Its not too late!

[Growing]

Halo,
Haven't heard from you in a while. Need your input.

I have a theory about your H. I think he is confused some, but it maybe that he is afraid of what it means to get back together. He would have to give up some freedoms that is not ready to yet. He won't be able to come and go without telling you. In other words there are some things that he enjoys now that doesn't include you. Not necessarily bad or unfaithful things.

Just my $.02 Just give him space and no pressure.

[mylittlehalo]

nitaf, slowly, suzyblue, growing.

{{{{to all}}}}

Thanks for ya'lls input on this difficult turn of events.
I agree that XH might need his time to collect his thoughts and spread his wings in order to make "our" life together the best it can possibly be, but the lack of communication is killing me.

Thursday while on vacation XH and I went to the casino to gamble. He was so attentive, sweet, and on the long drive home we talked about us and tons of non R talk. He is giving me such mixed signals it is confusing. When we got back to my house he told me several times how much fun he had with me, how he enjoyed the day with me and cannot wait to spend time with me again. Then the next day I did not hear from him until late that evening. When we talked that evening when he was having dinner with a friend of his (which also knows me). His friend got on the phone with me trying to describe how he knows me, the things that the three of us used to do etc. Xh got back on the phone, I told him I was not going to go out in the bad weather that night and wished him a good night. Saturday I went shopping for a new outfit for that evening, it was his aunts B-Day party, at the party I think he got a little upset because I was hanging around his cousins and not up and under his butt. I dont know, just so very confused. I feel like he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it but he also expects me kiss his rear end when he graces me with his presence. The way he acts when we are together is not the way a single man (by choice) would act. I have to admit that since I have told him and shown him (most important) that I am supportive of the time and space he feels like he needs he has been more open about his plans and where abouts.
XH's behavior is so wishy washy. One thing I do know is that XH is hanging out with single friends of his, which we all know controls our urges to be in a committed R. I am giving him his space, keeping myself busy with other friends and other activities but the urge to be with him is still very strong. I believe if things continue on the path they are going we will be having the dating rules talk pretty soon.
Keeping my distance is helping some but having the feeling all my efforts are waisted is discouraging. All I can do now is pray, continue Db'ing, lean on you guys more than ever, have patience and understanding.

[Growing]

Halo,
Look back to where things were before and where you are now. You have made great strides. Be patient and don't rush it. I know you feel like you are giving in to what ever he wants. But isn't that what we have been showing them all this time. We forgive them and validate what they say and do and I think it is perceived by them that we are giving them everything they want. We don't argue or discuss the R and then when we get some acceptance we try to let them know more of what we want and need to talk about. if they are not ready then they step back again.

I think they have to be fully committed to doing whatever it takes to have that R with us. It doesn't sound like your H is really ready to commit. He has to realize what is uncomfotable for and staop it at least for a while. i believe they think since we have been so nice and showing "as-if" that they can just come back and things will be great. That is what scares me about acting "as if" and pretending nothing bothers us. When we get to the point of getting back together and we voice our concerns they say this didn't bother you before.

i may be wrong on all this, but these are concerns I have.

Just my opinion.

[mylittlehalo]

Randy, You have very valid points, I too have worried how acting "as if" could affect the outcome of any real R. Right now we are playing their game by their rules (which tend to change momentarliy) but what happens when we are no longer playing the game by only one set of rules? It scares me to imagine how many mountains we will have to overcome once our S's realize they want a R with us.

[Growing]

My take on this is if and when my W comes back I will treat her much different than before and do what I did the couple of weeks before she moved out. I will be more loving and understanding. I will help out more at home (this will be easy because I do it all now). I will listen better and argue less. I will be more affectionate. I will show give her words of affirmation. I will be more romantic. We will spend about 15 min each day just talking to each other face to face. The TV will be off during dinner so we can use that time as a family.

Wow maybe I should marry myself. LOL
in seriousness these are the things I'm going to do with her or someone else. I hope it is her, but if she waits too long she miss it.

[mylittlehalo]

Randy, your plan sounds like a good one. Good luck!

Journaling:
Not much happened yesterday, Talked to Xh in the AM, wished him a good day then went on with my everyday activities. He called late last night and left me a sweet message. I am going gray, at least for the most part.

I have taken ya'lls advise and re-read some of my old posts and goodness I see significant strides, Re-reading these old posts gave me the little extra boost I was needing. Thanks for the great advise!

[wiley]

Hi Halo,

I am going gray, at least for the most part.

Good girl, thats exactly how you should play it for awhile. As I read over the "going ons" with you over the last couple of weeks, I sense that you are a little farther along the line in terms of "devoted" committment to the R than perhaps your XH is at this point. I think your XH is on his way "there", but he is clearly not letting go to some of the aspects of the single lifestyle..he seems to be about 70% Halo, 30% single if I had to guess.. . Overall, things seem to be going in the right direction. Remember, if he really WANTS to he'll pick up the pace, but its gonna be on his timeframe..thats just the way things work, when one wants it more than the other...Of course if you all of a sudden back off a little & reduce the expectations, you know what will happen then...

It takes time Halo, take a look at where this whole deal was at as little as six months ago..

Go gray for a bit, have fun, enjoy the summer, go with the flow, you know the routine..

[mylittlehalo]

Nothing exciting to report, the more I back off the more XH responds positively.
It's summer time and I have a lot of free time on my hands so I am thinking of getting a second job to take care of most of my free time.

Taking a couple of steps back and re-reading my prior posts, I have noticed I have grown in the last few months. I am proud of me! Granted I wish things were different between XH and I but Wiley is 100 % correct, we have made positive strides thus far. Patience and faith will pull "us" through.

[wiley]

...the more I back off, the more XH responds positively.

Funny how that always seems to work isn't it?? Its amazing how RELIEVING even the slightest pressure helps to draw someone closer to what you want..when it comes to repairing a R. So simple to grasp, yet FEW seem to GET IT..

Good job in taking a deep breath and reviewing the fundamentals..

Enjoy the weather..

[suzyblue]

Hi halo, I forgot how long have you been divorced??? well, maybe going "gray" may just be the ticket. and when said that we are playing games by only one set of rules, boy ain't that the truth, you really hit that one!! I think they ask us where we are because they are afraid of loosing us-maybe-I hope or they just want their cake and eat it too. When you ex about where he is going, or who with--does he tell you??? I have asked a few times, and I get "its none of your business". Why do they continue to go out with us like we still are a couple???? has anyone figured this out????