QUESTION: Should I help her move? Or just make myself scarce? I was thinking about helping move OUT, asking for her key when we are done, and staying back and not helping move IN to the new condo.
DigIt,
My opinion is that helping your wife move or not helping her move doesn't really make much difference. Certainly, if you made a commitment to helping her, then you should help her.
I'm not a DB veteran, so I may have this wrong, but I think the important thing for your wife to understand is that you're not Plan B. And, I think not being Plan B is very similar to detaching; everyone says they're detaching, but it seems few actually do it.
Exactly what I was thinking. Either way, won't sway things one way or the other. I want to be consistent for myself, no one else. Right now, its hard to make ANY progress one way or the other while living together. I will be going dark when she leaves. There is nothing I need from her. Detaching will be easier once we don't live together.
QUESTION: Should I help her move? Or just make myself scarce? I was thinking about helping move OUT, asking for her key when we are done, and staying back and not helping move IN to the new condo.
DigIt,
My opinion is that helping your wife move or not helping her move doesn't really make much difference. Certainly, if you made a commitment to helping her, then you should help her.
I'm not a DB veteran, so I may have this wrong, but I think the important thing for your wife to understand is that you're not Plan B. And, I think not being Plan B is very similar to detaching; everyone says they're detaching, but it seems few actually do it.
Commitment>? Like the marriage one she is disregarding?
Like many things.... its not about punishment, its finding indifference and focusing on yourself. Moving her out is only allowing her to cake eat ... whats next, "Honey set up my TV and internet so when OM is here we can snuggle on the family couch I took and watch Netflix"?
Point is, the WAS makes choices, along with these choices consequences follow, during the fog these are most felt by the LBS as we are typically blind sided ... at some point the WAS has to feel their share .... hence the banging of the GaL/180/PMA drums that are pounded ... when we find our happy place and start enjoying our life they look towards us and think "Wait .. whats going on .. how can they be this happy I am not in their life?"
Helping them with their choices of leaving the home, having an A, all that is only feeding them cake IMHO ... I would opt to plan a 'me' day as she moves herself out if that's what she wanted to do. In fact I did just this, she in fact hired movers. To this day not once did I hear "You didn't even hep me move out",.... if in your head somewhere you are thinking its the nice thing to do ... she will see what a great guy you are ... don't ... it doesn't work that way.
Exactly what I was thinking. Either way, won't sway things one way or the other. I want to be consistent for myself, no one else. Right now, its hard to make ANY progress one way or the other while living together. I will be going dark when she leaves. There is nothing I need from her. Detaching will be easier once we don't live together.
Be consistent in your stand for your M .... you read here long enough you will come to a phrase "I am sorry you feel this way, this is not what I want but I respect your decision" drop that and walk away. Every action you make should be one where it says "I am a man who wants my M" .... moving her out says ... here I will help you leave. "Believe none of what they say and 1/2 of what they do" is another one here ... this also applies to us, we are examined more in what we do than what we say .... realize this. You helping her validates to her she is right in moving out, infact you also think its a great idea. Thats what your actions show ..... don't try the "No she will see what a great guy I am by helping her out" ... that train left when she BD you.
Exactly what I was thinking. Either way, won't sway things one way or the other. I want to be consistent for myself, no one else. Right now, its hard to make ANY progress one way or the other while living together. I will be going dark when she leaves. There is nothing I need from her. Detaching will be easier once we don't live together.
Be consistent in your stand for your M .... you read here long enough you will come to a phrase "I am sorry you feel this way, this is not what I want but I respect your decision" drop that and walk away. Every action you make should be one where it says "I am a man who wants my M" .... moving her out says ... here I will help you leave. "Believe none of what they say and 1/2 of what they do" is another one here ... this also applies to us, we are examined more in what we do than what we say .... realize this. You helping her validates to her she is right in moving out, infact you also think its a great idea. Thats what your actions show ..... don't try the "No she will see what a great guy I am by helping her out" ... that train left when she BD you.
Right now, I'm not doing it to be a nice guy, I'm doing it because I had offered and she said yes. If I back off that now, I think that would be looked at as me being bitter.
I feel like I shouldn't back down on my word. I'll help and when we're done, I'll get her key. She's def not expecting that, but she will not be welcome here after Saturday.
Helping them with their choices of leaving the home, having an A, all that is only feeding them cake IMHO ...
CaliGuy,
I don't disagree with what you're saying; I think one of the big issues an LBS has is deciding the appropriate actions to take with the desired end result of saving the marriage. It's difficult to really know what's best.
But, I do want to point-out that for most of us, helping the spouse toward their choices (such as leaving the house) is a complete 180. Most of us cling to the WS at first and we resist the spouse's desire to leave and get a divorce. Helping a spouse leave is doing the unexpected (in most cases) and can help show the WS that the LBS is confident that they can have a happy life without the WS.
Think I had a bit of a set back for myself. I had a feeling that this guy she had EA with was still around, and sure enough, he was/is. I brought up this fact, and there wasn't any fighting, but I could tell she was visibly annoyed. She didn't try to say no, like before.
She said that he is a contractor and that he has connections and is helping her with getting things done at the condo, since she can't do them on her own. Now, this guy is married with kids, and she has said that he's been over to the condo WITH his wife and kids. I doubt his W knows about EA, but that's not my business. My W has been relatively in the same circle of friends as them, so I know she knows both of them. She said there is absolutley nothing there between her and him, that she isn't even the slightest bit attracted to him, and that she isn't talking to anyone, nor wants to.
I left it at that. I told her thanks for letting me know, but that it wasn't my business anyway anymore. I really want to believe her, but I'm finding it hard. If it IS true, I can see why she is annoyed by me lol. But she's lied to me before, and I brought that up, trying to explain how it looks/feels on the other side of the fence, regardless whats true/false. As they say, one lie cancels a thousand truths. Guess that's my hill to climb if I ever want to give her another shot.
I know to believe none of what they say, and 1/2 of what they do. Its just very confusing. Deep down, I do believe her, but past hurts aren't allowing me to right now. I'm chalking this up to a fumble on my part, and will continue on the path toward a better me. No word on divorce since our last argument, so I don't think she has filed. That's a plus, I know she is confused as well. Time will tell.
Right now, I'm not doing it to be a nice guy, I'm doing it because I had offered and she said yes. If I back off that now, I think that would be looked at as me being bitter.
I feel like I shouldn't back down on my word. I'll help and when we're done, I'll get her key. She's def not expecting that, but she will not be welcome here after Saturday.
Well, I think you are being a nice-guy by offering your services......so, my piece of advice is to STOP OFFERING TO HELP HER! Yes, it would make you look like a complete jerk if you backed out, now, from helping her move. So learn from it and don't offer anymore assistance.
Are you helping her move her stuff into her new place? What if OM and his W show up to help, too?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Right now, I'm not doing it to be a nice guy, I'm doing it because I had offered and she said yes. If I back off that now, I think that would be looked at as me being bitter.
I feel like I shouldn't back down on my word. I'll help and when we're done, I'll get her key. She's def not expecting that, but she will not be welcome here after Saturday.
Well, I think you are being a nice-guy by offering your services......so, my piece of advice is to STOP OFFERING TO HELP HER! Yes, it would make you look like a complete jerk if you backed out, now, from helping her move. So learn from it and don't offer anymore assistance.
Are you helping her move her stuff into her new place? What if OM and his W show up to help, too?
NO, I am not helping her move into her new place. Her father will also be helping. We get along great, so that's a non-issue. Actually, he kind of sides with me in all of this, but of course has support for his daughter.
After we finish up at my house, I'll politely ask for her key, and that's that. I will offer no more assistance with anything. I will initiate zero contact after that.
I do know that my SS (her S, 18yrs old) will be helping her at the new place because he works and won't be available til later. As far as anyone else, that's not a concern of mine. Once she is out, I'll better be able to focus on myself.
I don't disagree with what you're saying; I think one of the big issues an LBS has is deciding the appropriate actions to take with the desired end result of saving the marriage. It's difficult to really know what's best.
Yup ... and thats what landed us all here right? To try and save our marriage. Problem is at this point the motor blew on the car (Marriage) and the LBS thinks by slapping new rims and tires on it its going to fix the car. It took a LONG time for the M to end up at this point, there is no quick fix.. its going to take a good deal of change and some time for the WAS ... especially a WAW to TRUST those changes stick with a LBH. Thats what GAL/180/PMA is crucial to get under control .... along with detachment to get them thinking a bit. Read here long enough and you will realize early on if feel like the opposite of what we are used to/comfortable with we are told to do .... its not a mistake. At this point you have 2 options.. do what YOU feel is best (one day you will realize thats how you ended up here) or finally realize what you have done has not worked (Do what works ... sound familiar>?) and 180 .... 180 is the opposite of what you have done that landed you here.
Originally Posted By: doodler
But, I do want to point-out that for most of us, helping the spouse toward their choices (such as leaving the house) is a complete 180. Most of us cling to the WS at first and we resist the spouse's desire to leave and get a divorce. Helping a spouse leave is doing the unexpected (in most cases) and can help show the WS that the LBS is confident that they can have a happy life without the WS.
Glad you pointed this out. My 2 cents on this one, as its not always touched on here, the difference between the sexes. As a man ... clinging and begging is desperately unattractive and will make the WAW run faster towards her hunky OM who she feels is her everything and a bag of chips. Helping her move out places you in a Beta role (Friendzoned) as she pines for her new Alpha, .... sure being viewed as a friend is better than the Ahole H ... however its not going to win her back in the role of spouse, if you want her as a friend by all means be my guest. This is where you detach, 180, PMA and GAL and by your actions ... not words ... you prove you are the prize, the catch while the OM and A loses its shine. Like you said ... this is where you the LBS "is confident that they can have a happy life without the WS."
