Blu, your post gives me so much hope. My H has been gone for a little over 5 months - says he's "looking to find what makes him happy". He's starting to come around and we are going to reevaluate our situation at the end of the month. I want him back, and I've learned the past 5 months that I don't need him - just want. How hard was it to trust again? To forgive?
I wrote you a long reply this morning and then it got deleted. So here goes the abridged version.
How hard is it to trust? Oddly, I do trust H. I trust that he won't lie, cheat, and repeat what he did. But do I trust that he will always love me no matter what? Nope, no way, and I will never trust another man in that sense. Quite frankly, I don't want to. That is naive; people are only human and human's make mistakes. I realized in the last couple years that I have had codependent thinking and tendencies since I started dating. (learned that from my mom, thanks mom). It is no way to live.
I am not sure if you read my entire sitch, but I don't think a lot of people would take my H back with what he did. Life had hardships, he had an EA with a friend, then left me for her, and my entire life fell apart. We live in a small town and know the same people. So not only was I heart broken, but humiliated as well.
I was constantly anxious, depressed, and I was watching my kids struggle. I was afraid of losing my house on top of it. It was a complete nightmare and sometimes I don't know how I survived--couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate at work, and had to fake that I was ok for the kids. One of my kids started dangerous activities. All of this happened after a couple years of hardships, death, and family issues, that I was then forced to face on my own. While H and OW acted a fool. This lasted almost a year.
So again, I don't know if most women would even want him back. ... I guess I knew all along that something was terribly wrong and that he would come back around. I knew he was running from life and mainly from himself. Since he has been back (over a year now), he has made many positive changes in himself. He is a recovering Nice Guy, and as difficult as it is for him, he is staying the course. The more time goes on, the more he deeply regrets his choices and all the hurt he has caused. He is constantly learning more about himself and the type of man he wants to be.
So do I trust him? Like I said, I trust he won't lie and cheat, in fact he is still in many ways paying the consequences for that years later. But do I trust that he won't make mistakes and wouldn't hurt me in other ways? NO. But I now feel the same way about every man. The blinders are off.
I don't want to be that woman anymore--the one that needs a man, that one that needs all the romance and to be swept away, the one that finds all her happiness in one other person. Never again. That is my silver lining in this. And I will tell you, it is the best place to be. Because I now have complete control over my life and I now KNOW I will be okay no matter who comes and goes from it.
If H ever cheated again, I would be out. The last couple years have been way too much work to repeat. No thank you. This time I will DB. But not because I will want him back!
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
