This is so fantastic!! And the fact that she trusted you to tell you that she wanted to ML but just didn't feel up to it, and you ACCEPTED that and told her THANK YOU, I FEEL LOVED for what you DID offer -- those are Words of Affirmation!! You encouraged her and made her feel loved and secure in return.
Words of Affirmation are as simple, but yet as hard for you to notice, as the AOSs. Use them sparringly, just as you use spices, but when you deliver them, do so with honesty and genuiness, like you did last night.
I think I might take some of my own advice and see small things a small signs of success.
After being pretty blunt with my WAW about how her attitudes have hurt me, and her not denying what I said...she called me the morning after without prompting and she called me later that night from work because she said she would.
She kept her promise and I told her how much it meant to me. I'll take a small success each day for the rest of my life.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu
I think that we should keep this thread up high by trying to find "any" good thing. This will help us to recognize (at least once a day) the things that are actually right in our relationships.
My offering is that my W and I had a simply nice day yesterday after all that C and R talk. I enforced a family dinner last night too in which I used all my Gottman communication skills on my W and D5. While the 5 LLs are good, I think my sitch will benefit more from the communication skills.
Also, after reading tim's post, he reminded me that I might have accidently left a plate out (remember what my wife's requirement is...pick up after yourslef). I went down, washed it off and put it into the dishwasher only to notice that it was full of clean dishes. Yeeha, I had an opportunity to do an AOS. She is really recognizing these little things because I've never done them in the past. We'll see if this fills her tank with anything.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
not much time to write...i'm not feeling very good and off to bed for some much needed sleep..away for the weekend again so no replies until monday...
Wife about 3? weeks ago decides that she needs to change rather than losing me...(summary...i had moved out)
after a slow start (ML once per week for 2 weeks), things are getting almost regular..wish i felt better and could enjoy it more...4? times already this week, enough that i've stopped counting...trying not to 'hold her on probation'.
Not sure if she's turned around, or is using her iron willpower to overcome her resistance...but things are good on the sexual front these days.
more details on my emotional status etc next week for those who are wanting all the details
3 hockey games in a week + a trip to Las Vegas with another 3 hockey games, exposure to casino smoke, staying up all night and one night drinking myself to unconciousness all contributed to lower resistance and i caught a nasty cold that i'm still trying to shake. Has my mental and physical energy levels way down. Good news...ML after posting last night and before getting up this morning...W has really gotten into it...actually said she'd miss the sex while i'm gone this weekend..what could be better? Unfortunately i still have other issues with our relationship that i need to address or deal with in some way. Have a good weekend folks!
Correlate the following things and see if you can make sense of it......(this may be too graphic for some, parental discretion advised).
1. Tues I come right out and ask W to "go upstairs" and we had semi-obligation sex.
2. Wed. I act very cool and act like life is great w/o smothering W.
3. I read first part of Passionate Marriage and learned about differentiation which is "in line" with what my W and my instincts are telling me.
4. Thurs. I (unusually) go out for a training ride at noon and tell W that I'm getting it done so I can spend dinner with them so that she can go play bunko with the neighborhood gals.
5. I get back from my ride and despite not having much work to do, I quickly retreat back to my office after giving her a small "peck".
5. She goes out and does what I assume all the LDs do...sit around and play cards (dice in this case) and drink wine.
Now, here we go....
6. She comes home a little bit drunk and gives me a hug and offfers her neck to me. I take her upstairs, she gets into bed with just a tank top and her panties gives me a deep kiss, rolls on to her back, takes her panties off and literally invites me to her "party".
7. I start to (bad habit) go down on her and she grabs my hair, pulls my head up to hers and says in a soft, yet aggressive tone "just f*ck me".
Holy sh!t!!!!!
8. Ironically I just got done reading the "Sexual Potential" part of Passionate Marriage. It focuses on "expression" and "intimacy by "being your self in the moment" and still sharing, yet not catering (note, this book turned all my assumptions upside down).
9. So literally f*cked the bajeezus out of her, nearly sent the headboard through the wall. I had no care if she orgasmed or not but my whole intention was to completely ravish her like big strong man while still maintaining an "aggressive intimacy" and while taking some of the pleasure for myself. Within 5 minutes of hard pounding and grinding, she had an explosive O.
10. In the past, I would have "withdrew myself" prior to O (our irresponsible version of birth control) and dealt with the mess myself. But thanks to honey and PM, I decided to give her the money-shot. When I did, I held her despite the sticky mess between us.
11. We showered off and went to bed.
12. We ran an errand and had breakfast out. I did not even mention last night. When we got home, she thanked me for spending time with her this morning and the she said "I enjoyed spending time with you last night....except maybe for the 'happy ending'". Note, while some of you folks might agree that I went too far, read on.
13. I explained to her that my intention was share something special with her and that in the past (when she was on the pill) it used to allow us to pull closer afterwards instead of pulling away and that's what *I* wanted last night. It was like a light bulb went off in her eyes and she cam up and gave me a huge hug and kiss and said "that was very nice".
14. I asked her if she needed me for anything else today and that if she didn't, I needed to go to work. There is a subtle difference in this exchange (vs my usual routine) in that "I asked her if she needed anything else" prior to taking care of my own stuff. Closeness with Differentiation.
You guys, PM is the real deal if you can make sense of it. My W is giving me some insights into herself that make me realize that she has TONS of sexual energy though she's been fearful to express it...just as I have been fearful to have anything but "sweet, soft and kind" sex with her. Schnarch says that sexual expression can be therapeutic to other aspects of your life. My W is so calm, kind, and reserved, that I've simply assumed that she would desire a similar style of LM. The truth is that she wants to be more "bold" in life and facilitating this exploration in private creates an stronger intimacy and bond. This is ALL in PM. It seems obvious now. And the best part...she didn't even read it and I didn't explain any of it...I just started living it.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
