So I have a ‘temporary court order of protection’ hanging over my head for 3 weeks. I am humiliated, prevented from going home or contacting my wife and kids, sleeping on my brother’s couch. More than anything, I want to contact my wife and plead with her to work this out - but of course, I’ll get in trouble with the courts if I do. My brothers and my sister in law are communicating with my wife. They tell me she wants to work it out, but she doesn’t believe you can change, or even want to change. I decide that - whatever happens between us - that I will make some positive changes in my life and become a better person. I have already been seeing a therapist once a month, I up this to once or twice a week (after apologizing to him for lying that I wasn’t smoking weed). I begin attending 12 step meetings (NA and AA) every day. I am doing 90 12 step meetings in 90 days. I contact a friend out of state who has 15 years of sobriety and he agrees to be my sponsor. I begin the first and second step. At first I don’t believe that I am an ‘addict’. I am in denial about this because ‘it’s just weed’ and ‘I only do a very minimal amount’ and ‘it’s not like I’m in the alley with a needle in my arm’ and ‘hell my wife does it with me every once in a while’. Eventually I begin to sober up and start thinking clearly, and start reading the Big Book. I learn that - it doesn’t matter how far you have fallen, everyone eventually hits their own rock bottom, and this is mine, and thank God I realize that now before I fall any lower. I learn that - it doesn’t matter what your addiction is, weed or heroin or playing video games - if your life has become unmanageable and you are powerless over your addiction to the extent that - your employment is affected, for instance. OR it has destroyed your family - then you have an addiction. I hate the weed so much, I hate that it has destroyed my marriage. I never want to do it again. I decide to never do it again, and to never LIE about anything again, even little things that don’t matter.
I decide - whatever happens to my marriage - something good has to come out of this. I have to become a better person, for my sake and my kids sake.
I have more than 31 days sobriety currently, which is basically peanuts, and continue to attend meetings daily. I try to focus on my work, my project is going well. It’s actually sort of a relief that I’m not able to contact my wife. At times I’m able to put everything out of my mind and be cheerful. I start working out again regularly. During this time, my wife is still in contact with my brothers and sister in law. They tell her what I’m doing, she tells them she’s happy I’m taking things seriously. She continues to communicate with my family. She brings my kids to a family party one weekend. She brings them to stay with my mom - their grandma - another weekend. My sister in law tells me that my wife told her - she wants to work it out, but doesn’t want to talk to me unless it is in marriage counseling, and that I should make some appointments so we can begin counseling as soon as possible after the June 3 date has passed and we can communicate again. She takes the kids out of town to visit her family out of state over the weekend, and I go out of town to visit my sponsor in another state. At this point I am hopeful at the possibility of being able to finally talk to my wife about our marriage again.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
