Thank you all so much for the replies! I was reading them over on my phone last night when my power went out for 7 hours...... and as I slowly respond (I'm at work) I see many of you contributing and I appreciate it so much. so much good insight.
Zues, one huge thing I have learned over this journey is to be accountable and do the work. The problem some friends and my IC have noticed is that I am overly accountable sometimes. I take on other peoples shortcomings and make them my issues. I have been working with my IC for the past year to stay accountable after making somewhat of a demeaning relationship decision. And I must say, some people, like exNG like to admit to what's wrong, call themselves accountable, but I think when you do nothing about it, you aren't accountable. So I work my butt off to always work on me.
That being said, I have really been mulling over the common denominator thing. There are more common denominators than me. All men had recently gone through a D or a breakup of a long term R. There are many others, no need to go over them.
However, I give 110% in my R's. I do not expect a 110% back. But I cannot accept as little as 20%. And sadly enough, that's about all anyone has ever given me. I love hard, and maybe some guys can't handle that. Not overbearing hard, I'm not jealous, I have my own life, and support myself, but I will give you all my love and effort. I do not play hard to get. But I don't think it's a part of me I want to change. This is definitely something every R has had in common. And admittedly, one was a big mistake, one I was in a very lonely place and I bought some words and ignored the straight up mistreatment from one guy. But I write that off as a learning experience.
JellyB- thanks for sharing your experience with me. It is pretty much similar to the experience I have been having since 29 too, except that I was just divorced. Only one I thought might have been the one which was exNG, but in my heart, I knew with the place he was in and the lack of any real effort, that ruled him out. Being in different places emotionally, or showing emotions in different ways, as you mentioned, really does make or break an R sometimes. I don't think it makes one person right or wrong, but perhaps there are fundamental differences that really lead to a place an R breaksdown. Which is not reflective of your self worth. but self-worth is so important. I finally built it, but this time around, I can't help to have it hurt and feel like there is something wrong with me, but you were all helped me to look from outside of myself. I am worthy. I am more than the in between girl to the right person. But I really, really need me to put myself back in the place where I won't accept being the in between girl again and I won't ignore red flags. I also need to be in a place that god fobid this does happen again, it won't destroy me. I can't say I am there right now. If someone falls into my lap, I wouldn't ignore it. But I just can't look for it. I am getting frustrated and disappointed.
Perhaps the love I give is hard to receive. And I just haven't found anyone strong enough to receive it yet. I pretty much know that was the case for exNG.
Well, I hope there is some guy out there strong enough to receive it and give something in return.
