Last night, as I lay awake in bed, I realized a few things.
My life has been centered around wanting/finding a romantic relationship/partnership. It has been the center of all my thoughts including the heartbreak from exNG. And having those being the center of my thoughts leaves me crying most of the time.
I have been having such difficulty shifting my focus elsewhere, but it's the only thing for me to do now. My life had been such a struggle to get it to where it is today. This has been the last missing, maybe one of the most desired pieces that I just can't right. So, I'm letting that part go for now.
I've also decided I am going to quit working on myself for a while. Stop trying to work so hard to improve myself. That might sound dumb, but maybe I just need to sit here and be me for a while and really take some true appreciation in who I am without always trying to "fix" things. So I am just simply going to be.
My "me" time is generally limited to the time after D8 goes to bed, which are my dark and lonely hours and I am trapped in the house. But I have been wanting for a very long time to do some volunteer work. I am going to try to my best to make some time for it. I have also wanted to go hiking, which I cannot do alone, so I wanted to make some time to join a hiking club of some sort (so I don't die and get lost and eaten by a bear. Just enjoy some new activities.
In a few weeks exNG will be going away with his daughter and friends. I know he asked at the last min for his GF and her daughter to come and they aren't keen on it because there is no room. But I am already preparing myself to see pics on FB. I am not friends with him anymore (he refuses to post anything anyways, and gets mad when someone else does) but I am friends on FB with all the friends he is going with. I am having some paranoia of what I might I see. I know one pic of them will break my heart into bits. I know me all too well! So, I am kind of preparing for that. I hope to get to a good enough place it won't affect me too hard.
So that's it. I think I'll step back from posting about myself for a while. I am at a place where I want to post to others, but I have become self-absorbed with this stupid getting over a 6 month R and my quest for love and partnership. I need to just chill for a while, be me, take a hiatus on this self-improvement, inner work for a while, and just live.
