Your insight into your sitch and yourself is beyond impressive; you get it. What you said here really resonated with me!
"Over time, this leads to small, but cumulative repression of your own desires, needs, etc. This causes your partner to lose trust in you because they feel like they are not experiencing your true self. And (and I don't understand this), apparently they lose trust in a man who doesn't have his own purpose in life. Loss of trust leads to loss of respect, leads to loss of attraction, and anger and resentment on their part. I.e., why won't you step up as a man?"
This is what was happening in my M before any A ever started. H put on the perfect Nice Guy face, was present for me and the kids, however he lost his own identity. I recall being frustrated that I didn't understand his needs and opinions. I recall at times losing attraction for him because he didn't have his own hobbies, friendships, or backbone. I recall at times he would do/say things that felt passive aggressive, but I could not quite put my finger on it. He kept working hard to be this great Nice guy, all the while building resentment, and it was incredibly frustrating. He would blame me for not getting his needs met, but often I didn't know what that was. I also didn't know I was being blamed. He would shrug, gasp, even walk away, and I would feel confused because I didn't know what he was thinking. I started to lose respect for him.
Perhaps you are building resentment towards your wife as well? If you are doing so much for her and the family, yet she is turning her back on you and there is no intimacy, how could you not be? No one is simply "selfless" and lives to please others, right? It is something to be aware of. So I think you are doing the right thing by detaching, GAL, 180s, and being a better man for you. That is also what women find attractive. DB is essentially how to recover from Nice Guy issues.
I do NOT however think it's normal for women (especially mothers) to be attracted to men that are selfish, drink too much, lie, cheat, and would rather go out with the guys than spend time with the family. These women that prefer that clearly have their own host of issues! However, I do think women are attracted to men that have a strong sense of who they are--confidence, interests, a strong emotional core, and someone that can add to the relationship, as opposed to being there only to support her. If we want a puppy, we can adopt one.
OFP,
It sounds like you have been burned. I am sorry, that is harsh. I can't imagine your W would just want someone you describe; on some level she must not feel that she deserves better. I think DB is what Nice Guys need. If you can learn and follow the rules, you not only will attract women to you, but you will feel better about yourself as well. I think DB philosophy is inline with recovering from Nice Guy syndrome. It is about truly learning your own value, interests, and strengths.
If your W would rather be with a dirtbag, then quite simply, you will find over time that you don't want someone like that. You deserve a woman that values you and your strong suits. Sometimes our sitches are so strikingly obvious, we can't accept it--because we don't want to.
"Blu, I am curious about the connections to your sitch. You have identified your contribution to issues in the M. I am going to assume you made attempts to keep the marriage healthy/stable before BD. And your H, did he do any work to try, or did he leave with the mentality: This isn't working, I don't need to do "work", I'm done?"
This is hard to answer! I did make attempts to work on the M--I fought blood, sweat, and tears for many months before BD. The problem was, he was in an active EA and I just didn't know it. So it was too late. Our family got complicated with a sequence of losses and extreme hardships over the course of a couple years and I was anxious and depressed. H was present for me and the family and wanted to help and fix all of it. He didn't have any of his own outlets. I didn't know he was silently suffering and building resentment. OW, being the snake that she is, was preying on him and befriending him. She wanted to "rescue" him from his hardships--told him he deserved better, flattered him, opened up to him, and shared her own unhappiness in her M with him.
I did not know this was happening, but I felt a growing distance. He still came home every night for dinner and put me and the kids first. So when I found out about the EA, everything blew up and I was so angry and upset. He felt that he had ruined the M at this point and just gave up--he felt I would never forgive him and it wouldn't work. Of course OW was right there pursuing and waiting. So he ran. That doesn't surprise me now. This was another way for him to avoid looking at himself and he rewrote history "W makes my unhappy and doesn't appreciate me." This is how he justified the A.
We (DBers) all know that no one can make us happy or make us unhappy. Happiness comes from within. I think that is the biggest silver lining for all of us here. We are forced to get it and can no longer skate through life pointing fingers at others. We are now empowered to take responsibility for our own happiness. This is the key right here.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
