Glad you pointed this out. My 2 cents on this one, as its not always touched on here, the difference between the sexes. As a man ... clinging and begging is desperately unattractive and will make the WAW run faster towards her hunky OM who she feels is her everything and a bag of chips. Helping her move out places you in a Beta role (Friendzoned) as she pines for her new Alpha, .... sure being viewed as a friend is better than the Ahole H ... however its not going to win her back in the role of spouse, if you want her as a friend by all means be my guest. This is where you detach, 180, PMA and GAL and by your actions ... not words ... you prove you are the prize, the catch while the OM and A loses its shine. Like you said ... this is where you the LBS "is confident that they can have a happy life without the WS."
CaliGuy,
I'm in agreement with you and I really like that you don't pull any punches.
Thanks for the honest opinion. Honestly, it means a lot. In my sitch, part of what I did wrong was promising to do things, and then backed out or they went on the backburner, never to be done until she complained about it. This is something, along with many others, that I have changed and continue to progress toward.
I'm deep into a 180 and she has noticed, though I know she isn't convinced yet. Quick bullet on WHAT I've been doing:
-becoming more active (lots of working out, dropping weight for muscle) -taking up things I've always wanted to do (riding a motorcycle, awesome btw) -doing things around the house with the need to be asked -NOT pressuring her with R talk whatsoever -Reconnecting with friends that I haven't seen in a while -Generally, being is great mood (this stems from exercising for me) -Allowing myself to feel the pain of the situation, but to not dwell on it -Getting back to playing more music (a great stress reliever) -Going to IC for myself, not for the benefit of the MR -Showing her that I'm not dependant on the R, its a want, not a need The list goes on, but you get the idea.
I am a man of my word, so I will help her move. What she won't expect is me not allowing her access to the house after Saturday. And past that, I will initiate zero contact with her.
She has kept asking about where I go whenever I get home, and finally told her, without being rude, that it's none of her business right now. She was mad and said "I'll never ask what you're doing again", almost like a threat. Not really, it wasn't malicious, but it was kind of like I was suppose to be upset that she doesn't care where I am.
Right now, she is really grasping at straws as to reasons to validate her leaving me. 6 months ago, she most definitely had reasons. Now, there isn't a single one, and I know it is getting to her.
But above all else, the changes I've made to myself, have been FOR myself. And that feels pretty good and I'm confident that whichever way this lands, I'm gonna end up with my feet firmly planted in the ground.
I will have missteps but I will do my best to vent here and keep any resentments/anger/sadness to myself and this forum.
Thanks for the honest opinion. Honestly, it means a lot. In my sitch, part of what I did wrong was promising to do things, and then backed out or they went on the backburner, never to be done until she complained about it. This is something, along with many others, that I have changed and continue to progress toward.
I'm deep into a 180 and she has noticed, though I know she isn't convinced yet. Quick bullet on WHAT I've been doing:
-becoming more active (lots of working out, dropping weight for muscle) -taking up things I've always wanted to do (riding a motorcycle, awesome btw) -doing things around the house with the need to be asked -NOT pressuring her with R talk whatsoever -Reconnecting with friends that I haven't seen in a while -Generally, being is great mood (this stems from exercising for me) -Allowing myself to feel the pain of the situation, but to not dwell on it -Getting back to playing more music (a great stress reliever) -Going to IC for myself, not for the benefit of the MR -Showing her that I'm not dependant on the R, its a want, not a need The list goes on, but you get the idea.
Dig ... this is a solid list, and the best part nothing in it is about your W.
One thing I would recommend ... it truly helped me and has been used here by a few. Make up 3 lists, 10 lines. List #1 is a list of things you like about yourself. List #2, 10 things you do not like about yourself ... careful here, not 10 complaints she has ... 10 things you truly want to change about yourself (maybe losing 10 lbs, not losing your cool as often etc) List #3 10 things you admire in other men. Type this list out/print a couple copies, now that she is almost out of the house place it in a spot you will see it early in the morning. Have another handy .. maybe at work, where ever .. I had reminders on my phone about 2 times a day to review it .... whatever works for you. So once you have the list .... review one thing you like about yourself .. focus on that and practice it that week (do it more) ... now look at list #2, take one and replace it with something from list 3 .... do that for that week ... the next week move to another item on the list and repeat. These things are deeply personal to you, its a way to improve yourself continually.
Example ... I did not care how with all the stuff going on I was becoming quick to get upset, so I circled 'Temper" and began going to church every Sunday, this was for me ... no one else ... one by one I would work on these things, sometimes revisiting ones I felt I needed more effort in, the results amazed me.
Originally Posted By: DigIt
I am a man of my word, so I will help her move. What she won't expect is me not allowing her access to the house after Saturday. And past that, I will initiate zero contact with her.
She has kept asking about where I go whenever I get home, and finally told her, without being rude, that it's none of her business right now. She was mad and said "I'll never ask what you're doing again", almost like a threat. Not really, it wasn't malicious, but it was kind of like I was suppose to be upset that she doesn't care where I am.
Right now, she is really grasping at straws as to reasons to validate her leaving me. 6 months ago, she most definitely had reasons. Now, there isn't a single one, and I know it is getting to her.
But above all else, the changes I've made to myself, have been FOR myself. And that feels pretty good and I'm confident that whichever way this lands, I'm gonna end up with my feet firmly planted in the ground.
I will have missteps but I will do my best to vent here and keep any resentments/anger/sadness to myself and this forum.
If you have commited I get its to late to back out, so try and get through the move with indifference in mind, not happy, not upset .. just a job that needs to be done. This is her choice, you may not agree with it but you can tell her by your actions you respect her decisions. She will have doubts I suspect and will test you throughout .... do not react, if you feel yourself getting to a point you may act out .. take a walk. And you are right ... what you do is no longer her concern, her choices have consequences and you no longer need to answer to her for GAL ... no need to be a jerk just be matter of fact.
Showing her that I'm not dependant on the R, its a want, not a need
How are you showing, or plan to show her, that you are not dependent upon the R?
What about doing things to get brownie points? Have any tendencies there? Walk around on eggshells? Watching her moods, to decide what you do? Do you try to keep her in a good mood?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
How are you showing, or plan to show her, that you are not dependent upon the R?
By becoming more independant. I mean, I already am, but I'm determined to continue on. Not sure she is sold on it yet. Doesn't really matter right now for me. She has already mentioned how good I'm looking from working out. In the past, I would start slacking once people started noticing. Not this time.
Emotionally/intimately, I'm honestly not sure, as she has admitted to having her own problems with that, so not much I can do with a brick wall. I can only make myself better in that department. Over the past 8 months, I have went to great lengths to become a more open, carefree person. And I'm doing it for myself, not to save my current M, but to be emotionally available in any future R/M, with her or anyone else.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
What about doing things to get brownie points? Have any tendencies there? Walk around on eggshells? Watching her moods, to decide what you do? Do you try to keep her in a good mood?
I fully admit that I used to. I used to bend over backward trying to figure out dinners, go grocery shopping, setup any activities, make sure nothing was wrong, eggshell city basically.
When we first split (when I left to go live at my Dads in October), after she changed her mind and wanted me back home, it immediately went back to that. I was trying to convince myself that I was more caring now, but looking back, I got nothing on her end, and I should never have moved back in. But I'm done dwelling on the past, that's another thing I'm changing about myself. Well, trying to
Right now though, I do not care what kind of mood she is in. I am giving her no special treatment. We are still cordial, but what I was doing before (as well as her) was wrong and not the way a marriage is suppose to work. If that's what she thinks, then it'll never work out. But I can't change her, only myself.
Dig ... this is a solid list, and the best part nothing in it is about your W.
One thing I would recommend ... it truly helped me and has been used here by a few. Make up 3 lists, 10 lines. List #1 is a list of things you like about yourself. List #2, 10 things you do not like about yourself ... careful here, not 10 complaints she has ... 10 things you truly want to change about yourself (maybe losing 10 lbs, not losing your cool as often etc) List #3 10 things you admire in other men. Type this list out/print a couple copies, now that she is almost out of the house place it in a spot you will see it early in the morning. Have another handy .. maybe at work, where ever .. I had reminders on my phone about 2 times a day to review it .... whatever works for you. So once you have the list .... review one thing you like about yourself .. focus on that and practice it that week (do it more) ... now look at list #2, take one and replace it with something from list 3 .... do that for that week ... the next week move to another item on the list and repeat. These things are deeply personal to you, its a way to improve yourself continually.
Example ... I did not care how with all the stuff going on I was becoming quick to get upset, so I circled 'Temper" and began going to church every Sunday, this was for me ... no one else ... one by one I would work on these things, sometimes revisiting ones I felt I needed more effort in, the results amazed me.
That's a great idea and definitely something I'll look into. In a weird way, I'm looking forward to her leaving, because this is another step forward. There is nothing that will happen with us being in the same residence right now.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
If you have commited I get its to late to back out, so try and get through the move with indifference in mind, not happy, not upset .. just a job that needs to be done. This is her choice, you may not agree with it but you can tell her by your actions you respect her decisions. She will have doubts I suspect and will test you throughout .... do not react, if you feel yourself getting to a point you may act out .. take a walk. And you are right ... what you do is no longer her concern, her choices have consequences and you no longer need to answer to her for GAL ... no need to be a jerk just be matter of fact.
Exactly, she tried steering the conversation into "you're being weird, and I'm just curious cuz I'm nosy, not cuz I care, bla bla". I wasn't caving, and was as nice as I could be when you're in that situation.
When we first split (when I left to go live at my Dads in October), after she changed her mind and wanted me back home, it immediately went back to that. I was trying to convince myself that I was more caring now, but looking back, I got nothing on her end, and I should never have moved back in. But I'm done dwelling on the past, that's another thing I'm changing about myself. Well, trying to laugh
I am sure glad to hear you see how that doesn't work in a MR. Makes you kind of wonder the real reason she wanted you back in the house, doesn't it? You were the one worry about how to make everything honky-dory for her. Hummmmmm........yes, I could see that be her motive.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When we first split (when I left to go live at my Dads in October), after she changed her mind and wanted me back home, it immediately went back to that. I was trying to convince myself that I was more caring now, but looking back, I got nothing on her end, and I should never have moved back in. But I'm done dwelling on the past, that's another thing I'm changing about myself. Well, trying to laugh
I am sure glad to hear you see how that doesn't work in a MR. Makes you kind of wonder the real reason she wanted you back in the house, doesn't it? You were the one worry about how to make everything honky-dory for her. Hummmmmm........yes, I could see that be her motive.
Quite possibly. At this point though, I'm so checked out of the MR, I almost don't care. And it's confusing because I really believe we can have a good life together. I know she can make a great wife, hence the reason I married her in the first place.
So I'm feeling a bit angry today about everything. I've been working out a lot and I'm taking supplements as well, so I'm sure that might have something to do with it
Anyway, I've made very clear that I do not approve of her staying in touch with her ex (EA guy). "We're just friends" "He knows a lot of people and is helping get my condo together" "He's been over with his wife and kids, I can take pictures if you want"
Not more than 4 months ago, she admitted to having an emotional connection with him, and that some of their contact was not known by his W. Now, all of the sudden, they are just friends, and she doesn't see him in that way. Whether true or not, I see it as a blatant disrespect to me. She doesn't. I guess this is a boundary for me. If she wants to have any contact with this guy, I'm not gonna stand for it.
I'm highly contemplating filing for D myself. I don't want to feel like I'm hanging on while she does whatever she wants. I'm not sure if this right or not.
She sees my being upset by their friendship as me being selfish, and that "its not all about you, y'kno". I'm sorry, but there is obviously something more than friendship here. He tried to pry her away a few years ago. And was RIGHT there, the second we initally split up. And know that she is moving out, there he is again. I'm not ok with this, but I'm torn as to just leave it alone for now, or to be proactive and let her know I won't tolerate this kind of behavior.
