Feeling lost 2

[doodler]

srt,

I understand I've been through the same metamorphosis. And now you've become totally frustrated. I understand!

I'll read through your thread over the weekend and maybe I can offer some constructive help.

Hang in there. I know it's tough, particularly when you're always the bad guy.

[srt]

Hi doodler, thanks for taking the time to repl, yes, I feel incredibly frustrated, and feel like I should be doing something, however I understand in reality there is very little I can do to "control" the situation i.e. her actions are decided by her not me.

It's the effect on my kids I'm most scared of, that and her rewriting marital history, as well as this unrealistic "dream" she has about her future life. It's like she is undermining everything we had which was good, and our marriage did have many good times, unfortunately she cannot see past the recent difficult times.

I suppose I'm looking for an MLC diagnosis, but I'm aware there are many other signs there which might not back this up.

If anyone can help me with my questions I'd really appreciate it.

[EDF]

Do you think the MC is pro-marriage? I don't have any experience with couples therapy, but I know the DB book and lots of forumers have pointed out that not all counselors will have a positive impact on the R, especially if they are more prone to wallowing in the old pains rather than helping find "solution-based" ways for the two of you to move forward and start making things better.

From some of the comments you say the MC has made, I'm not sure it is currently helping.

[doodler]

srt,

I don't know much about MLC and I constantly trip over myself when I DB. I assume your wife is still in an EA and possible PA; is that correct? I also assume you're still separated?

I guess I just don't feel like I've been around long enough to provide valuable feedback. What I get from reading your posts is that you want your wife back, but it doesn't really sound like you have deep feelings of love for her. And again, I could be reading too much into your posts.

Do you really want her back or are you just looking for an explanation of her behavior?

[srt]

Hi, MC is neither pro or against M. W is very resistant to makign "positive" changes, having previously said she is "done", it is "over" and she "does not want to try".

W is not in a PA afaiw, also not in an EA I think although she previously was. Not sure I really care if she is or isn't in one (trying to detach), at the moment she is not the person I know.

Believe me I do still love her and want her back, but I don't want the current version of her back; the one that doesn't respect me, blames me and is angry.

Our chat last month after a long walk revealed the most to me; she seems content with the current situation and does not see any problem with it continuing into the future. This seems like cake eating to me and I'm taking all the steps I can to prevent this and be assertive.

She has also recently written off her car, things will get interesting soon I feel!

[doodler]

srt,

In my opinion, the very best thing you can do is focus on you. Improve yourself. Get a life (GAL). Get your mind off of your marriage and stop trying to get your wife back. Your best chance of getting her back is improving yourself.

I really think it's that simple.

[RSG]

You know, I'm starting to feel this way. I would like my wife to return and our family to be whole, but not the pod person that has currently taken over my wife. She's more worried that I might get "someone involved in 'our' business" than her walking away from her family and destroying our marriage.

It's like you just want to shake them out of it and give them their common sense back. My wife acts like she's happy with the situation and content with her choice. I know her too well. She pretends to be tough, but is a big softy. She needs me too much in her life to just go cold turkey. It's getting easier to detach now, but I worry that when she finally snaps out of it I will have gotten too disgusted to want to do the hard work to repair things together.

Sorry, I went off on a tangent really. Your first sentence is exactly what happened to me today.

Good luck with MC. Hopefully your W comes outta the fog!

[srt]

Hi RSG, what do you mean by POD person? Not heard this term before?

My W is looking miserable every time I see her, yet she is still complimenting me? Am I missing something, should I be complimenting her back? or first?

[srt]

Not been on for a while and thought things were slowly improving, however recent events don't seem to indicate this.

W has said at counselling that she misses me, wishes things could be like they used to be, and does not like the current circumstances. She knows current sitch is not working, yet continues to fiercely oppose any increase in contact I can get with S&D. She has openly said that she has tried everything and now thinks the only thing left to do is for us all to move back together. I have simply said that will only work if she wants to and is committed to working on our relationship.

She also seems to spend most of MC moaning about her mother, yet still failing to take on board or do anything about it, despite suggestions of counsellor.

We were meant to meet to discuss things together outside MC (I think this is counsellor trying to kick start some form of "dating") but W has done nothing about this. We were clear in MC that since she was the one who had left, has to be the one to make the 1st move. I've been holding her to this - when checking if she still wants to meet she is non-committal and vague, wanting me to say when and where we meet. She is also reflecting this back to me, accusing me of being vague since I said I can meet anytime, just let me know!! I feel this meeting would be a waste of my time, since if she wanted to meet I wouldn't have to ask - she would be shouting!!!

She is currently in the huff, and says she no longer wants to go to MC since she comes out confused and feels crap about herself. She wants me to cancel the next session but I'm not going to. I'm going to go to the next session anyway, on my own if needs be, to discuss what we do next.

I don't know what I can do other than continue to DB and see what happens. W is resistant to making ANY changes, and becoming more dependant than ever on her M&F. I do sometimes worry that they are poisoning her against me but know there is nothing I can do about that.

W has said she thought leaving would make her happy but it has not. She says she has no money, does not go out, and complains she doesn't get to be part of my life. She is also very concerned with what people think about her and rumours in the town we live. I've been leaving her to figure out that this is what it will be like to be divorced, seems she has noticed but it hasn't twigged yet.

I KNOW there is still a spark there (and this makes it even harder for me, especially when trying to keep detached) since small "moments" keep happening, and she freely admits this in counselling. However she is very resistant to coming forward and talking or making any changes to our circumstances. What is she scared of?

I really don't know what to do, to me it seems like she wants to be "rescued" yet I know things will not work unless she addresses her issues and her mother's controlling influence on her. She says she feels she has not done anything since age 13 that gets her mothers approval - classic root cause of crisis??

I think she is still in MLC, and obviously very confused, the anger and bile I've had to put up with today are getting me down. It also saddens me to think the children are being dragged through this.

Any advice, comments or support very welcome - I do feel very lonely standing.

[srt]

Hi folks, bumping this up again in the hop of some advice.

My wife recently has been complaining I'm being awkward and I'm "punishing" her - I've been trying to detach and not do anything for her she can do herself. I feel I'm trying to show her exactly what being divorced/separated is like, but do find it hard to reply to these accusations - I've been saying I'm sorry you feel like that, and I'm just living my life the best it can be for me and the kids.

Is this an attempt to reel me in or is it her way of crying for help? She has admitted she is wanting me to sweep her off her feet, yet will not sit down and discuss our future together. She has also said of all the things she wants to do (holidays, travel etc) that she see's me there! She has definitely noticed all the positive changes I have made.

Finding the whole situation very confusing and want to make sure I'm not going to mess up - advice or support please people esp Sandi! x