WAS or what 7

[roist]

There seemed to be a change happening in my situation,iinme , in W or all if the above. It is subtle and I cannot even determine if it is good or bad.

For my part, I am pretty Ok. But my thoughts are not clear do hopefully by typing here I will get some clarity.

One evening last week I overreacted (internally)
to a negative interaction with W. I am sure my reaction was more due to me than her behaviour. We were at the table with our boys and I felt I was going to explode. I didn't want to be there, not like this. This built and built. I was beyond angry. I needed to get out of there. But I refused to give into an irrational feeling. Straight after putting my son to bed while W was putting other son to bed I went to the basement and exercised through it. It was either that or go somewhere in the car. I still don't understand what happened but maybe it had to do with me rereading all my threads.

This moment was very isolated and I rarely felt so strongly.It was definitely a FLIGHT reaction. In that moment I wanted out of there ad fast as possiblej However that is not representative of how I feel in general.


That moment made me realise that I had become too comfortable in our situation. I could not leave if I really wanted to. I have not taken the steps necessary to be able to do that.I am talking practical and financial stuff. I think that mentally and emotionally I could cope if W left tomorrow. And that c ould happen. I don't think it will but she could. I am not going to work towards that eventuality but I want to be better prepared.

When we are alone I often have something to do though I balance my availability. When I am available and interactions are poor I go do something else.

In the last week there has been more good conversation than in a long time. I appreciate this. It is nice. I am even getting chances to validate,though nowhere close to R talk . We are having good interaction, she is engaged, with good eye contact and smiles etc. In my head I am WOW what is that about? BUT whilst appreciating it, I am thinking it is no big deal if we can talk good. But it is a big deal. It just isn't enough for me. Earlier this would have been a huge step forward.

I appreciate having my W and everything she does. I appreciate going to bed with her every night. I appreciate the few quick kisses each day +good morning, good night, goodbye and hello). I appreciate the physical contact when we watch TV on couch or read in bed. Yes maybe these are crumbs or the last strands by which my M stands. My situation is going to be long so I appreciate this much.... without selling myself short for settling for this.

I have not explained myself fully but that will have to do for now.

I have run out of time.So i'll just mention my W briefly. My w started wearing a ring on the wedding finger more often. I think she should wear one all the time but I guess that is not a boundary I can implement at this stage. But it will be brought up if we ever get to work on this together.

She has also refound motivation for projects around the house, which is good.

I could be wrong but it seems that she either puts on the ring(show to others) or she is open to conversation (show to me) but doesn't do both at once! I observe the goods signs. Appreciate them even. But I guess I am past signs. It will take more.

One last thing before I go. Recently I bought a book about parenting it is for me and a parenting style that resonates with me. It is a great opportunity to discuss something that is important to both of us. BUTi have held back doing so. I don't understand why. At least it shows that I got the book for ME and not to prove to her I am trying to improve. It is curious that I have not used an obvious occasion to discuss something important.I need to reflect on my reasons for this further.

Congratulations to anyone who read all of that. Thanks for stopping by.