Some people try everything to coerce a choice out of her. Her choice is her choice. Influencing it might have been the way the R worked, but for her to take ownership and WANT to be with you, she has to want it, and work on it.
Now, if you're putting on weight, looking like a champ, not a chump, and have made yourself into a man only a fool would leave, you will see her again. Maybe not. Either way, you win! But short-term, it feels like every day is a gut-punch. The victory is in surviving the rounds and getting back up each time.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Your wife is still your wife, betterm. Her brain just fell out - HA!
There is truth in that - the shell is still standing, and you still see her. My ex is now a shell of my former wife. I really don't see a whole lot of what she WAS. She has a right to change. We all need to understand we change over time - that is the only constant.
However, love means sacrificing for each other, but never taking the 1+1 and reducing it down to less than two. I was a psuedo-nice guy. I have a tyrant of an ex, who came to disrespect me since I was the nice guy. I have wants and dreams now, and they are vivid. Find the dreams that might have put in your back pocket. Some aren't worth keeping. Find a few dreams, make a new bucket list, and do a couple. Don't get overwhealmed at it all, and don't keep wishing the old WW is there - exercise your 'singleness' muscle, exercise your 'manliness' muscle, and see what happens!
The D train is happening - the clock is ticking. You can let it have control over you, or you can put it on the shelf, with the other problems you deal with. Don't bury it - the timer is still ticking! - but make sure it's not the wet blanket in your life.
Create a list, a small list - of the 10 things you are most grateful for. Try not to focus on the wife - bring the lens onto you, your birth family, your job, your friends, your local world. Read that for a few days - make a new list - read it for a few days.
DB'ing is a journey to find you again.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Stay strong, betterm. That teary eyed visit and the 'kids' txt are headscratchers to me though. Not sure what she is thinking there. It does sound like she's still connected to you and these are weird attempts to get some kind of reaction.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Trump, I love when you swing by with your 2x4. Your posts last night were extremely helpful, and I really appreciate it. I understand that I need to 'stay out of her mess', and let her work this stuff out on her own. Of course I want kids, and it would've been easy to respond like so, and help "convince her" that I'd be a good future H for her... but that's not the point. She knows I wanted kids at some point, that's NOT why she texted me. I'm trying to "mourn the loss" of my wife's corpse, but haven't been able to cry. I think I've got quite a bit of that out already.
Cil - Same to you (great advice), and you have some great looking purple font. really lightens the mood. Its good to hear someone point out that "you'll know the difference" when it comes time to notice her "bullying tactics" and "conflicted decisions" compared to her actually making the deicision to truly want to change and reconcile. I think this goes overlooked a lot in these forums, and I was pretty confused (while it may never actually happen), on what I should be noticing/looking for in these changes.
cbt - sorry about your reconciliation timeline and the problems it caused... I do hope you can work things out, and I can see how reconciling too soon can only lead to these patterns repeating themselves (because nothing has truly changed in the WW, they probably just decided to "give it one more shot" or something... I'm truly sorry and feel for you. Saying that though, with trumpets advice, my wife died, so I won't be reconciling with corpse at all, that's for sure. If I "reconcile", I'm hoping its with someone else that truly wants to make this marriage work to full potential, and to someone who's not dead.
dood - you've provided great advice since I started on these forums. awesome dood. It's quite funny how when we read these stories that other people are going through, they can put us in a place where we don't even understand what's going on. Most of the time "outside looking in" provides a much clearer view of the big picture, but my corpse wife really threw both of us for a loop on this on HAHA.
qt4 - thx for the support. if you knew my stbx, you'd learn 'headscratchers' is just another part of my M, it's like making coffee in the morning, showers, brushing teeth, walking dogs, and headscratchers due to my stbx's manic behavior. hang in the bud
===== Now that I addressed you all individually for some reason (its morning, I'm drinking coffee, and in a writing mood I guess), A quick update...
My wife's corpse texted me this morning and said "Hey Sorry for the text last night. Glad you didn't respond. Would have caused a texting fight. Again, Sorry."
I wanted to respond, "Np, Just so we are clear though, I'm done fighting with you. There will be no more texting fights. Have a good day"... But I think I'll continue with my 72-hour 'dont say a damn thing to her" window... And I might just carry that 72-hour for two periods and wait until after I speak to my L on Wed before I talk to her at all. -- I took PTO from work today and tomorrow, and I'm actually reconsidering, as I know she comes to the MR house a lot during the day while she thinks I'm working. I pulled out of the garage and parked in driveway so she can at least see I'm here before she opens the garage door. She'll probably u-turn, but I'm still considering finding something to do that's not at teh house for a while... hey, maybe I'll go for a long ride on my new motorcycle! haha. she's going to SH1T when she sees this thing parked in her spot in the garage ... oh my.
dood - you've provided great advice since I started on these forums. awesome dood. It's quite funny how when we read these stories that other people are going through, they can put us in a place where we don't even understand what's going on. Most of the time "outside looking in" provides a much clearer view of the big picture, but my corpse wife really threw both of us for a loop on this on HAHA.
betterm,
I was totally floored by the "kids" comment that you got from your wife. So much so that I said "through" instead of "threw." I can remember, that at the time, I was thinking of "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Rabbit Hole." Just when I think I've got a handle on WS affair fog thinking, I'm given a reality-check.
Anyway, it sounds like you survived and are doing well. Good for you! I hope you have a wonderful day!
I agree with Darkness on this. There is no reason to put a clock on that. Just keep becoming the best you. It will work out best for either way if you do that. Thanks for the kind words about my situation. I do hope things work out as well. But I'm at peace knowing that I can't control that now. I just want to become the man I know I can be
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Time is ticking away until what, exactly? If you were legally divorced right this second, how would your actual life be any different?
Good Point. I came here in hopes to 'save my marriage'. That thought still trickles around in the back of my head from time to time. I guess the only thing "time is ticking away at", is my life in general. We only live once, and the one thing you can always 'count on' in life, is TIME...it's constant.
Not much happening today since W's apology for the text. She called me midday and asked if we could refinance her car since we'll need to do that. I told her if she can get financing to remove me from from the loan, I'd be happy to the sign the papers. She asked if I'd go over there with her since I'll need to be there as I'm the co-signer... I said I was busy, and I don't to be there for her to apply, but if she gets approved we can discuss it then.
She then, a few hours later (around 7pm), texted me and asked "Can I stay at the the house tonight or tomorrow night? By Myself?"
I never responded, but I've been clear with her in the past, that she can stay in this house any time she wishes, but I won't be leaving just so she can stay here. She's welcome here, and we can sleep in the same house together, but I won't be "removed" from my house just so she feels all comfy to stay here for the night without me here.
However, I was planning on going out of town tomorrow night. I'm debating on whether I should tell her that I was planning on leaving anyways, so she can stay there if she wants, or just not tell her anything at all, go dark all day tomorrow, and if she chooses to come over and I happen to not be here, then so be it. thoughts?
Its good to hear someone point out that "you'll know the difference" when it comes time to notice her "bullying tactics" and "conflicted decisions" compared to her actually making the deicision to truly want to change and reconcile. I think this goes overlooked a lot in these forums, and I was pretty confused (while it may never actually happen), on what I should be noticing/looking for in these changes.