Some days are better than others

[betterm]

Speaking of which...

...I'm at work too.
Taking half day though, and took PTO for thur-fri this week. My super is a friend, so he knows what I'm going through. told me take as much time as I need, BUT don't miss your deadlines haha.

Averaging about 1700-1800 calories per day of healthy food, and down 19 pounds

Congratulations cbt! I had to change my diet and exercising as well. healthy foods all day everyday, two cheat meals a week. I'm actually enjoying the prep work, cooking, etc (it's kind of therapeutic).

[betterm]

[/quote=betterm] Congratulations cbt![/quote]
ah hem, EDF, sorry about that.

[EDF]

Thanks betterm!

Had some good days and some rough moments. I'm feeling much more confident in myself, and am finding I am doing more of my DB/GAL activities just for me. It started as more of a "what can I do to act happy in front of my wife, so she wants me back" mentality... But keeps becoming more about "what do I need to make myself happy".

Due to our mutual Martial Arts training, we've sorta had forced together time at classes four nights a week. But that will be ending soon as she had decided to stop the classes. Right now I'm focused on the training, but I plan to redouble my efforts at detaching once she's out of the classes.

I don't plan to push for a D, but I feel like we're headed that direction. I don't see her having any chance of getting over OM unless things get more serious and maybe she sees he's still just tossing her relationship scraps. Maybe then. Maybe months or a year-plus of that.

But I read the torment even the piecing LBS' are slogging through, and I find myself wondering more often whether she is worth it. The current Her certainly isn't... I'm no longer interested in simply having the old Her back, and I'm not sure she would be willing to do the work to grow into the kind of person and relationship I'm interested in now.

Trying to still "be the lighthouse", but I'm not sure she's the one I'm trying to guide into harbor anymore.

[betterm]

EDF, that's quite some progress you're making over there. It seems your really taking the DBing to the next level. I know it's hard breaking away from just seeing your WAS on whatever regular basis you can, but it's probably a good thing that you all won't be attending the same MA class 4 nights a week. That should help with detachment for sure.

The light house story is a great inspiration, and you're right to be unsure of what vessels you wish you lure in to your stable place of light... The only vessel you should be focusing on right now is your own. Captain your own ship to the best you can, and let the sails take care of the rest.

[EDF]

Well, I can't sleep so I might as well briefly note tonight's events.

WW and I had a confrontation of sorts. We were lying in bed; I was trying to sleep and she was on her ipad for quite a while lighting up the room and making it difficult for me to fall asleep. I look over and see she is writing a naughty short story.

It's pretty explicit and I figure she's writing it for OM, although I just saw bits and pieces.

I sit there debating internally what to do... got very anxious, fidgeting nervously, felt I needed to do *something* to call her on it, to stand up for myself, whatever.

I ended up telling her I glanced over and saw she was writing another naughty story, and I'm guessing she is writing it for OM. I tell her I am not OK with that - her writing a story for him while lying in bed next to me - and she will have to sleep in the other room. She says 'no', she's staying and I can leave if I want. I
say I'm not leaving.

She starts complaining about me peeking and feeling "she can't trust me and always is worrying I am going to hack her ipad", but says she "has been leaving it out rather than hiding it and trying to trust me". She says the story isn't about him and her, doesn't have any names and is just generic, etc. She tries to make me feel guilty, etc.

I recognize the standard WW tactics, and feel I do a decent job of not caving. We end up having a pretty long conversation. I manage to turn a bunch of her protestations back on her, by telling her to imagine if she was in my shoes, and saw her writing a story like that after she cheated on me, and knowing she had not broken off contact with OM, what would she think?

That turns out to be surprisingly effective. She actually admits that yes she would have thought the same thing. I use that tactic a number of times during our running conversation when she is trying to deflect/etc, and she does actually seem to be picturing things from my perspective when prompted. She still expresses a number of feelings during the conversation, and I try to listen and validate the feelings where it seems reasonable.

I mention a couple times that if the story is that generic, I'm surprised she doesn't just show it to me to prove her point. She defers, she says she could but it's private, she says I'm biased and am going to read into it too much, she says she's worried, I'll judge her writing negatively because I'm better at everything.

She tries telling me she'll "think about it", or offers to read it to me. I tell her I won't make her show it to me, but again use the spiel of how would she feel about that if our roles were reversed and she caught me writing erotica about a woman after getting caught cheating. Would she perhaps think I was trying to edit the story?

She ends up, all teary eyed, giving me the ipad. I read it. It's generic in the sense of no names, but the woman in the story definitely sounds like WW. The man is non-descript. Internally I'm pretty confident it was being written for OM, but other than the soft evidence like all her deflecting there's no smoking gun.

So that thread kinda dies off. I choose to not double-down, but try to not take back my vocalized suspicions either. I reiterate that I'm sure she can understand why I would be concerned at the story after going through everything I have. She vents a bit more, I just listen, it's late and things just kinda peter out. Neither of us are falling asleep. I leave to go for a walk.

I'm conflicted. I feel like overall I handled the situation ok once it was going. But I don't like how I pulled the trigger so fast. The physical symptoms I was having and the strong urge to act... I feel like I wish I would've thought it through/planned more. I feel like I acted from a place of emotion.

The other shitty thing is she's asked me to not come to our upcoming out-of-town Martial Arts event, and claims she will drive separately. I told her I need to be there for the team and I've earned the right to be there and will be going. But it stings. I feel like my reactions were reasonable, but at the same time if she doesn't perform well at the event now she will have an even easier time blaming me for "distracting her". And I don't look forward to spending several days near her under the gaze of the rest of the team if she decides to be an [censored] the whole time and make it super awkward. I wish the timing could have been different.

At this point I guess I just need to return to GAL/DB. Light & Breezy. Focus on helping the team and stay civil/polite to WW as if she was any other random person. I hope she's able to do similar so the weekend isn't a complete fiasco. Sigh.

[EDF]

Then once we're past the event, full speed ahead with detaching more. I reiterated tonight that if we ever both decide to try and build something new, that would include requiring her to break off contact with OM. So regardless of what happens with the event, my longer-term is pretty clear. DB/GAL/Detach hard-core and if she decides to give a [censored] and fight for me before it's too late, she knows one of the action steps.

[sandi2]

When I was in an A, I wrote erotic stories, also. Of course it is for OM!!

You reiterate too much. I see this in many LBH'S..............always reiterating............instead of acting.

She is going to play this game every time you call her hand on anything. She will twist and turn the whole thing to look as if she can't trust you. She is trying to knock the spotlight off herself and shine it on you, b/c she believes you will get so distracted convincing her she can trust you, that her untrustworthiness is forgotten in the long discussion.

You may think she was trying to see herself in your shoes, and perhaps she did for a few minutes...........it just won't stop her the next time she gets ready to contact OM. Talks do not work on a WW.

I have noticed a common trait in most nice-guys who come to the board. They want to work things out by talking it out and trying to get the WW to logically see his point. They talk and talk and talk. But forget any action from this type of LBH, b/c he is paralyzed with fear. He will fall back to his old methods of talking it out. Which, in a healthy MR works...........but not when there is a wayward.

IMO, this should not turn into a discussion. You should set a boundary about NC with OM in the home, or in your presence, ..........or something. Then when she breaks it, apply the consequences. No discussions, no bargaining...........just application.

[EDF]

Yea, there's a ton of truth in what you say.

I do feel I have a lot of action in my GAL, in not initiating conversations and in avoiding 99% of R talks, but when stuff hits the fan I do have a very strong urge to "make sure my position is clear" and I tend to do that via words rather than actions.

I tried to set a consequence of her leaving the MBR, but when she said she wasn't leaving I wasn't sure how to handle it. I don't feel I can really force her out if she doesn't want to leave. I could move her stuff out, and she could move it back in. I almost told her "she could move her stuff into the guest bedroom or I would move it to the front lawn for her", but that felt like it would be too much. Should I fight harder action-wise to get her out of the MBR and hope she yields first?

[doodler]

I tried to set a consequence of her leaving the MBR, but when she said she wasn't leaving I wasn't sure how to handle it. I don't feel I can really force her out if she doesn't want to leave. I could move her stuff out, and she could move it back in. I almost told her "she could move her stuff into the guest bedroom or I would move it to the front lawn for her", but that felt like it would be too much. Should I fight harder action-wise to get her out of the MBR and hope she yields first?

EDF,

Eat two cans of baked beans one hour before going to bed. She'll leave on her own.

[EDF]

Doodler, man of action!