Why do I find myself so drawn to your thread :-) Perhaps because your sitch is unfolding right before our eyes better than any tv drama, you are an example of how DB can work, or maybe it's because you remind me so much of myself---you keep screwing up, acting on emotions, but then quickly learn that doesn't work and then swing too far in the other direction. It's as if you are the perfect example of what to do and also what not to do. I say this with nothing but love.
It has taken me a long time to stay in the center and not keep swinging back and forth. One of the things that has helped me, is to take some of the pressure off in terms of wanting to see and feel immediate results. Think about it, you want this M to work--that is your entire focus right now--and so you are working hard to make it work and working equally as hard to analyze the signs--mainly her actions--so you can gauge if it IS working. Really, really think about that--all emotions aside--isn't that a lot of pressure to put on two people? What I am saying is that I don't think you can measure success day by day, but only slowly over time. Taking the pressure off will also allow things to unfold more naturally. Can you really "force" people to have feelings of love and attraction?
I know most folks on the board feel envious that she has come back around so quickly and you are piecing. We are all happy for you! However, that does not mean that your gratefulness should overshadow your feelings of hurt and anger about what happened. Those feelings do need to be felt, processed, and then gently put aside so the healing can begin. There are also some issues in the M that got you here in the first place. Again, all of this takes time to work through and come to accept.
This is where patience and grit come into play. If you can slowly and steadily adopt this into your life, things hopefully will fall into place over time. So perhaps instead of putting so much pressure on yourself to make this M work, change your attitude to that of slowly allowing yourself to accept and work on what happened, sans measuring any results right now. If this helps you get off the emotional roller coaster, that also will give your M a much better chance of moving forward in a better, healthier way. Think about it, if you can stop acting on emotions, learn to forgive her, and then begin to trust her and genuinely want to feel close with her, isn't that the kind of M you want in life?
More importantly, the silver lining in ALL of this mess, is that you, Coconut, can do some soul searching and become the man you have always wanted to be--this sitch has made you more vulnerable than ever and is forcing you to look deep down within and be a better man. Maybe you would have never had to do that without this. Just a thought.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
