I have read many of your posts, but never looked at your signature... I would have guessed many years had passed for you since your D, and this is how you collected so much wisdom. I realized today how recent it was when I read this:
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I had another PTSD episode and down period. And I am super busy. Very little GAL though.
To see you are still in pain, I cried for you. You have done so much for this community, sacrificed so much of your time to help others, maybe that is the gift you were meant to give? Too bad none of us will ever meet you in person, or to let those around you know how much you have done for others.
Thank you
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I have turned a tiny corner in seeing WH as truly responsible for his choices and wanting him gone.
His personality issues should be addressed by him, not me.
Ironic that this is in the same post from you, and also something I wanted to reply to.
What are we supposed to do?
Deal with our own stuff. That's enough for one lifetime. It's a big enough job.
In a crisis we put on our own life jacket first.
Make excuses for them to justify their behavior?
Not our circus, not our monkeys. We hold firm our boundaries, state our boundaries clearly and ensure that we enforce them.
Please Google Al Turtle on boundaries
Or be angry?
Feel your feelings. It's good to observe that anger means a boundary is infringed.
Or both?
Observe
I oscillate between these 2 feelings hundreds of times a day, making me feel like I am turning into a split personality.
This is referred to as cognitive dissonance. Two conflicting beliefs.
Dr Jeckyl in me wants to find W, tell her I forgive her, hold her and comfort her,
Yes I get that.
give her the love her parents never gave her, make her feel safe,
That's not your job. It's her parents and now hers. Your job is as her H not her mother.
let her know I now understand her fragile condition,
OK, validate fine enough. She needs her big girl pants on.
that I'll always be gentle with her from now on (well, I already did that once in a long hand written letter since
This is making her an infant. That's not life and how it behaves. Doing her no favours with this or yourself.
This is work she can only do herself. FOO is a personal burden. Of course we can help to provide an environment for change for another, and they do the work themselves.
Mr. Hyde, wants to hunt her down and do bad things as revenge for the pain she has caused me and my children.
Not your circus or your monkeys. This she will do to herself most likely.
Sounds like this is still a struggle for you also?
Actually no, and few internal conflicts for a long time.
One of the earliest lessons learned here was detachment. I stopped letting xWH actions affect me. I let go of his actions driving my emotions. It was a revelation, I am not responsible for him. I knew this intellectually of course, but the washing machine mind kept my thoughts looping. Each revelation on detachment releases my burdens.
Let's be clear, detachment means not my circus not my monkeys, play in my own sandpit.
Observe.
Detaching isn't unattaching. It is observing and standing. Letting your own emotions including anger guide you. It means letting go of the need to care or exact revenge. Looking after your stuff and that of your children. That is asking enough of yourself and a big enough job. To be a good enough parent for your children is demanding enough, dads can do this, help their children become little independent human children. To become themselves, to know boundaries.
It means fine if waywards work on themselves and fine if they don't.
Letting go of the outcome.
My way of doing this is to move into observer mode. Called position three.
Position one is you Popinion two is the other Position three is the fly on the wall or observer Position four is the spider on the wall watching the fly on the wall
This is detaching in action. You can Google NLP positions. There are lots of resources. If you can learn the observing trick it will really help. It is my go to.
It's a technique
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
