The Unpleasantness

[qt4x11]

These are just random thoughts that I have. I am only writing them down because they are my feelings.

How can someone just walk away from a 10 year marriage with kids - without even bothering to try everything possible to save the marriage?

I feel like she is putting her own pain and anger ahead of the kids’ future, it seems very selfish to me.

For my part, I still feel a huge amount of guilt because I caused this whole situation due to my own selfishness, this feeling of guilt will not go away - even though my brothers and friends are telling me ‘I am doing all the right things and am trying to change so I shouldn’t feel guilty anymore’. I can’t shake these guilty thoughts.

I feel like we are in this situation because of all of the mistakes I’ve made - but I also feel like her reaction to them is unfair. And her reaction is way out of proportion to what actually happened. This is my feeling. Obviously it is not hers. I can’t even express this to her because our communication is now limited.

I am continuing to work on myself - 12 step meetings every day, no lying even about little things (that is my new policy in life). My experience with the first and second steps has helped me to realize how much my addiction has cost me over the years, even before my marriage. All the relationships, jobs and opportunities lost - and this is the worst ever.

I have already spent thousands of dollars on lawyers, therapists, counselors - and now, on DB coaching on this very site. At times I feel like there is no hope, and what I am really spending money on is to have a false sense of hope to get me through this really bad time.

I have to prepare for the worst and be realistic - I have an upcoming meeting with my lawyers. I want to tell them - I can’t just sit around and wait for ’the other shoe to drop’, and I don’t want to just rubber stamp a divorce agreement drafted by her lawyers that is highly favorable to her. I want to work with my lawyers to educate myself, and get ahead of the situation so that I’m in the best position get fair and equal child custody and financial arrangement if this goes south. I have my lawyer meeting Friday about this.

On the other hand - nothing is final yet, although I could have divorce papers on my door tomorrow. And while there is even the tiniest chance - even when the situation seems so bad, and now my family is throwing up their arms and telling me to just accept what is happening. The situation is very delicate - I need to think everything through every thing I do at this time, because if I make a mistake it will affect my family for the rest of our lives. I love my wife and my kids. While I still have time I will do everything I can do, so I will have no regrets. That’s all I can do.