Showed weakness today and spoke to my sister in law and it has scrambled my head again. I'm also scared what message might get back to my W, I'm absolutely gutted with myself.
I ask, because as I went back over your story I see an overwhelming amount of rumination and only a small bit of action to focus and heal yourself.
Please take my advice and obtain the knowledge you need to start taking action. The longer you wait the more difficult things will get and the less opportunity you will have to get to a place that you desire.
I have shared many ideas for information and hope that you can learn form it, but ultimately you need to take action.
Those that take action will still go through the pain and challenges, but they come out the other side stronger an typically in a shorter amount of time. Those that ruminate and continue to do the things that led to this situation tend to drag out the process.......
Which path will you choose?
You have support here. You have us cheering you on. You have a support group going through similar challenges. Now my friend, lets hear some things from you that you are doing to take care of yourself, to heal, to progress forward, if even a baby step at a time. What is you plan today to experience a moment of joy and peace that is about you?
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I saw the W this morning but she didn't see me, my heart broke all over again. I would give anything to talk to her and hold her again.
We're here to help, we all needed help in the past, and many have been in your shoes before, so don't panic.
When my WW and I first started our structured separation, I would purposely leave work early in order to make it home before she had to leave, just to see her for a few minutes in passing. I would take routes that were out of my way in hopes of passing her on the road, just to get a glimpse. I would see her car parked at a restaurant and have my brother meet me there "coincidentally". There are many other "things" I did, some much more shameful than others. But people do crazy things when the person they love most is slipping away. But let me just say... None of these actions EVER had a lasting positive impact, and ALMOST ALWAYS backfired!
Originally Posted By: SH_
KyleR, have you obtained DR yet?
Which path will you choose?
What is you plan today to experience a moment of joy and peace that is about you?
Please look at SH's post here, you need to get a copy of the DR book, and you need to start reading all the material you can about LBS, WAW, WW, etc. You're going to make the same mistakes that many of the rest of us have done. The quicker you obtain the knowledge needed to better equip yourself, the quicker you can put that knowledge into a plan and take action that can make a difference.
I'm going obtain a copy tonight as I have been in complete self destruct mode today. I've reached out to people I absolutely should have and let my thoughts run wild. I've really set myself back today.
When reading the book, be sure you pay particular attention to "who" the advice is directed.
IMHO, the book's overall message is to tell the reader that divorce is not the remedy to the problems in the MR.
Also notice where MWD will state that the advice is for the couple where both spouses are willing to save the M. I think many people overlook that point. All in all, the book should be encouraging and a great backup source to look at what you need to do.
If you have not read the links in Cadet's homework, you are missing a hunk of advice and "how-to".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have read Cadet's homework but sometimes I have a rush of blood to the head and it all goes out the window. I'm annoyed with myself because I know exactly what triggered it but still went and ahead and done all the things I shouldn't.
Sandi is right (go figure, right?) jk! The book is a good informational dump on why and how a marriage should work, ways to enhance it, etc. There are a few small sections that relate directly to MR that is already in crisis. But it is worth the read.
When Cadet posted the 'homework' in my first thread. I was a little overwhelmed and confused on which way to go. That 'homework' was crucial, and even more important that reading the DR book.
Sandi's rules, Validation, the LBS threads... One of the places I kind of screwed up (and didn't read), were some of sandi's posts on being a "doormat". A lot of times LBS Will Do Anything! for their spouses to come back and commit to the MR. However, I will warn against this, as I had to dig myself out of a hole or two when I became "doormat" material for my WW. It's easier to stop these things early on, than to let them happen, and have to claw your way out later.
Read the Homework, read other peoples threads, literally bury yourself in this as much as you can, but don't get stuck in information overload mode. Get the Knowledge you need (some people get stuck in this phase), but more importantly, find out how that knowledge relates directly to you and your sitch, and make a plan. Once you have a plan... take action and don't let fear/emotions change that plan.
I have read Cadet's homework but sometimes I have a rush of blood to the head and it all goes out the window.
Thats OK. It will mean different things to you as you read it repeatedly. The difference in what you can glean from some of the links at 1 week, 1 month, and 1 year is astonishing.
Originally Posted By: KyleR
I'm annoyed with myself because I know exactly what triggered it but still went and ahead and done all the things I shouldn't.
Nobody's perfect. Take what happened and learn from it so you wont do it again. Sometimes it takes people 2 or 4 or 27 times touching the stove to learn that it burns.
I have read Cadet's homework but sometimes I have a rush of blood to the head and it all goes out the window. I'm annoyed with myself because I know exactly what triggered it but still went and ahead and done all the things I shouldn't.
If you haven't done so yet... I'd like to recommend start writing! It's only a suggestion, so up to you... But there is something about putting pen to paper that provides a deeper connection, a deeper meaning, deeper understanding, to the letters and words as opposed to just reading, or typing things out.
It also forces us to slooooow doooown. I don't know about you, but I have a tendency to put my DIY pants on and aggressively attack everything as fast as possible when I know things are needed repaired. This works when you're working on a car, cleaning house, and things of that nature... But when trying to gain an understand and transform yourself into something better... aggressive, fast pace action is the opposite of what we want.
