What Should I be doing (5)

[Coconut]

Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2681388&page=1

Current status - Piecing, I keep lashing out due to anger, jealousy, you name it. I outed W A to the fire station, it really hurt her, yet she forgave me.. I need to stop reacting to her actions, or my perception of her actions.

[Coconut]

That's the key thing -- no matter what she does, there's nothing you can do about it. Asking her about it only made her feel:

-- mistrusted
-- under the microscope
-- responsible for your happiness

All of those are kryptonite for romantic attraction.

If you then have an R discussion late at night, nothing good will come of it as you've seen. There is nothing worse than wanting to end a conversation and have the other person continue to push and push. It makes you feel trapped and anxious.

Saying that you're going to move out and then not doing it is extremely confusing. She now doesn't know what to expect from you. She may assume that you were threatening her, or that she's a failure, or you're trying to punish her. If you do decide to move out, I think you want to be clear about the reasons why and explain them to her in a calm and rational way.

You will continue to be triggered -- things will come up over and over again that will trigger you.

If you react to those triggers, even later, it's going to come across as an accusation.

That will then kill romantic attraction, you'll feel worse, and because you feel worse you'll be even more vigilant for triggers and around the wheel you go -- stuck and trapped.

The way to overcome triggers, as I'm sure you've found, is to feel 100% confident about your own contribution to the household and the relationship, and to feel that she would be a fool to leave you.

If you feel that way, then if she cheats or leaves it's because she's a fool, and not a negative reflection on you, or a statement that you're not worthy.

So here you are stuck -- you feel that your wife is not romantically attracted to you. That makes you feel guilty for your role in things, inadequate due to her perceived rejection, angry about the rejection, and resentful because on some level you feel that she owes you some support and affection as your wife and is withholding it for no good reason when she could so easily give it to you.

That "cocktail" of emotions is completely normal and understandable in your situation, but is also toxic to your relationship, and like a volcano will lead to earthquakes and eruptions that may feel beyond your ability to control.

That is why I question if "fixing this" is possible under the same roof.

People can't love you until you love yourself. You have to love yourself not only in general, but also in the context of this relationship, and right now you don't.

Living under the oppression of withheld affection makes it extremely difficult to love yourself.

I think getting some time apart may actually be a very good thing for you in the near term, provided you communicate what you're doing with compassion and care, and not even a hint of punishment or anger.

There is a book called "Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage"

May be worth reading up on it just to understand it better as an option. You may need to "let your wine breathe" as they say rather than remaining under the cork.

Acc

I need this at the start of my thread... Accuray was talking to CBT, but described me to a tee... I hope you don't mind me bringing it here, I need to read this everyday.

On a side note, I started rubbing my W this morning when alarm went off, nothing sexual, back, legs, stomach, etc... Just felt nice, and I got a kiss out of it

I really feel like she wants to move forward, I would be so much better off if I could just stop reacting to triggers.

[RSG]

Keep in mind: You're lucky. You're in the situation where your life and family can be recovered. Don't want to be a jerk, but I'd love to be there. Of course, my 3rd week just began whereas you're going on months.

Controlling emotions isn't easy. Especially negative ones. I want to really run my W through the ringer today, but am fighting not to. I short and curt, with obvious reason, but I haven't said the things I REALLY want to.

Keep working. You can do it!!

[PacLove]

Yes consider yourself one of the lucky ones on here where your W is engaging... the more time goes on the more my W is disengaging from the M and the more I'm disengaging... painful very painful. I feel angry, sad and frustrated but I know if she were to want back in, I'd take her with open arms and try my best to repress as much of those feelings as possible to try and make things work!

Keep at it, M is worth fighting for!

[Coconut]

There is no question I'm in a good spot, I don't question that, but by no means do I feel like I'm completely safe. I think the best thing I did, was I noticed the changes in my W behavior very quickly, and caught the A in just a few weeks, woulda been sooner but I couldn't access the app she was communicating in...

Plus the W and I really had an amazing first 6 years of marriage, I checked out the last two years, but my 180s (before I knew what they were) that I started day 1 of ILYBNILWY speech, which was before the A started, plays a lot into it. She has said several times that I now remind her of the man she fell in love with.

I am praying for you both, it is a tough road to go down, even still I still get tore up inside, but we will all come out better in the end. If nothing else, this process teaches us to be true to ourselves and appreciate what we have in our lives.

[cbtdad]

Cnut! I'm completely ok with you bringing ACC words of wisdom here
He is very knowledgable and has a lot of insight. He helped me a lot during my first time around here.
It's definitely good you caught the A early. My W was involved for 8 months
The EA lasted a couple months before the PA took place. Then she hit me with the divorce a 2 weeks after that. She filed first then told me. Where I lived at the time you had to be physically separated for 12 months before you could divorce.
Had that not been the case we would have divorced.
The reason being is that I had checked out of my marriage for a couple years
That's why I took some ownership in leaving my W vulnerable to an affair that time around
This time around I want to be just like Acc talks about
Only a fool would cheat or leave
I've decided when I start thinking a lot snooping now what good would it do
What does it change? Like you said "an app"
With so much technology now if my W wants to have an A and hide it she could very easily. So why snoop?
It doesn't make me feel better. So I'm just controlling what I can
Cnut, your W wants you! She wants it to work by the actions she is doing
Remember that!

[Coconut]

Cnut, your W wants you! She wants it to work by the actions she is doing
Remember that!

👍

I don't have a like button so this is the best I can do. Thanks CBT, I needed that, I want to live that.

[betterm]

I'm reading some of this past thread... wow. The hard work isn't over yet though, probably hasn't even begun... but like many have said on here, most of us would kill to have our WW even show interest in considering to work on the M. you've done well so far, Cnut! keep it up and reap your rewards!

If you had to put an asterisk to your most influential 180, what would it be?

[Coconut]

I'm reading some of this past thread... wow. The hard work isn't over yet though, probably hasn't even begun... but like many have said on here, most of us would kill to have our WW even show interest in considering to work on the M. you've done well so far, Cnut! keep it up and reap your rewards!

If you had to put an asterisk to your most influential 180, what would it be?

Ok, that's a tough question, hard to pick one, but I'll give you the ones I believe had the most impact in order:

1. * Rekindle R with son... W stated a few times first drawn to me because I was great with her son when first dating, getting close to him again included getting of the couch (her biggest complaint), I started playing basketball with him, working out with him, and just focusing on him.. He now has his first girlfriend ever (2 weeks running) and it's been a blast talking him through things.

2. Making the bed daily... It's the only 180 she has asked me about. She asked why I was doing it about a week after I found out about EA, I told her I didn't like who I had become and the little things made me feel good.

3. Wearing body spray and cologne at all times... She didn't mention it, but I was running low on the body spray and she bought me a new one without me asking.

4. GAL... I go out when she's at fire academy, and she's frequently inquiring about where I went, if I met any interesting people, and that she's glad I'm enjoying it and even the little outings keep me off the couch.

[BluWave]

C-nut,

Why do I find myself so drawn to your thread :-) Perhaps because your sitch is unfolding right before our eyes better than any tv drama, you are an example of how DB can work, or maybe it's because you remind me so much of myself---you keep screwing up, acting on emotions, but then quickly learn that doesn't work and then swing too far in the other direction. It's as if you are the perfect example of what to do and also what not to do. I say this with nothing but love.

It has taken me a long time to stay in the center and not keep swinging back and forth. One of the things that has helped me, is to take some of the pressure off in terms of wanting to see and feel immediate results. Think about it, you want this M to work--that is your entire focus right now--and so you are working hard to make it work and working equally as hard to analyze the signs--mainly her actions--so you can gauge if it IS working. Really, really think about that--all emotions aside--isn't that a lot of pressure to put on two people? What I am saying is that I don't think you can measure success day by day, but only slowly over time. Taking the pressure off will also allow things to unfold more naturally. Can you really "force" people to have feelings of love and attraction?

I know most folks on the board feel envious that she has come back around so quickly and you are piecing. We are all happy for you! However, that does not mean that your gratefulness should overshadow your feelings of hurt and anger about what happened. Those feelings do need to be felt, processed, and then gently put aside so the healing can begin. There are also some issues in the M that got you here in the first place. Again, all of this takes time to work through and come to accept.

This is where patience and grit come into play. If you can slowly and steadily adopt this into your life, things hopefully will fall into place over time. So perhaps instead of putting so much pressure on yourself to make this M work, change your attitude to that of slowly allowing yourself to accept and work on what happened, sans measuring any results right now. If this helps you get off the emotional roller coaster, that also will give your M a much better chance of moving forward in a better, healthier way. Think about it, if you can stop acting on emotions, learn to forgive her, and then begin to trust her and genuinely want to feel close with her, isn't that the kind of M you want in life?

More importantly, the silver lining in ALL of this mess, is that you, Coconut, can do some soul searching and become the man you have always wanted to be--this sitch has made you more vulnerable than ever and is forcing you to look deep down within and be a better man. Maybe you would have never had to do that without this. Just a thought.

-Blu