W and I spent a lot of time in the boat together, both cruising and exploring new lakes, and doing watersports. With the kids we were doing the same.
I got the boat out yesterday with the kids, just the 3 of us. We had a good time, but I really missed xW's company, really missed her help. D9 thought of getting snacks together on her own before we left, something xW always used to do for us. Brought a tear to my eye that D9 assumed this role on her own, I was so proud of her. S11 was right there to help with landing the boat. Both were just so excited to help with everything.
While in the boat, the kids would do something, I'd turn to share it with W, she wasn't there. I can't believe how many times I looked over at her seat, looking for her. I fought the tears hard, didn't want to take away from the fun with the kids, as they were having a great time.
The kids and I spent most of the weekend in the camper, their choice, I assume because it is an "adventure" for them. I was worried it would feel like yet one more place they were bouncing to, since xW isn't staying at the house, she is staying at MIL's most of the time. I now think it was finally a "familiar" place. It allowed time with them away from my parents, which I think was great for all of us. And it was finally a space that was mine, amazing how much different that can feel.
I still haven't slept in the bed in the camper xW and I used to share.
One of my thoughts... No matter who I find, it will never be that person who I can share in the small things about the kids, 2 proud parents looking at each other and smiling, working together to bring out the best in each other for parenting. xW sometimes brought out the worst in me while coparenting, trying to override me and interfere in front of the kids. Did we share in that feeling ever? When I looked over at her, was she even present in the moment?
So many mixed feelings at every step. I tackled the boat adventure without W, I have never done that in my life. Some pride knowing I could handle it, it only took a few extra minutes without her. Still missed her. Still have not-so-great feelings about her, but they just don't seem to hold very long or very strongly, or I go into self-blame mode. I was content having a shell of a W sitting next to me? Even if she was full of anger and resentment and depression, those were her problems and it didn't define who I was... until BD of course!
Who I am is changing. Even with the pain from BD, I have managed to keep my cool and have less anger. It might be because W caused some of it? I have learned a lot about my kids that I wouldn't have learned otherwise. There's a huge part of me that wants xW to see it to get her to come back... but after everything she has done, the childish and irresponsible (less anger now, so I stopped using the word "dumb") actions, how can I forgive those things?
