Working on me and letting it play out

[Accuray]

Hi cbtdad,

Sounds like you went through a crisis there. You're right -- the best course would have been not to bring up the bag in the car at all.

In your nightmare scenario she had a trunk full of your cash and was packing a bag to go spend a romantic weekend with some OM. Even if that were the case, there's nothing you can do about it.

That's the key thing -- no matter what she does, there's nothing you can do about it. Asking her about it only made her feel:

-- mistrusted
-- under the microscope
-- responsible for your happiness

All of those are kryptonite for romantic attraction.

If you then have an R discussion late at night, nothing good will come of it as you've seen. There is nothing worse than wanting to end a conversation and have the other person continue to push and push. It makes you feel trapped and anxious.

Saying that you're going to move out and then not doing it is extremely confusing. She now doesn't know what to expect from you. She may assume that you were threatening her, or that she's a failure, or you're trying to punish her. If you do decide to move out, I think you want to be clear about the reasons why and explain them to her in a calm and rational way.

You will continue to be triggered -- things will come up over and over again that will trigger you.

If you react to those triggers, even later, it's going to come across as an accusation.

That will then kill romantic attraction, you'll feel worse, and because you feel worse you'll be even more vigilant for triggers and around the wheel you go -- stuck and trapped.

The way to overcome triggers, as I'm sure you've found, is to feel 100% confident about your own contribution to the household and the relationship, and to feel that she would be a fool to leave you.

If you feel that way, then if she cheats or leaves it's because she's a fool, and not a negative reflection on you, or a statement that you're not worthy.

So here you are stuck -- you feel that your wife is not romantically attracted to you. That makes you feel guilty for your role in things, inadequate due to her perceived rejection, angry about the rejection, and resentful because on some level you feel that she owes you some support and affection as your wife and is withholding it for no good reason when she could so easily give it to you.

That "cocktail" of emotions is completely normal and understandable in your situation, but is also toxic to your relationship, and like a volcano will lead to earthquakes and eruptions that may feel beyond your ability to control.

That is why I question if "fixing this" is possible under the same roof.

People can't love you until you love yourself. You have to love yourself not only in general, but also in the context of this relationship, and right now you don't.

Living under the oppression of withheld affection makes it extremely difficult to love yourself.

I think getting some time apart may actually be a very good thing for you in the near term, provided you communicate what you're doing with compassion and care, and not even a hint of punishment or anger.

There is a book called "Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage"

May be worth reading up on it just to understand it better as an option. You may need to "let your wine breathe" as they say rather than remaining under the cork.

Acc