Not sure where to start on my new thread. Sooo many thoughts are racing through my mind, none of which are productive in any way.
The top of the consuming thoughts is wanting to explain myself to xW. Wanting to tell her how I interpreted things, hopefully so she will see my side. It is just as overwhelming to consider the idea that I should not do that, that doing so is trying to change her. One example that continues to haunt me.
Everything else in my head is based on fear. Examples are fear of: - xW never coming around, I won't find someone else, and will end up alone - Being miserable and others not wanting to be around me - Going out in public alone - Not being able to provide for myself and my kids; financialy, cooking for them, being able to schedule time with them around work, etc. - My kids being bored when with me, not finding enough to do with them or not being present enough because I am miserable - Not being able to do the things I enjoy without help from xW - Not finding people to do stuff with - xW moving on just fine without me
7 months have passed, and I haven't stopped shaking for more than 30 seconds, and when I do finally relax I fall asleep.
My thoughts are not becoming clearer, in fact they seem to be getting even more jumbled up. The last few visits with IC haven't helped, she tells me things I have already read 100 times. I feel I am failing at every attempt I make at anything. Trying to plan things for this weekend, got busy with other things and didn't finish planning, and the weather is now going to be crappy for the things I was hoping to do. I was both excited and nervous to get the boat out. Was hoping to hang in the camper with the kids, but I haven't had time to get food for out there yet.
I'm finding nothing to put on the "success" list or my "gratitude" list. Maybe that is where I should shift my focus more? Every positive thought I have comes with a huge negative along with it, and it is consuming. Yep, got my camper, now I am afraid to go in it because it reminds me of xW.
Maybe my kids would even help?
Even with the huge list of negatives about xW in my head, I STILL wish for her to come around. There's nothing I can do. There's no way to talk to her to show her the new me. I feel so powerless, so out of control.
The goal, I think, is autonomy. Being happy with myself, right? Without becoming a hermit? Why was it that I was so content being alone, if I knew W was not too far away, but now it is torture? I only needed a few minutes of emotional support a day, and she provided it for me? Even an argument with her felt better than nothing.
Hi DFP I hope it's ok to chime in. Re the IC , maybe it's the wrong IC for you or maybe your not taking the info in
I think most people would fear being alone but realistically there are plenty of good people in the world looking for other good people and by getting a life it will give you more chance to meet them
7 months is not a long time and this is a process with many different parts to it
Time is a great healer but you need to help it along by getting yourself into the right frame of mind and moving forward. This is easier said than done but it can be done and has been by millions of people across time
I haven't read your whole sitch but I will and please believe me that you will be happy again one day
Hi DFP I hope it's ok to chime in. Re the IC , maybe it's the wrong IC for you or maybe your not taking the info in
I definitely appreciate you chiming in, every little bit helps.
I think part of the reason my IC isn't that effective is because of all the reading I do, and the support I have gotten from this forum.
The kids were telling me tonight that xW bought a camper. She has money now that I wrote her a 32k check. Irresponsible, you'd think she'd want to use as much as possible for a down payment for a house.
This reminded me of something IC said, I told IC that xW told my mom that she did all the things that "I" wanted to do. Ironic, she is still doing all the exact same things. IC said that xW is trying to prove that she can do all those things without me. But proving it to who? To herself? The kids? I seriously think she is trying to prove it to me? I know I consider doing a lot of things specifically to prove to xW I can get by without her.
I am actually feeling bad for her again. This whole thing has been about xW's weakness. She stated before she left that she couldn't stand up for herself. I always encouraged her to, both to me and others, but when she tried it came across as extremely childish with things like exaggerated mimicking. I would tell her it was childish, I believe now she backed down because she didn't know how else to stand up for herself.
The OFP, she told my mom was to protect herself from giving in if I tried to convince her to come back. She used it as a way to get the power back, take control, whatever you want to call it. IMO hiding behind an OFP isn't showing power or control.
She said in the OFP she was concerned that when I lost control over her that I would go crazy. I never went looking for her, I never threatened, nothing. It wasn't easy! She voiced a concern I would hurt the pets, which was ridiculous, I spent more time with them than her. I wonder if the advocates fed her that part too?
I wonder, did her victim mentality cause her to think that I was having her followed? Made her think that I needed to be punished?
I agreed to the OFP, without a fight. I allowed her the freedom she wanted. After 2 months I had enough and had D papers sent to her. She called my mom all upset, she thought I wanted to reconcile? The only sense I can make of it, she honestly thought I needed a punishment? Or that it was a test to see if I would allow her to do her thing without trying to control her? By pursuing D I proved to her (in her opinion) that I couldn't handle it?
After that I offered MC again, waited another 2 months. She declined, didn't want to be manipulated at MC, I guess.
Regarding your fear-based list, I definitely recognize some of my own fears there. Wanted to chime in that one of the things I read mentioned trying to focus on what you could be gaining rather than what you are losing.
For me, an example is to not focus on losing my wife, but to consider how much happier I might be without her toxicity. Or instead of worrying about social anxiety, think about how much more confident I could feel if I challenge myself and develop some new people skills.
FYI for me reading a book on Small Talk really helped give me some new conversation seeds and tips. I've been practicing a bit on random people, like my haircut lady, and it's making the prospect of meeting new people less daunting.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
I totally understand everything you wrote in your first post. I can't tell you how many imaginary conversations I had with XW while I was in the shower or driving to work, in which I explained myself. What helped was keeping strict strict strict no contact for enough time that eventually I realized that I had no idea what she thought anymore, and I was projecting her part onto her, and that essentially I was just talking to myself.
Nowadays she's just a stranger that once made the decision to murder my wife and destroy my family.
As for why you needed her so much, this is important to figure out. For me the answer was that I was terrified of abandonment. It was worse than death. I was working with IC to try to figure out where my fear of abandonment came from, because I never felt abandoned by my parents. But after a few sessions he guided me to the answer which I knew was right. I had abandoned myself. See, when I was 12 I had emotionally dissociated and tried to live in my head. Feelings I stuffed away, and I became focused on tasks and goals. I never did learn to care for myself.
When I met XW I had a 'covert contract' (unspoken expectation or agreement) in which I would do anything she wanted every day to the best of my ability, provide for her, love her, give her children, a house, a car, fine dinners, roses, whatever...all I asked in return was that she loved me and filled the hole in my heart and made everything ok. Well, she never could fill the hole in my heart, because it was bottomless and no one can fill something that only I can fill. And as a result I grew resentful that she didn't love me enough, and she felt resentful I was always dissatisfied with her, and she left.
In the end I found the only way out was to take care of myself. Post BD whatever I wanted from XW, I did for myself. Did I need to be comforted? I literally pictured myself comforting the 12 year old emotionally stunted emotional self within myself and assuring myself I wouldn't abandon me again. I held my own hand. I hugged myself mentally. If I needed validation, I surrounded myself with a few good friends that could hear me out. If I needed companionship, likewise. Bottom line, I REFUSED to cling to the delusion that XW was the sole keyholder to my salvation in this universe. She is NOT. She never was. And the fact that I tried to make her into one was what drove her away.
Is any of this similar to your world? If so, isn't it time you started taking care of and learning to love yourself? If you can't do it, no one else can.
I've always challenged LBS's with this: How can you expect her to get over her dependence on OM, if you can't get over your dependence on her? Act with the character you wished she had. Be a leader.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
EDF and Zues, I read your replies, and will think on it and reply tomorrow.
Right now I am stewing about something new from the kids. S11 told me xW is planning to sell one of their toys... Something I did a ton of research to buy, to modify, and maintain, but she insisted in getting in the D. She also told S11 she absolutely will not sell it to me. he continued by saying that xW told him I need to learn how to treat people better.
I asked both kids again, do I ever say anything bad about their mom? They both say no. I asked if she says anything bad about me? They said yes. I told them that I am glad they notice, they should just continue to notice, and come to their own conclusions.
W and I spent a lot of time in the boat together, both cruising and exploring new lakes, and doing watersports. With the kids we were doing the same.
I got the boat out yesterday with the kids, just the 3 of us. We had a good time, but I really missed xW's company, really missed her help. D9 thought of getting snacks together on her own before we left, something xW always used to do for us. Brought a tear to my eye that D9 assumed this role on her own, I was so proud of her. S11 was right there to help with landing the boat. Both were just so excited to help with everything.
While in the boat, the kids would do something, I'd turn to share it with W, she wasn't there. I can't believe how many times I looked over at her seat, looking for her. I fought the tears hard, didn't want to take away from the fun with the kids, as they were having a great time.
The kids and I spent most of the weekend in the camper, their choice, I assume because it is an "adventure" for them. I was worried it would feel like yet one more place they were bouncing to, since xW isn't staying at the house, she is staying at MIL's most of the time. I now think it was finally a "familiar" place. It allowed time with them away from my parents, which I think was great for all of us. And it was finally a space that was mine, amazing how much different that can feel.
I still haven't slept in the bed in the camper xW and I used to share.
One of my thoughts... No matter who I find, it will never be that person who I can share in the small things about the kids, 2 proud parents looking at each other and smiling, working together to bring out the best in each other for parenting. xW sometimes brought out the worst in me while coparenting, trying to override me and interfere in front of the kids. Did we share in that feeling ever? When I looked over at her, was she even present in the moment?
So many mixed feelings at every step. I tackled the boat adventure without W, I have never done that in my life. Some pride knowing I could handle it, it only took a few extra minutes without her. Still missed her. Still have not-so-great feelings about her, but they just don't seem to hold very long or very strongly, or I go into self-blame mode. I was content having a shell of a W sitting next to me? Even if she was full of anger and resentment and depression, those were her problems and it didn't define who I was... until BD of course!
Who I am is changing. Even with the pain from BD, I have managed to keep my cool and have less anger. It might be because W caused some of it? I have learned a lot about my kids that I wouldn't have learned otherwise. There's a huge part of me that wants xW to see it to get her to come back... but after everything she has done, the childish and irresponsible (less anger now, so I stopped using the word "dumb") actions, how can I forgive those things?
I mentioned before that when xW and I first met, we knew each other only a couple days, and she shared her entire ugly past with me. It was a test, or a ploy for sympathy, I don't know which. Subconsciously it was a test for both of us to set up the codependent relationship that followed.
2 weeks before BD, she told me she thought her anti-depressants were off, she thought she was starting menopause, she was upset about the abortion, all in the same conversation. Again, a retest, or a ploy for sympathy? She was looking once again to be saved? That was her method of trying to strengthen the relationship? Or test the strength of? Or just general conversation that I am reading too much into?
I got the boat out yesterday with the kids, just the 3 of us. We had a good time, but I really missed xW's company, really missed her help. D9 thought of getting snacks together on her own before we left, something xW always used to do for us. Brought a tear to my eye that D9 assumed this role on her own, I was so proud of her. S11 was right there to help with landing the boat. Both were just so excited to help with everything.
While in the boat, the kids would do something, I'd turn to share it with W, she wasn't there. I can't believe how many times I looked over at her seat, looking for her. I fought the tears hard, didn't want to take away from the fun with the kids, as they were having a great time.
The kids and I spent most of the weekend in the camper, their choice, I assume because it is an "adventure" for them. I was worried it would feel like yet one more place they were bouncing to, since xW isn't staying at the house, she is staying at MIL's most of the time. I now think it was finally a "familiar" place. It allowed time with them away from my parents, which I think was great for all of us. And it was finally a space that was mine, amazing how much different that can feel.
Oh man, I am so super excited about this. I so dearly hope you can look at this and smile as much as I am right now.
took courage and you crushed the challenge.
you spent the weekend with the kids and nailed it.....woo-hooooooo!!!!!
