Working on me and letting it play out

[cbtdad]

As always thank you so much for your feedback ACC!!
I understand what you are saying and I think it's why I've thrown the "moving out" thing up to her. But you are right as usual. It was done out of emotion and not done in a calm and rational way. And sure enough when I woke up and the emotions settled that is not what I wanted. The last thing I want to do is move out. I know it would be best for me, but not for son. He even told me Saturday night when I got home from work that he was scared I wasn't coming home. Told W the same thing Sunday.
So I'm doing everything I can to prevent that.
But you are dead on when you talk about triggers. I've gotten so much better at them over the last 6 weeks, but still a long way to go clearly.
W and I had a good conversation Sunday morning when I got back from church. I didn't let it go on too long and we were in a good place when it was over.
I know that staying at home is the best possible option if I can control the triggers and emotions. I'm realizing because of my part in this that it is just going to take time. My goal is to become that person only a fool would leave, but to do it under the same roof for my son. If I break down and truly believe that that can't happen then I will move out.
After Saturday late night talk and Thursday bag incident I decided to actually right down goals in my phone and will read them every day. They are as follows:
1. I will not snoop
- no checking bill
- no checking electronics
- no checking car
Nothing! No snooping!

2. No R talk outside MC office
- zero
- no temp checking
- nothing! No R talk at all!

3. Listen, validate and emphasize
- look at people in eye when talking
- DO NOT interrupt

4. Spend quality time with S
- outside the house
- swim
- go eat out

5. Get back to having fun
- GAL
- golf
- make new friends
- meetup.com

6. No mind reading
- no one event!
- good or bad
- its a marathon not a sprint


So that's it for now. I plan on reading and sticking to these goals. I understand that this is about me becoming a better person. I do believe I can do that under the same roof. I think I've come a long ways already, but I have had a few setbacks for sure.
I do now completely understand why we got to this point. There is no question I was verbally abusive and controlling.
I use to think verbal abuse was just yelling at someone and calling them names. But now I know better, and now that I know that I am determined to fix me and become the man I know I can be