Hello all, just an update on how things are going.
S18 is doing fine. I think the doctor diagnose well and it seems that because his bleeding disorder, his blood pressure and his heart beat went down too fast and too low and he faint. The body moving like seizure was explained that he had syncope what is quite the same but for different reasons. So, no more scare and things seems to be good now.
S21 is getting better every day and the PTSD treatment is working good. His confidence is yet to be improved, but I guess it is one thing at a time and I am glad it has been positive. Four years of wrong diagnose and a year to detox from wrong medications took a tool on him.
S16 is absorbed in football and is excited to work out and get his body ready for the coming season. He is looking very handsome.
Besides all working in a positive way, I can see the struggle of having a father that is good, loving and is distant, disconnect all in the same time. Confusing... it is the least of the feelings, what they are living and feeling are wounds that will stay forever there. Shame on all this.
About me, this is another story. I have it all at once and yet need to be standing. It has been hard to be the captain, but I have been taking one day at a time. Measuring my patience, saying more loving words, hugging my kids very often. Caring for them in a loving way. Being understanding without criticism.
The road was long but I learned so much through pain. I let things go more easily then ever in my life. If the dishes are not done because I need to sit down and see some zombie movie with boys, so be it. No one will die because dirty dishes at the sink.
My perfectionism became peace, love, compassion. My criticism became encouragement, friendship and caring. I am a different person and it is now becoming my core.
I never tough it could be possible for someone so black and white, the lawyer spirit would become so flexible and care free.
But I have been doing a lot of soul searching on myself. My faith is a big part of my transformation, because as a believer, I decide to look inside myself and clean all the hypocrisy I have been caring for many years.
I never been a bad person, but I was fake. In many ways I believed to be doing the write things and yet I see now that I was just postponing to face my own flaws.
I decided to love with the meaning of love. Decided to let go on foolish titles, stupid values imposed from people that are not even among us anymore. I decided to have my own values, and live life the way I can and know better.
All my decisions and changes are not related to someone in my life. Maybe if and when it comes to that I will need to review those kind of feelings, but for now I am glad I can have my soul naked and still feel beauty on it.
There are so much I understand now, that I could not understand before. So, it still stands that the worst that happen to me is yet the best that happen to me. Odd, but true.
Regarding XH, he is still oblivious or at least try to pretend it. Some of our common friends have been saying to me that I need to be patient because he is still very lost and his financial situation do not seem to help much. A friend of mine that talked to him quite a bit during the grad party said that have ways to go until he start seeing himself as a person again.
She said that she picture him loving me to death in one minute and hating me with all his heart the next.
The way I see it, he keeps himself away from me and is coming around less and less. He treats me a just the mother of his kids and as he says a friend and ex wife.
I do not have much hope no more. He is moving to a farther away place, he is going to live with a guy from his work and this guy is also divorced and has his kids over every other weekend.
I think this will drive XH into another direction and will give him a little more room to explore his options with some more freedom. It hurts to think this way, but it is the truth and I need to accept it as it is.
He moved on, and I didn't. I wish I can manage to move myself on too. I don't know when I will be ready. I am just sure I am not ready to see XH with a girlfriend, but I need to think that it is a true possibility. And it still kills me inside on just thinking about.
Well, I have a lot to do in the next two months and need to get busy. Somehow I get busy and I can then deal with this horrible pain inside my heart.
Funny how I became a shopping mall with many different stores on it.
Thank you Sotto, Job, NGal, citizen, Esame and RD500. I have no idea were I would be without your support and loving words. It is what keeps me going.
