hoosiermama? I AM!!

[hoosiermama]

I'm sharing these thoughts about strength and vulnerability (most are from Brene Brown) for those of you who, like me, feel gutted by the divorce/recovery process, or maybe by subsequent betrayals or failures or abandonments. "Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there."

that was me, post-divorce. gutted, broken open. I had disappeared inside a painful marriage, doing whatever it took to keep the family going. I lost myself. and when, after some time, I entered another relationship, I vowed to be myself, to allow myself to be vulnerable, to show up, to be known, to be imperfect...because at least I'd be authentic, I'd be ME. it was wonderful...until it wasn't. lost the marbles, had my trust betrayed, responded with vulnerability. I'd never done that before, and this time it felt I had no choice--once you're broken open, there you are. and it was the worst pain I'd ever known to be betrayed under the circumstances. shut myself down. pulled inside. isolated myself. kept failing at everything because I DIDN'T FEEL WORTHY OF ANYTHING GOOD. hated myself for my vulnerability, for risking and losing again.

But here's the thing. I'm just starting to understand that, while there are certainly some things I'd do differently (like having the guts and self-esteem to express my wants and needs), being vulnerable, real and authentic was the right thing. He was not, at least not after the first few months. I've been seeing it as my failure--but I didn't fail. I WAS rejected, and I WAS betrayed. But I put it out there, risked being known. But I tried...and I didn't try in my marriage. I shut down years before it ended. in retrospect, it wouldn't have made any difference, and as a narcissist my xH would have used that vulnerability against me. but this time I didn't lose myself. I was rejected, but I didn't reject myself. and somehow I'm beginning to see there's some strength in that.

I don't know that I will risk another relationship; I have had consistently bad experiences, chosen people poorly, and I'm just more interested in peace and healing and building a positive relationship with myself right now. I sure as hell won't do it until I feel I'm worthy of love and belonging...because I don't think I've ever really believed that. if any of this resonates with you, great. if not, indulge me the journaling as part of the recovery process.