In the UK - PT 18 'Dark O'Clock'

[NDY]

Hey Buddy

We all have down days, this is normal. You don't need to be the happy chappie every day. It's how you react to it that's important.

I have my own little technique when I find myself in that place. One of my GAL activities is to lear the guitar. Yip, always wanted to do that. I have this app on my ipad that teaches you hoe to play. It's great. You stick your head phones on and play along to the app and it gives you feedback on how you are doing. My reason for telling you this is that it really eats up your concentration and before you know it not only are your skills improving but hours pass by in a flash and you realise you haven't been thinking about the cluster [self censored] you find yourself in.

Chin up mate, you'll sail through this.

I also agree with the others that I think you're still hanging on waiting for your WW to turn round. Let that one go as well.

Peace friend.

[Huddy]

Morning all.

Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I have a very sore head this morning - self inflicted. I don't know why I felt so down yesterday. It hasn't happened for ages, but I just couldn't shake it off at all. I had the wine because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep without it. I still have those anxiety dreams (actually they are at least twice a week) and I just can't shake it at the minute.

Maybe it's the weather. It's been unusually sunny and warm in chilly old Scotland, and in the past that would have queued a great day out with the kids. Lots of fun, a meal, great times. Instead, it took me ages to actually get motivated off the setee. That's not normal at all. Gyms, being gyms, stink of sweat and seem to filled with blokes posing. I was busy doing my 40 crunchies when some Norbert stands in front of me and starts taking pictures of his muscles! I wanted to jump up and smash him on the nose! The comparison between having a family day out and watching some nobhead taking selfies, in a sweat drenched room, just hurt a bit more.

The blonde on the train was lovely. About my age but I just couldn't be bothered to try and strike up a conversation. I know my heart wouldn't be in it at all. She was looking at me, even smiled when I got off the train and I just didn't respond. Quite a lot of the women I work with comment on how much younger I look and how much weight I've lost. Yeah, it's great to get some compliments, but I don't feel it. Know what I mean?

Let's face it, we're all waiting for a 'turnback' moment. None of our circumstances are particularly unique, it's just the application of the problem that requires individual treatment. Every single one of us has applied the rules and have been scarred. The rules are to protect us mainly, but you can see flashes of the 'solution' presenting itself. I read sandi2's rules every now and again and I am doing everything that I should and I'm applying the rules from the DB book and I see flashes from W. So yeah, I haven't given up hope, but I don't let her twist me around.

Anyway, of to the gym in a bit then I might have a long walk later - it's meant to be nice again!

[Sotto]

"Let's face it, we're all waiting for a 'turnback' moment."

No, I truly don't believe I am any more. I accept that it may never happen and I plan accordingly. If it did ever happen now, it would almost feel like a negative dilemma. Thus far, things have been decided for me and I have just needed to work on acceptance. If that happened, I would need to decide. And in truth I'm not sure if I would want to try again. I'm not sure if the door is truly closed at my end or not, but I'm certainly not waiting for any turn back moment. Cadet posted on another thread that he things many/most WAS's come to regret their choice - but often that is years down the line I think.

Please don't be waiting for a turn back moment in all that time. Work on absolutely releasing this and moving forward 'as if' your M will never be reconciled. Can you accept that outcome? Can you accept that whether life is happy beyond that largely depends on you and not on whether your W turns? None of this means you have to close the door, or date or whatever - only that it is important to let go of this outcome of M reconciliation. When you do, it is freeing and you will feel lighter...

I hope today is a better day....and plenty of time in the longer term for nice blondes on trains!!

xx

[roist]

I have nothing insightful to add to the comments of your DB friends who have already replied.

If believing that reconciliation may not happen is not possible,maybe tell yourself that is is a five year process after which she will come back. Now what are you going to do with the next four years?

A few years back I often had similar dark thoughts.It is not a good place to be. Everyone has down days. Pick yourself back up and treat yourself to a small pleasure today.

Best wishes

[Huddy]

Sotto

Understand where you're coming from, but you're out of limbo land (I know you don't want it, but at least you kind of have an end - don't take that the wrong way!).

Roist

Bummer of a day on Saturday. best to forget and move on.

All

Well, I've had to snoop. I know, before the 2x4's come hurtling my way, but my S brought over his tablet computer today and my W joined Match.com two and a bit weeks ago. One of the tabs was left open (again) so I had a poke around to see what she's up to. So, she's joined but not uploaded any photographs, sent any messages or replied to any of the emails sent to her.

My immediate reaction was to tell her I wanted a D (I'm not going to be able to handle infidelity, right now) when she came over to pick them up, but after a couple of minutes I realised that this was probably another 'rope pulling' exercise to see if I react.

Now, it could be that I'm as thick as a doorstop, or that I really am seeing reality going on, but if you add up the number of 'web pages left open' and other things to try and pull my chain, I really do think she's trying to get that reaction that sandi2 goes on about, where they know if they can carry on playing you, or, realise it's time to stop and think.

Don't know which?

[Sotto]

Hi Huddy, no offence taken at all. And I agree, it is becoming easier to drop the rope now that our D is finalised. I didn't find it easy in the earlier stages either...

I don't always think snooping is a poor idea. It can be helpful to get a feel for where things are at sometimes and that can inform your approach. To me that's Intel...

As for what your W is up to. You seem to be suggesting she would intentionally leave things open in order to pull your chain. That may well not be the case at all and is mind-reading on your part I think. It's entirely possible IMHO that she's carelessly left things open and isn't seeking to provoke a reaction.

I would also guess that she may not see this as infidelity, given your S. For me, I didn't want to be 'married and dating' but many people do date after S.

It does give you a feel for where she's 'at' just now anyway. Whether that is a deal breaker for you is up to you of course. but it's always worth letting a new piece of information settle for a little while before responding in any way.

Hope this helps Huddy and glad you're feeling better than you were at the weekend. Truly, you're doing very well in tough circumstances x

[rd500]

Hi Huddy. That's a hard one because if she's looking for a reaction , what reaction could it be ?

Let's say she's on a dating website , what does that mean ? She lonely and wants company , she's completely over Huddy and is looking for love or is she exploring her single life because she's separated quite a while now

Let's say she's trying to get a reaction from Huddy , what does that mean , she's Lonely and wants Huddy back , she's out to annoy Huddy because she's a bit@h or she's amusing herself

At this stage she doesn't appear to be the sharpest knife in the drawer because she left Huddy and lives in a council flat and seems unhappy. Maybe she's leaving the tabs open because she's not thinking straight or she's thick. ( excuse me I know it's your W ).

You say infidelity is the line in the sand and I respect that BUT until you've walked in those shoes you can't decide

I was with a divorce lawyer today and he was a real no nonsense type of guy. When I told him about OM moving in , he asked dead pan , is it an R or has she latched onto a user / loser for company. I was amazed at his question and asked him if he honestly thought it could just be an EA of sorts even if he's living there and he told me he sees it all the time. It doesn't effect my choices but for a hard nosed dude like him to even consider that took me by surprise

My point is , you love your W and can you honestly say where that love ends ?

Back to the old mantra , it doesn't matter what she doing because you have no control. In the fullness of time you will find out her thinking process about this time in her life and I wouldn't be surprised if it's nothing like you imagine

Just my pennies worth brother

Stay strong because from the outside you are showing amazing strength even if it doesn't always feel like it to you

Take care. Rd

[Huddy]

Thanks guys.

Well, in response to strength etc., I don't feel strong at all, and am having difficulty at the moment. Another firkin nightmare last night and I was so exhausted, I slept in, missed my gym, and was in a foul mood all day. So, to say that you guys see strength means a lot

When she joined, it was the weekend of my S's birthday, and in the week before she called a few times/texted etc. and I replied in a courteous, confident manner; pleasant and welcoming, so maybe it's just lonlliness. Again, I would be second guessing, but at this moment in time, if she was to start dating, I think that is a moment that would have to be a 'you've played me too much - no more'. Maybe that's what she's looking for - again, pure guesswork. Maybe I should start calling myself Sherlock and get myself a magnifying glass and look for more clues!

So she hasn't sent any messages or replied to any of the messages sent to her, or reacted to the 'winks', or posted any photographs, and it looks like she hasn't paid the full fee. That doesn't mean she isn't looking elsewhere. If I was a betting man, I would say her sister put her up to it.

The more I see, the more parallels I can see with sandi2. This is all a bit exhausting at the moment.

[Huddy]

Oh, by the way - no offence taken rd - I know exactly what you mean!

[roist]

Yes maybe sister put her up to setting up the account because she wants to help her out of her miserable situation.

Maybe she is trying to get you to make a move. Maybe maybe maybe. It could mean a lot of things.

But let's just say she did set up the account to try meet someone. Or viewing the lack of activity more likely to take a peek at what is out there. Anyway let's say she is looking. I know several people who have gone on such sites and for the mostpart it shows them moreso that the options are not as great as first imagined. So even if she does date it could actually help her realise maybe the grass was fairly green with you after all.

I think it will drive you crazy to focus on her, what she is doing and trying to figure out why. Assume it isn't logical and you cannot figure it out so use your energy on other stuff.

You are still standing for your M after all this time.Many would have given up. That shows strength of character.

Best wishes.