The Unpleasantness

[qt4x11]

I had my kids last Fri - Mon morning, and today through Friday morning. I’m so glad to see them, but it was as difficult as I thought. I can’t help hugging them and telling them I love them. They fill my heart with joy, but at the same time I’m filled with a deep sadness and regret. They are so innocent. I don’t even have the words to express to them what I want to say. So I just hug and kiss them, and pay a lot of attention to them. On the one hand, this whole situation may wind up bringing us closer in a way - with everything going on and not being able to see them part of the time, I really focus on them when I have the chance. Before when they said - dad watch this youtube video, I would only pay passing attention, now that youtube video is the most important thing I should be paying attention to. I put them to sleep at night and hug them when they’re asleep. I’m dying inside, it’s very hard for me to keep it together. When they are not with me, I see men and couples walking with their kids on the street and am filled with jealousy, because I’m thinking of everything I’ve lost.

Today I have to be around my wife. We are taking the kids to the passport office to renew their passports - both parents have to be there to do this. My wife has requested that she be accompanied by her best friend - apparently I’m a dangerous axe murderer and she is afraid to be around me. This is insulting, ridiculous - but my only reaction when I hear that she wants to bring her friend is - ‘I understand, ok no problem’. Her friend that will be there - it is safe to assume she is not on my side, in fact she has probably gone from being a friend to me to being my greatest detractor. I don’t know how much interaction I will have with my wife or her friend, and I’m bracing myself for putting my best self forward. My goal is - to be positive, cheerful, not bring anything up except what we have to do. If my wife or her friend ask me how I’m doing (this may happen) - I will say ‘I’m hanging in there. I’m just trying to be there to support my family’. And (if an opportunity presents itself for me to say this, I’m doubtful it will due to the terms of our visitation agreement and how it has limited my communication) I will also say this

I don’t blame <wife> for being skeptical of me, but I’m determined to make positive changes regardless of what happens between us, and am interested in being a better person and father.