Some days are better than others

[doodler]

And now I'm sitting on the couch, reading the DB forum chuckling to myself about some of the crazy things mine and other WS' say and do, and she sits down across from me and starts rubbing her feet against my feet. I just keep reading. She keeps talking. She would share a donut. We should get pizza. She read something funny on the internet.

I think my previous detaching wasn't as good as I wanted to think it was.

EDF,

Yeah, wayward spouses can come up with some of the most ridiculous stuff. Your statement reminded me of when my wife's grandmother was in a special facility for Alzheimer patients. One of the nurses said she'd like to write a book about all of the crazy stuff that goes on with Alzheimer's patients; she was going to title the book "Who Pooped in My Pants?"

I think a similar book could be written about wayward spouses. It could be titled "Who $hit on My Life."

By the way, I don't think detaching is ever really completed until the LBS stops talking about detaching.

[Natus]

And now I'm sitting on the couch, reading the DB forum chuckling to myself about some of the crazy things mine and other WS' say and do, and she sits down across from me and starts rubbing her feet against my feet. I just keep reading. She keeps talking. She would share a donut. We should get pizza. She read something funny on the internet.

I think my previous detaching wasn't as good as I wanted to think it was.

My W does the same thing except the physical bit i.e rubbing feet etc. Truly gets on my nerves

[EDF]

Thanks for the comments guys. Lol at "Who pooped in my pants/Who $hit on my life". That's definitely where my WW is at mentally right now. "Why are all these bad things happening to me that are in no way even remotely tied to my earlier choices/behaviors?"

I'm toying with the idea of picturing my WW as Married to the OM. Like we're just roommates and I see some potential for a future R there, but right now she is in a damaged R with someone else and pretty messed up herself so she's off limits.

If she ends up leaving the other broken R, and doing some work to improve herself, maybe we could see where things go but until then I am just trying to stay friendly from a safe distance to avoid the drama. And wouldn't want to move too quickly and become her rebound.

I think that might help me adopt the proper mental stance.

[sandi2]

I kinda hit my threshold at that that point and broke DB a bit and called her on it.

It REALLY bothers me when people make statements like the one above. What the heck do you think DBing is anyway? Do you see DBing as being a mouse who sits back and allows his WW to continue to rant and spew, while you say, "Yes, Dear,........anything you say, Dear". So standing up like a man who has some guts is breaking DB?

She was still agitated, but backpedaled quite a bit, which was nice for a change... Normally I'm the one trying to backpedal my way out of conflicts

Yeah, well she would back peddle more.....which would continue to be nicer for you, if you stopped allowing her to do this cr@apping stuff. Don't you realize that a woman will act this way to only one kind of man? Figure it out!

[EDF]

I kinda hit my threshold at that that point and broke DB a bit and called her on it.

It REALLY bothers me when people make statements like the one above. What the heck do you think DBing is anyway? Do you see DBing as being a mouse who sits back and allows his WW to continue to rant and spew, while you say, "Yes, Dear,........anything you say, Dear". So standing up like a man who has some guts is breaking DB?

She was still agitated, but backpedaled quite a bit, which was nice for a change... Normally I'm the one trying to backpedal my way out of conflicts

Yeah, well she would back peddle more.....which would continue to be nicer for you, if you stopped allowing her to do this cr@apping stuff. Don't you realize that a woman will act this way to only one kind of man? Figure it out!

Thanks for the 2x4. I think I may be too hung up on trying to validate what she says. I think I struggle with knowing when it is ok to not validate and how to handle it without falling back into my old behavior of getting defensive/trying to change her mind. As I understand it, validation is about recognizing that whatever the person is feeling are their legit feelings and it's important to recognize the validity of their feelings even if I disagree with them.

So, often WW says something that I disagree with, and I try to validate - in my mind to acknowledge that that is what she is feeling, without saying I agree with it, and without trying to correct her "wrong" view point.

It's clear to me that I have to learn to do better here. How do I still recognize the authenticity of her feelings while pointing out what she is saying is one-sided bullshit? Or is that a false dichotomy and I should have handled it completely differently?

Could I ask how you would have handled her statements? This is something I really want to do better at!

[EDF]

Yesterday WW bought her replacement car. I tried to stay as hands-off as possible; didn't go along to the dealer. Responded to a couple direct questions but otherwise bounced it back to her to do stuff like checking on loan rates. Had started contacting her a couple times, writing an email with the "True Market Value" to help her negotiating, or texting her to wish her luck, but I aborted those.

After she bought the car, at night she told me I should call the insurance to get her car switched and figure out coverage. I told her it would probably be better for her to do it since she knows the car and loan details. She said she thinks they already have that info. I said "Great, then it should be a quick call for you!". She was not amused... muttered "thanks for nothing." I tried to handle it how I might a child throwing a tantrum... stayed upbeat and chuckled and said "Oh, you'll handle it fine."

I felt I handled the car situation decent, but it feels so wrong. I get the theory - I know DBing is supposed to be counter-intuitive - but it's hard to fight years of conditioning. My gut feeling when she said "thanks for nothing" was "oh [censored], I went too far". I wanted badly to reverse course... smooth things over... had a strong urge to explain more why it made sense for her to do it, or rationalize why it made more sense for me to just take care of insurance since I always have. Managed to just keep my mouth shut.

Yes, I'm a mouse in a lot of areas. Yes, I'm reading the nice guy book. Every Day Forward.

[doodler]

EDF,

It sounds to me like you're doing a great job. Keep it up!

[sandi2]

I think a similar book could be written about wayward spouses. It could be titled "Who $hit on My Life."

Pretty good title, if a betrayed husband wrote it. If it were written by the WW, herself, she would change the title to "My Husband Sh't on My Life", since she blames everything bad in her life on him.

[betterm]

I like the WW's book, but from the perspective of the LBH
"I sh*t on my wife...again"

[EDF]

Just some more journaling.

Continuing to improve at not snooping, but it's slow. I tend to peek every few days, and I've done good at avoiding snooping when my emotions are high or e.g. I'm at work or going to see friends and need to be focused on that. Those stretches when I am not snooping I really can tell I am more emotionally stable, and more even keel around the WW.

But then there are moments where I will still follow through on the urge to look. I know "don't believe anything she says" applies to her contacts with other people too and it's not really a reliable litmus test of what she's thinking or "whether things are working"... and trying to figure out "whether things are working" is the opposite of being detached. Work in progress.

On the positive front, the nutrition and exercise has been paying off. Averaging about 1700-1800 calories per day of healthy food, and down 19 pounds over the last three months. The last 3 days have been very productive with work, finally. Made some (desperately needed) breakthroughs on a big project and met a critical deadline. My work life has been the slowest area to improve, but it feels good to be productive again. Speaking of which...