Cherry, I think we walk a tight rope between showing our WH's boundaries and demanding respect while also trying not to push them right out the door with pushiness. While I get that we aren't supposed to make ultimatums I also feel we need to make it clear that we won't settle for a wayward thinking spouse. I am demanding a better me and therefore I expect a better him in this marriage.
I am working today and have been fairly busy. I finally got a small break and decided to come here and peruse the posts. This morning I walked to H and was mentioning a scheduling problem (our child care provider may not be able to take care of the kids the night I go to my specialty graduation which means I may not get to go to the graduation I've been looking forward to.) The interesting thing is this may be due to someone being very selfish and not communicating to my child care provider adequately, she is a primary Spanish speaker and I need her daughter to be interpreter for more nuanced conversations. The daughter is a colleague of mine and has behaved very irresponsibly and selfishly in the past so this last minute problem is more-of-the same. Anyways H became upset at the daughter and said, "She's such a selfish skank." I was taken aback because this is nothing compared to what H has done and continues to do by refusing to work on our marriage. I mean, if you compare the daughter of the nanny's behavior (someone I am only peripherally associated with) to my H (the person who was supposed to be my protector and partner against the world) well...it's theft to murder frankly. But it gives an interesting peek into his brain, he really can compartmentalize and not face his own actions.
In the meantime I am trying to arrange alternative child care for Tuesday and may find a way to swing it.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
To the Ww, everyone and anyone is at fault but them. Why should they be blamed for wanting what their hearts want? When in the fog, nothing else matters but their wants.
I can sense your frustration (and Cherry's) too at your Hs not pulling their weight. I may be wrong but would a come kitty kitty approach be more suitable now?
Totally agree though they must be aware of your boundaries.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
JksD, I think Waywards are so deep in their selfishness while in the fog that they could justify running over old women to get to their wants. It's something I don't think I will ever understand. What is the come kitty kitty approach?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Imagine trying to entice a scared little kitty to come to you. Scared little kitty is well, scared and wary. And is torn between wanting to trust you and all the goodness that you seem to offer, and the fear that you may not be what you seem to be.
For all their waywardness, I do believe that they feel pain. I have seen the pain in the x and he has also told me of his confusion. We may never understand their logic but in their own warped universe, they are also capable of pain.
This pain makes them scared little kitties.
I feel that your H is confused and in pain. He's a scared little kitty. See if you can get scared little kitty to come to you first.
Boundaries will probably work better if kitty can sense that they are coming from a place of love.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
That makes sense. I know my H is in pain and confused. It's just incredibly frustrating that he is so consumed with guilt/confusion/pain that he is paralyzed. So I am doing all this work and making myself a better person. He, on the other hand, appears to be standing still. While I am willing to wait awhile for him to feel safe again I am not willing to wait forever. I cannot stay in a marriage where I don't have a husband. Right now he is some guy who hurt me worse than any other human being. While I was in my darkest moments he was aloof, cold and sometimes even cruel. He still refuses to re-commit to our marriage and instead waits on me to make the hard decisions. His very words were, "You do what you have to, I need time and space. I don't dislike you but I don't want to be near you."
This kind of passive aggressive behavior infuriates me. He refuses IC, MC and anything that would have to do with reconciling. He acts as if I am the one who cheated and he's the one who needs time to rebuild trust. Man, I am getting angry again just thinking about this. He should be on his knees begging for another chance. Nope, he's all wrapped up in his delicate feelings to be bothered to fix what he broke.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
This kind of passive aggressive behavior infuriates me. He refuses IC, MC and anything that would have to do with reconciling. He acts as if I am the one who cheated and he's the one who needs time to rebuild trust. Man, I am getting angry again just thinking about this. He should be on his knees begging for another chance. Nope, he's all wrapped up in his delicate feelings to be bothered to fix what he broke.
I went through similar stuff. My W refused MC because I was the one that needed "fixing" even though she was the one in an EA. Not that I didn't have some fixing to do, the difference was that I was ready and willing to do the fixing and the W was not. I know from first-hand experience that it is extremely irritating to be in that situation.
I hope you can remain cool, calm and collected. I couldn't always remain that way.
Like Forest Grumpy (aka doodler) says, "Crazy is as crazy does."
This kind of passive aggressive behavior infuriates me. He refuses IC, MC and anything that would have to do with reconciling. He acts as if I am the one who cheated and he's the one who needs time to rebuild trust. Man, I am getting angry again just thinking about this. He should be on his knees begging for another chance. Nope, he's all wrapped up in his delicate feelings to be bothered to fix what he broke.
Sara, anger is a natural part of the process we go through and anger channeled for good can strengthen us and move us towards good things. Be aware of the type of anger you are feeling. ( see Vanillas thread on the types of anger). Avoid the destructive types, channel the appropriate types.
Now I share this next bit of advice as your posts have the flavor of much ruminating. Rumination can also have its place, but it is something that can quickly become a bad habit if one does not pay attention. I share this, because I am seeing so many threads with so many posts that are ruminating on the hurt, anger, pain and despair. The threads with these flavors I have noticed are by LBS that seem to get trapped into the negative for a long period of time. In contrast I have read other threads where the postings contain some of the same,but the majority is focused on action, positive thoughts and ones self. Check out bigybiz' thread. That guy really gets Dbing .
My point is, you have made some great progress in a short amount of time and I want to encourage you to balance out the rumination of the pain and your husbands actions or lack there of, with your positive thoughts and actions. IMHO we are what we think and these threads contain what we think. We can control the thoughts and when we focus towards the positive we can overcome the bad.
Keep your chin up, revel in your successes professionally, personally and most important as a strong woman and mother.
How are your kids doing? What things have you done with them lately that have brought you peace and joy?
(((Sara)))
Maintain your focus on you and let him fix himself or be left behind
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Doodler, That is exactly the crux of the situation. I know I need to shore up my issues and short comings. I've been reading voraciously, watching videos, getting coaching and going to IC. Now as far as the M goes I feel I have hit a sort of wall. I am waiting at the dock for my H's ship to steer towards me and start the work of fixing our R. He does none of the work and instead lives away from his family 75% of the time. When he's here he barely speaks to me and won't even engage in R discussions. I have been very careful not to pursue or start the conversations myself as that was my mistake previously. I am getting tired of waiting and may soon just drop the hammer on this "marriage."
SH, I am spending too much time ruminating. I am such an impatient person by nature and feel H isn't even progressing at a snail's pace. He appears to be in the same mental picture he was shortly after d-day. This infuriates me. If he were the betrayed spouse it would make sense but he isn't. Maybe he is answering the question I am asking, "Do you want this marriage?" His answer appears to be, "No." I am deciding if I can wait any longer or if I should just give up any hope of him growing beyond this mental adolescence.
I've done a good job of GAL in spite of the challenges of raising three small children almost single handed. I have been moving forward with my own plans and accomplishing major life goals all without his support or help. DBing has been a fairly useful tool with refocusing me on myself and self care but I honestly don't feel it's been successful at getting H to realize what he's losing. How can he change if his coping mechanism is to avoid responsibility/discomfort at all costs? I am on the cusp of just giving up and telling him pointblank that I am ready to end this marriage.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Yesterday was a crazy day. I spent half the day with my baby (baby sitter agreed to do the evening childcare if she could have half the day off), went to a store and bought an outfit for graduation, they altered it and delivered it to my house, went to a doctor's appointment and then came home and scrambled to get dressed and make up done before the graduation. Whew!
The graduation was really fun. Some previous residents that graduated showed up and surprised me. I won an award and was surrounded by a lot of people that care about me. All the graduating residents were there with their spouses and some brought parents. I got a few contemplative looks and inquiries about where WH was. I had rehearsed for this question and was able to give a believable response. I came home late (for me) and crashed to bed.
Right now we're in Ramadan and at the end we will have a biggest holiday, Eid al Fitr. I was chatting with WH tonight and he said he would not be home for Eid because of work. I was stunned because this is like choosing to work on Christmas when you don't have to. The kids are old enough now to form memories of holidays and he has never missed Eid. I quickly ended the call and then cried very sad and angry tears. I am doing fine with detaching until it involves the kids, then all bets are off. The problem is I will have just moved to my new place and will not know anyone at the mosque. So it's not like I can ask someone to help out with the kids. I am just so very sad/mad tonight. Who is this man? He isn't the man I married, the guy who was so excited about having kids one day and raising according to our shared beliefs. My heart hurts so much for my kids. They constantly ask where he is and why he is gone so long. How long is this fog going to last? What if he stays like this forever?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
