I have been spending time with people, both new and old, though, so I urge you to try to do the same. I am really glad that I've found at least a couple new people that I can talk to who never knew H. It's good to be able to start fresh sometimes. They know what's happened to me, but they also know me as an individual, not just half of a couple. It's good to have a fresh perspective sometimes.

(((((SparrowHawk)))))

Wishing you smiles (pencil and otherwise), and all kinds of other good things. Sleep well, my friend.

[SH_]

SH,
I have lurked in your thread but have never posted because you seem to be coping so well.

I am working on it. The coping that is. Sometimes I feel nervous, and maybe even a bit guilty that I am coping so well. Seeing so many struggle for so long in the stories here, has me questioning why my roller coaster to he// seems so short in comparison. But I will visit this with my IC and see what we uncover.

I do appreciate you lurking and now chiming in. You have shared much good with many others, and your input is very welcomed here. Thank you for your thoughts.

Your post about evolution set me thinking. For a big part of my M, I was unhappy because the x didn't evolve. He wasn't ready for the responsibilities of M when we got M. He wasn't ready for the responsibilities of parenthood when I got pregnant. He just wasn't ready for this whole idea of being an adult as he had been (and still is) very well taken care of by his family. Prior to BD, I was either suffering from my own little MLC or was suffering from WAW symptoms as well. I was angry and hopeless and resentful.

Interesting. You mention a very similar thing that I have experienced. My STBXW wanted many of the adult things, but did not want to put in the adult work. She wanted a baby 6 months after being married, but seemed more interested in only the fun things a baby brings. The attention and cute moments and did I say attention from her family? She even wanted to quit her job and be a SAHM in spite of me being in school and working full time. We barely made ends meet with both of us working. So straight out of the gate she wanted fun, but not the work that went with it.nor the financial responsibility.
She wanted to spend most of our free time at her families house, which got old, but thats what she wanted. And thats what we did.

This went on for our first 4 years of marriage, and then I graduated from school. Immediately she wanted to buy a house. We were in debt, and she got the grand idea to move to another state where housing was more affordable. I was against the idea as it was a place that I had no desire to move to for any reason. She bugged and threatened, and hatched a plan to go and start a job herself and then have me find one and move down. It was a difficult 3 months being a single father for this. Long story short, I got a job. A horrible job, and the whole ordeal basically put me into a depression that led me to withdraw form everything and everyone. It took several years and a job change before I realized what was going on with me.

So I started working on myself, but then she went into a fog. Threatened divorce so frequently that I stopped believing it. Then I had some challenges at work and the pressure from WAW wore me out again and then WAW got pregnant with d5. It came as surprise to both of us, but she blames me for my reaction when she told me. She says I never wanted her and that while WAW was happy, I was angry and only worried about money. I was not angry, simply surprised by the way she hid it, and then called me at work to tell me.
So my long winded point, is that we could not seem to sync up and head in the same direction at the same time.

Ironically, I started coming out of my own fog just before BD because I finally saw signs of evolution from the x. Tbh, the signs had been there for a while but I had been so angry and hopeless for so long that I didn't appreciate them for what they were.

Alas, the x decided to take his chances with the toilet paper because he too had been thinking that I wasn't evolved enough. So, the breakdown of my M is really a Tale of 2 unexpressed expectations/ unnoticed evolutions.

My sitch is just a little bit different, but the end result seems to be the same. I decided enough was enough 3 years ago when d17 needed help physically and mentally due to some things that affected her mental state. I decided that I was going to evolve and stay on track no matter what WAW did. I did it with the faith that by staying the course, that she may see the value and decide to follow the path.
Alas, it only fueled her disdain for me and our MR, and I believe the final straw was when her D17 pushed back on her about all the complaining she apparently did about me.

Sorry if I am rambling here but I guess the point I am trying to make is how do we deal with the issue of different evolution timelines.

I love your "rambling" and I think you ask a great question.

I say this, because as I pondered your question, and re read my musings, I see that I may have made it sound, like I was the good example of evolving, while WAW never even made an attempt. I know in my heart this is not true. Reading your post and question is a little bit more accurate in so much as WAW has made efforts over the years, and I believe even now, she has a desire and may be making some efforts to evolve now, but she and I seemed have cycles that rarely synced up.

So, I don't have an answer to your question of, How do we deal with the issue of different evolution timelines?

But this is a question that I will ponder on, as it is a valuable one that deserves thought and ideas to benefit a MR and the family.

Thank you again JksD for following my story and for your thoughts on my musings.

[SH_]

Phoebe, I look forward to hearing from you each day. I hope your day is better tomorrow with a few more smiles. And I will find another meditation for us. One with fewer curse words and more deep thoughts.

Sleep well tonight.

[SH_]

“Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.” - Dali Lama

Google Abundance project one small positive thought in the morning
Very good message.


It's gonna be a good day everybody!!!

[roist]

I imagine that the reflection you underwent with your daughter the last few years is one key factor in you being better equipped to handle this situation.

[SH_]

I imagine that the reflection you underwent with your daughter the last few years is one key factor in you being better equipped to handle this situation.

Interesting point, and one that i will give merit to.

[Phoebe]

Hello to my dear friend, SparrowHawk. I'm just dropping by on my way to sleep to say hello and wish you a lovely day tomorrow.

I'll catch up on the goings-on tomorrow. I think that maybe I need some time to myself very soon. I am feeling a bit over scheduled lately.

Sleep well! I'm having s hard time keeping my eyes open, and that is without any sleep meds!!! I slept without any last night, too, though I'm back to the early waking.. Ah well.

[SH_]

Short update.
I picked up d5 today. WAW cold as ice, barely makes eye contact. Sad. that is the thought that comes to mind.

I purchased the second car and now d17 will have her own transportation and freedom to enforce boundaries with her mother. I have meant to journal the interactions she has been suffering the past 2 weeks, but alas, time has been short. I hope to do so this week.

Next, find a new place, kick in a strict budget for new items that were ransacked on April 16 now known as "The Great Escape of the wildly angry walk away wife."
Not really, but it makes me chuckle to write that just now.

GAL. Meet new people. Skydive. Motorcycle. Job hunt. Career change. Great dad. rebuild me for getting back in the ring to create strong relationships with good people.
These are the things that will need to take priority for taking back a life that is mine.

May you all find sleep and enjoy peace n the land of dreams.

Sleep is the best meditation - Dalai Lama