Here's where I'm at now: very nearly 8 months since H ran away and since the last time I actually talked to him; literally only a couple of texts from him in that time (when he needed things from the house); cleared all his possessions from the house early March.
Lots and lots of people are commenting on how much more relaxed I look and sound. I am definitely feeling a great sense of peace and calm...one that I haven't felt for a very long time (many years).
I've been reading about infidelity and trauma, and in particular the way that cheaters manipulate their spouses to deny their questions and fears and doubts to ultimately maintain control of the cheating situation.
If I think back over the past few year, I can think of lots land lots of those kinds of instances, where I expressed a doubt over someone, or questioned a situation, and it was flat out denied by my H, or even just ignored completely, in spite of my upset and repeated requests for clarification.
The two worst ones (two of the most upsetting ones for me) were:
* there was a woman (a work colleague) that became obsessed H after working together, and ended up stalking him for almost a year. This was back in 2009. I knew straight away, even before I met her, that there was something not quite right about her. The vibe I was getting from her was way too intense. Anyway, I bought this up a number of times over a good few months and my H ignored me. She got more and more intense in her attentions (the way she was speaking to him, it was like they were a romantic couple). He ignored me about it for the full ten months she was in our life and the whole experience it was utterly horrendous for me.
* OW1 June 2012. When I found out, he was working at the other side of the world. I called his hotel to try and speak to him about it. I was obviously very upset and looking for an explanation. He refused to talk to me. I think he also cut me off a number of times on the phone, so I had to call back.
After he got back home, he became very ill and had to get taken into hospital. Doctors finally diagnosed reactive arthritis. Not that long ago, I decided to google the causes, by chance and found that it has two possible causes: food poisoning or chlamydia.
He didn't tell me that he was being tested for chlamydia at the time, I found out a few weeks later, on reading some piece of medical paperwork he had home with him. I found it by chance. I asked him about it and he just brushed it off and didn't give me an explanation.
Those were a couple of the worst, but I had six years of this kind of thing.
Dunno. Not angry, just very sad I guess. Definitely not depressed about it, and not sorrowful either. More like a resigned, slightly heavy, sadness.
I struggled for so long taking my H's word for everything, trying to do my best, be supportive of him and his choices, take on everything he was saying and the criticisms that he eventually he was making of me (these were going for on for a couple of years before he left in October).
Now I'm reframing everything from my perspective. There is no anger or vitriol or vindictiveness, just more of a making my own version of events of the past five, six, seven years.
And a heavy sadness at the shattering of the illusions I had about what I thought M meant. I remember talking about this with my IC a while back. 'What's the point in getting married then? Why not just 'go out' with someone?' I remember asking her when we were talking about my H's actions, his change of heart regarding our M, and our clearly differing views about commitment. It's the one question I asked that she didn't have anything to say back to me.
I still don't have an answer for that. At the moment, all it seems to do is complicate resolving an apparently endless stream of practical issues. And jeez, for you guys with kids out there, I have no idea how you cope. I am *full* of admiration for you guys.
I know that I'm still very much in the middle of a whole process, I can definitely feel it. And there is no easy, quick way out. The only path is right through it all, through all the feelings and the roller coaster.
I think when you stand right back from it all, the feeling that I'm left with is that I'm worth so much more than this. I'm worth so much more than the way I've been treated by my H, for all these years.
All of that really sapped away at my already quite low levels of self esteem. And weirdly, all of this that's happened since October has ultimately done the opposite. Isn't life strange?
Actually, I think my H's waywardness might go back further still, beyond 2009.
I remember that he was working on a very particular project in early 2007 (which is why I know the date and the year of this).
I remember meeting all of the colleagues he was working with one evening. Up to that point, whenever I met people he w as working with they'd be like 'I'm so glad to meet you, I've heard so much about you'.
One this particular project, this one night, one girl gave me the weirdest handshake I've ever had from one of his colleagues. I knew instantly there was something up with her and she liked him.
Anyway, fast forward a few weeks, and H texts me to let me know he's on his way home from a night out one evening. I wait up for him. Nothing, he doesn't appear for an hour, when he had only been 15 minutes walk away I try and call, but his phone is permanently engaged. I try to text him, no answer.
For some reason, I walk to the front window and look out. He's sitting in his car,chatting on his phone.
When he gets back upstairs to our house, I ask him why he was in the car and who he was chatting to.
It was that girl, and he tells me she was confiding in him. It was the 'my boyfriend doesn't understand me' line.
I tell him I feel uncomfortable with that, both the conversation and the fact the he had been sitting in the car rather than in our flat.
He tells me he didn't want to disturb me. I say that I feel that that is an excuse.
He doesn't accept that. So I change tack, and ask him if he doesn't think it's a bit weird that she is talking to him about this, and not to her girlfriends or mum? He never answers.
And we never reached an agreement about this incident. He still maintains his version of events and has always refused to consider any part of my version.
Was that an EA? It's seeming like it at this point.
That was in early 2007. That's when the waywardness started kicking in I reckon. Wow...
So I had a brief chat with a lawyer today (five minutes on the phone). I really appreciated her giving me her time...I know how valuable that it.
Anyway, I don't think I'm going to be able to have a legal separation drawn up, as I can't afford it. That was an avenue I was possibly going to explore, as a boundary for myself.
The good news is that she gave me some advice on my house, and the little money I have. House is mine, it's not matrimonial property. Money is also mine.
H would have to put in a claim for compensation for the money he has paid towards the mortgage, but I could counterclaim for his pension.
So I've gathered some more information, but I'm doing nothing about it for the moment The status quo will continue for a while longer, while I carry on with living my life and working on myself, whilst also taking the time to slowly think things over. Perhaps something will change at some point? I don't know.
I've realised that the overwhelming fear I had about losing my house had tapped into a fear going back to childhood (we were homeless for a year when I was 10 years old).
On the plus side, I did feel the fear take hold and really overwhelm me, but I still managed to take some steps to find where I stand on it, legally.
Perhaps this whole process is about learning to face your own biggest fears? Mine are to do with abandonment and not feeling safe (physically and emotionally).
Well, the abandonment has happened, and look...I'm still here. I'm not only just still here, I'm managing to piece myself back together and live my life. I'm also managing to piece together my own version of events from my own perspective, and really own that. And I don't feel the need to try and convince people of my version, in spite of what my H may or may not be saying about me and our life together to our mutual friends, family or work colleagues.
I'm also physically safe, in my own house, under my own roof. And nobody can take that away from me,
The abandonment didn't annihilate me or destroy me, as I was always scared it would.
I don't know what I'm going to do with the information from the lawyer for now - or if I'm going to do anything at all with it, but it's helped me feel much calmer and more together.
Organising a nice GAL activity for the end of the week, and also introducing two good friends to each other.
Things to focus on in the next week/couple of weeks that have slipped a little:
* Back to some DIY. I get a tremendous sense of achievement from that. * Back to clearing out and sorting my clothes. Also makes me feel good. * Keep the house tidy. Struggling with this a bit at the moment, so I'll just focus on always having the washing up done and the kitchen surfaces clear for the next week. * A bit more focus on my own work.
Longer term goals:
* Finish paying off the mortgage. Not much left on it at all, just a couple of years.
I'm sorry focus and can I say I think you're doing so well. There's a little mind reading going on here, so be careful with this track. From what you post, yes he may not have had clear boundaries with OPs - how far that went (if anywhere at all) may not be something you ever get an answer to.
I don't think your H would have stopped loving you in 2007 and stayed for a further 8 years though......JMHO of course. However, it can be too easy to feel that we and the R just didn't matter to them, and I don't think that's true.
If you're having a low day, that calls for some extreme self care....hopefully your day will improve and tomorrow will be better too....
Take care Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you Sotto. I always appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
I've been thinking about the mind reading comment you made since you posted.
It's always been a habit of mine, since I was a child. I had to learn to do it in order to survive, and I got very, very good at it.
I got so good at it, that I could slip into someone else's shoes without even realising it, and would end up with no shoes of my own (so to speak), or shoes that didn't even hold together so I couldn't get anywhere myself.
Throw in some pretty highly attuned empathy on top of that as well (I'm one of those people that can walk into a room of strangers and just *feel* what they're all about and where they're all at).
Over the past 8 or so years, I've been trying to work out my own feelings over certain things, situations and people and make my own narrative for my own life. I've been trying to redress the balance a bit if you like.
I strafed with some major life events and unusual situations. It's definitely not been easy. It's been very, very hard at times.
The risk (and sometimes the price one pays) is angering other people with your own version, or alienating them. I've angered a few and alienated some too.
How far do you go with your own version of things? How far do you let it take you? I've believed so strongly in my own version over certain things that the police have been involved two times, and there's been a court case over one of the issues...I've believed that strongly over these two things. Actually, it was more like something inside me, pushing me. I tried as much as I could to resist, because the whole thing scared me to death and the whole thing was unbelievably stressful, but I couldn't. I couldn't because of the values that I have.
Anyway, I'm digressing.
I've discovered over the past few months that there are also other ways of living once you have your own version of things, events and people, and that is by simply living. Living your life without any outward display, or grand and dramatic gestures.
I think this is what I'm learning.
Thank you for helping me to understand all of that.
Oh, and the past couple of days marks another month anniversary since the ILYBINILWY speech and since the last time I spoke to H (which was the day after). It's 8 months now.
So, my H and I work in the same industry. The past couple of days I've been working with H's uncle, who also does the same job as my H.
H and his uncle are *very* similar, in many, many ways - except his uncle is about 20 years older, and quite a bit wiser. I'm also starting to suspect his uncle went through something similar to what my H has been going through when he was the same age.
Anyway, I was ready for the job. Turned up, immaculately turned out, perfectly poised, gracious, dignified. Actually, I was more than that...I managed to exude genuine openness, curiosity and warmth to everyone there (including H's uncle).
He gave me q big hug when he saw me. Was genuinely happy to see me. We chatted a couple of times. He told me I looked well, then corrected himself and said *really* well.
He asked what I'd been up to. I gave him a quick run down, including my holiday. He assumed I had been to visit my parents, who live abroad. I corrected him and said I'd been to another country entirely. He sounded surprised (in a good way).
I didn't ask about H, and uncle didn't mention him. Conversation was smooth and easy, no awkward silences. He gave me two very warm and genuine hugs, one when we met, and one at leaving.
Very, very proud of myself. Not only of how I controlled my emotions and of how I conducted myself, but especially of how I managed to stay in the moment at all times, of how I managed to stay in touch with my own self and be open to other's warmth at the same time.
Bought myself a pair of ridiculously high-heeled shoes that I've had my eye on for a while as a reward.
